Josh was helping Sally (EDIT:color of her hair) :p clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
Sally: "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh: "I can see that, but why?"
Sally: "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.
Owner: "Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German."
Shopper: "And what happens if I pull both the strings?"
Parrot: "I fall off my perch you fool!!!"

I loved this one... :lol


A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says "This is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?" "No," says the psychic, "next term in her biology lesson."

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."

and for those who got to the end... ;)

A fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

Boy: "Isn't the principal a dummy!"
Girl: "Say, do you know who I am?"
Boy: "No."
Girl: "I'm the principal's daughter."
Boy: "And do you know who I am?"
Girl: "No,"
Boy: "Thank goodness!"

So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

You prolly read this one before but...

Ways to Confuse Santa:

1) Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2) While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3) Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4) While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5) Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6) Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7) Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8) Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9) While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10) Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11) Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12) Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13) While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14) Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15) Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16) Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17) Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18) Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19) Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20) Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

I'm flooding my own board!!! :p

fast as a monkey! pull the parrot off! ahh hahahahaha!!!! sue santa.. ee hehehehehe. KA BOOM! there goes the tire... dumb principal. ee hehehehe.. niiiice...

Drachle youve done it again!!! hahaha :pheonix :rambo :spiderman :goof

man. i luv that parrot 1.. hehehe, and the 1 that has my 2 favorite animals in it... MONKEYS AND CHICKENS!!! lol

I like the fly/handle/shit one! HILARIOUS!! :lol :lol :lol