i was told to write a mystery for school and would like to post it here for your feedback...It is finisked.

Cesar is walking down the hall to go to his basket ball game. He takes a look at the clock, 4:20. He stops and decides to go to Mr. Rodger’s room to ask him about the Cherokee Project. As he pass Mrs. Blue’s room he stop and takes a look behind him. Nothing. He moves on. When he reaches Mr. Rodger’s room he says “ Mr. Rodger I need your help on the assignment you handed out.” Cesar notices that Mr. Rodger was closely reading a letter and not paying attention to himself. As Cesar moves closer he could see the letter. It was in caps. Mr. Rodger takes a look at the clock, 4:28. He closes the letter but Cesar gets a peak at few words be fore he closes it, “YOUR DEATH IS SOON!” “Who is that from?” asks Cesar. Mr. Rodger now has full attention to him. “Hide under the desk, Now!” as Mr. Rodger moves the chair. Cesar takes a step forward but stops and asks “Why?” “Just do it!” Cesar could tell that was an order. Cesar goes under the desk. “Don’t make a sound, got that?” Cesar nodes. Cesar who is still confused waits. 4:30. Mr. Rodger wait’s a few seconds then he sighs. As he was going to let Cesar go he heard footsteps. Mr. Rodger hesitated then he swiftly moved around the desks and was going to close the door but was to late. As Mr. Rodger was stepping back from this man he kept on repeating the words, “It is not my fault!!” Then it made its move. The Man made a quick throw flying throw the air and in know time hit Mr. Rodger right in the heart. As Cesar hears a gasp in his throat he hears a thud. Then he is hearing knife cutting something. Cesar takes a look under the desk, quietly and sees blood. Cesar stops for a moment to stop the vomit from coming up. After that’s he takes a better look at the body. The Man was de-heading Mr. Rodger! As Cesar was hearing the gushing noise of the neck braking he moved his head up and cried. After that Cesar’s head hit the desk and made a noise. The man stopped. As Cesar was praying for his life, the man rose up, wiped the blood of shirt and comes near the desk. Then Cesar sees him. He can not see his face but he can see his eyes. Before Cesar could recognize who it was a voice is heard. “Cesar where are you? You are going to be late for the game.” it was Travis. The man paused, then moved towards the window and brakes it. Travis suddenly comes into the room and sees a man leaving in the broken window “What the Heck!!” All Travis could make of the man was that he was wearing brown jeans. As Cesar who was still in shock came out from under the desk. Then they heard more foot steps, it was Mr. Cook the Dean of Students who came in. “Call 911, Now!” They did not move, Mr. Cook said it again but they were looking at the glasses of the killer. As the other teachers came one teacher came in with a red stain on his shirt, Mr. beard. As he noticed that Cesar was looking at him he wipes the stain on the shirt. As the police were coming the kids surrounded the room to see what has happened and to see if Cesar and Travis were ok.


“So is that all of what you saw?” asks Daniel the Homicide Detective. “if there was more I would tell you.” said Travis who is still in shock. “So is there anyone particular who you think did it?” “I think that it was Mr. Maxwell or Mr. Beard.” says Cesar. “Our Evidence tells us that you two may be right. The Letter was in caps which tells it could be Mr. Maxwell. The knife left behind told us that the killer was wearing the glove and is also left handed which points out to Mr. Beard.” says Daniel “We do have them in with us including the other teachers with us.” said Patrick, Daniels Assistant. “Since they weren’t properly arrested” Patrick blushes. We will have to let them go” continued Daniel. “You can’t do that! One of them did it!” said Cesar who is angrily standing up. “One of them killed Mr. Rodger” “Sorry kid but there is nothing I can do for 24 hours. As Cesar and Travis were walking out so where the teachers. As Cesar and Travis were looking at them Mr. Gum was starring back but with a killer look. “ So kid you need a ride home?” Said Patrick who interrupted. “No that ok.” After Cesar left the police department said good bye to Travis. As Cesar passes a block the streetlights were starting to fade, then nothing was guiding Cesar to his home. As he made his turn in Ben St. he kept on hearing breathing, at first he thought nothing of it as first. Then out of nowhere the breathing was getting louder. As stopped and turned around to see if any one was there. Nothing. As he was thinking that he was hallucinating he moves faster. Then out of nowhere he is hearing footsteps. A he speeds he trips and falls down forwards. Groaning from his own pain a shadow is castle in front of him. As he turns up to see the man he said his last words. “Stop! Please! Don’t kill me Mr…” As Cesar was unable to finish the killer stabbed a knife right at his heart. Then the Man whisper in his ears. “You knew to much Cesar. For that you will die like John.” Then he cut his throat. As he finished he also was hearing footsteps. As he was standing up he slipped the knife in his pocket and was moving. Then out of nowhere he felt something cold on his head. As he was about to take out his knife and stab the thing, it kicked him towards the ground where he was grunting of his pain in the same spot where Cesar’s blood was. As he was in his agony the thing behind him spoke. “Cuff him now!” As Daniel had said that Patrick came out of the bushes and went over to the man and cuffed him. The man was struggling for his arms but they where cuffed. “I’m insistent!” said the man. “Sure you are and since you are so insistent you will get the death penalty!” replied Daniel. “You are under arrest for the murder of John Rodgers and Cesar Ocon, anything you say can and will be held against you in the court of law of ,you…” said Patrick. As Daniel is walking over to Cesar grave he places his hands over his eyes and closed them. He stands up and walk over to the man and said “You really thought you will get away with this Greg or as the kids Mr.…”



Who did it?
Who killed all of the people?
Why did he kill them?
To find out go to page 4!




















The Killer had a motive. Mr. Rodger was going to take his job. Mr. Rodger didn’t even care that He was taking Mr. Beard’s job. The night before the murders Mr. Rodger’s has sent out a telegram that stated that “ It seems like that I didn’t needed to kill you for your job. Your Death was soon but it is not anymore” This made him tick of so mad that he was to kill Mr. Rodger That was why Mr. Rodger had been screaming it was not his fault because That letter was sent my Mr. Maxwell as a joke. The Letter Mr. Rodger received was the same letter from the telegram. It had more to it in writing then Mr. Maxwell put in it. Mr. Beard added that in 4:30 Mr. Rodger will die. Cesar was also involved because Mr. Beard thought that he spotted him in the hallway and under the desk after the death of Mr. Rodger. He made it look like that Mr. Maxwell did it since he was wearing his glasses and that he was wearing brown jeans as Mr. Maxwell did. Cesar knew that the killer will go after him on that night so he planned a scheme with the detectives to stop the criminal but they were to late. By the time Patrick had finish going to the bathroom Cesar was already running home. There you go for the death of Mr. Rodger.


Mr. Rodger- Mr. Hepnter
Mr. Maxwell- Mr. Herkes
Mr. Beard- Mr. Heller
Mr. Gum- Mr. Baker
Mrs. Blue- Mrs. Phillips

y did u need to write it

um...how about read my first post.

Constructive criticism:

There are a lot of grammar mistakes. -Check out your verb-subject agreement?
Tense - Keeping constant is the best way to go. Don't switch back and forth.

Despite that, the story is inviting, but you do need to finish for me to fully critique it.

no i mean was it for a newspaper or a class or something

class, writing

My recommendation Dan. Read alot of books like I did. My reading level is high because of that reason. I read the whole series of Goose Bumps books, Animorphs, Robin Hood, Moby D!ck < I can't say that because of the filter, The Adventures of Tom Sawer, ect. Try reading books that's not of your level. You learn as you read, Trust me.

Goosebumps doesn't seem to be your level, either, DF. :rofl:

But, I must concur. It's good to read for hints for character development, plot enrichment, etc.

I read Goosebumps when I was 9. That was along time ago.

It's good, Dan, but it needs more of a flow to it. Other than that though it's pretty good. :).

finished