Okay, everybody knows my famous boyfriend -- or should I say ex? I ain't stupid. He's been being an ass for a reason...he wants it to be over. Yet he'd rather keep us both unhappy than go be happy...and I guess to an extent I do. Today...just a few minutes ago, my intention was to break up with him. But the words got stuck in my throat.
And...I'm not crying. I'm not that hurt.
Can I really say I still love him if I'm not too emotional about what I just wanted to do? Cause that's what I keep saying. I keep saying I love him. And, quite frankly, I don't know if that's the truth.
The plot thickens! -- I acknowledge that I rather dislike him and I so desperately want to go out with other boys...And then, the plot thickens more as he gets a crush on another girl...yet he still would rather have us both be miserable than be happy and carefree with her.
And, our friends have been caught in the crossfire. In attempts to be loyal to both of us they're dishing out secrets and dirt about crushes and wanting to break up and whatnot.
So, now we both know...but...I can't explain why I couldn't open my mouth when we got alone.
What really pissed me off was that I asked him what was going on and what was happening to us...and WHY he was treating me like crap on the lawn (I already know the answer, I just wanted to hear HIM tell me)...he didn't say anything to me. He got that stupid "oh god, she's breaking up with me...but do I want her to?" look on his face. He's confused, I'm confused, we're both miserable...he wouldn't even look at me when I asked...
And, I feel like I must WANT it to go on cause everytime I've tried to break up in an effort to keep us both happy...I couldn't. So, if I've wanted to break up since last year, why the hell haven't I? What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm tired of this stupid game...I want out, but when I try to get out I only manage to plunge myself deeper into it all ._.

If you want my humble opinion....

If you HONESTLY want out....then just let'm go. That's all what it boils down to. OR, you can think of the fact that you THINK that you love him, or you think that it could possibly get better, or whatever the case is, and completely disregard that you know it's all going down hill. If that the case, then there's no use even ranting about it.

venting by any means helps, yet look at it this way, are you happy?

it doesn't look it from what i've read, an this situation doesn't help either of you. these days, you don't even need to say it, just do it. call it off, because it's better to than to continuosly live in a lie.

your boyfriend should know this, yet i don't know him so i can't speak on his behalf.

as for the "L" word, there's nothing i can say on it. its been thrown in so many cases that the true meaning's nothing more than a joke (from a personal note).

trust yourself kitteh, an do what you feel is best for you, first and foremost.