This time you're hardly worth a name. You're only a little black book after all, not something with a heart or emotions. You're just paper and dye and my ink is filling you with the little thoughts you have. Even though you are only a little black book, you still contain every thought i have, my deepest secrets and my troubles which have forever fogged up my troubled mind. You are both nothing but everything. An oxymoron is seems.
My life has taken an interesting twist, one curious yet dreadful. My heart is drugged,my mind capricious; my life a cliche. Type 'Poor Little Rich Boy' if you want it. I'm being quite melodramatic though, but what would a teenager without its melodrama? I'm a paradox, the centre of the uttermost caprice which whells through my mind and soul, blinding me physically and spiritually. I can definatly find no confort in religion so that is not an option. No, i don't know what will help me. Scarlette is doing all she can. Poor thing. I'm just soaking up her kindness, like a sponge of some sort of something along those lines. I'm using her, like one of the many drugs i'm using. Meth, Cocaine, pot....you know the whole poisonous lot. They make me see colours and that's what i want. Liza is just a subcategroy in my mind though, being pushed away. She doesn't want me, only for a friend/family member. That's good for me. Lynne though, with her love decleration doesn't help. And her kiss. Well that awoken these forbidden memories. that hardly helped. that night i didn't sleep but just drugged myself, numbing my minding. Trying to forget or comprehend. that never came to me. Lynne now is my paradox, Scarlette my sponge, Liza my walking stick. My world is both empty yet full, my mind both fogged yet clogged. And here i go playing with those effing oxymorons.

I'm not bloody Shakespeare.

4:30 AM

I can't sleep. it's really hard. I never knew it could be so hard. I sit there in my bed, thinking. I think it's the thoughts that trouble me, causing me this sleeplessness, the drowing yet suffocating sensation. It's like this smoke, poisoning my mind. I meant that to be a metaphor but i wonder if it really it. I smoke too much these days, that's clear. I packet a day or something irrational. But you can't blame me, I've got 1...2....3...4...girls in love with me. That's including my girlfriend. I've snogged three of them. That works out well. On top of that I've snogged a guy. Now that was awkward. The moral to that is that if you want to try something new go ahead and snog a guy. You'll never get anything weirder.

Girl number 1, SCARLETTE:-My obvious and official girlfriend
- Cool, really cool and funny
- My shoulder during hard times even though she may be oblivious to every thought i have
-Smart and caring and loving
-That's enough do i have to say more apart from that i love her?

Girl 2, LIZA: - Childhood friend.
-Chilhood lover
-Caring slightly over sensative girl
Practically family

Girl 3, LYNNE: - My ex
-Fun to be with. Funny person
- Modest even though she tries to hide it.
-Completely in love with me for reasons i don't understand considering it was me that dumped her
- Nice to be with. Pleasant.

Girl 4, STARLING: -New person. Can talk about loads of things to her.
-Pretty and cute
- Book worm and curious about forest incident. Wasn't that partly my fault?
- Amusing and somewhat naive to the world.

Guy 5, JASON: - A guy. ENOUGH SAID

Right, between those who should i choose? Another complication.

But I've got a plan and they will all screw each other and hate me because of it.

You can't blame me though.

Right, I've done something and i don't know if I should be proud of it. Last night during one of my friend's party, I lost my virginity to some girl called Sophie who doesn't even go to my school. Yes, I was high and yes I was wasted, but I nevertheless, ended up sleeping with her and honestly, I don't know what the fuss is all about. Fine, yes it's supposed to be the gradn step from adulthood to childhood but....that isn't such a big deal. Fine, you believe you can be the king of the world when lying next to the girl, feeling like a complete and utter happy fool, but still...there isn't much too it. And yes, if anyone does read this, I know I'm a manwhore.

i'm exhasted now so i'm not going to bother writting more. I'm still obessing about Scarlette and it's driving me up the world, but I can't help it. Basically, I'm screwed.

cas