So, anyone who was diligently reading their program at last year's con will remember that the back of the book had a classifieds section of sorts. Not like, say, the back of New Times, though. This was a collection of humorous parody "want ads" assembled by the creative minds of last year's staff for the amusement of the guests. It featured requests such as,

"For Sale: One regulation-size cricket bat, slightly used. Call Shaun: 555-9662."

or, "Premium meats! Theed City premium meats, now offering organic, corn-fed Gungan ribeyes and filets! Call 555-JRJR."


In honor of this great collection, and to continue the historic traditions of those who came before, we proudly use this thread to commemorate their fine memory by posting similar epigrams to potentially be used in this year's program.

Here are some things people sent me last year that we didn't have room for or otherwise passed over for some reason or another:

Some people are like Slinkies...
Not really good for anything,
But they still bring a smile to your face
when you push them down a flight of stairs

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."

Again, some ideas. We may have used some of these. Can't remember. Please send more for this year's consideration.


3672 MYSTIC URU HAMMER $299.99

Not just for carpenters. Control lightning. Soar the heavens. Smite thine
enemies. Hammer returns just like a boomerang! Warning: Must be worthy to
wield. Side effects include speaking in like a Shakespearean context.

#3392 SKELETAL SERVANT $4.99

Animated skeletons properly trained and housebroken by the finest
necromancers to assist you in all your household needs. Use them to do
windows, wash dishes, fend off intruders while you make your escape, or
clean the gutters. Just remember, once you go bone, you’ll never be alone.

NOW HIRING: The Weyland/Yutani Corporation now seeking able-bodied
starship operators to investigate crash site on desolate planet. Crew must
have knowledge of space travel, operating systems, and a knack for close,
personal interaction with new cultures. Mission purpose is to bring back any
salvageable cargo, even if you have to smuggle it in your own chest or
something.

#8757 BIG METAL FRISBEE $11.95

Sturdy, round, iron shield. Great for defense! Perfect for bashing
attackers! And if that weren’t enough, it’s also ideal for tobogganing!

#2196 REAL SIZE WICKER DRAGON! $129.99

Realistic, full scale wicker effigy of a dragon. Ideal for scaring hordes of
foes! Perfect size for halfings to fit within! (Note: Manufacturer not
responsible for those who try and make the wicker sculpture breathe fire and
consume the product).

Ad: You know, nowadays every company is synthesizing some kind
of Nutrasweet, or Splenda garbage that wasn’t intended for human
consumption, and not worth putting in your pie-hole. But me, I stick to the
way it was meant to be in my kitchen. I say, “Give me some sugar, baby.” Use
S-Mart brand Sugar. See Ash in Housewares for your own Buy One, Get One Free
Coupon today.

#4461 GET YOUR VERY OWN CITY IN A BOTTLE! $39.99

Miniaturized city. Filled with real, live specimens. Experiment. Play God!
Shake the jar and watch the tiny people react! Drop spiders in and wait for
results! Fun for the whole family! (not a kit).

#8394 ASTROMECH DROID $349.99

Fresh from a memory-wipe, this astromech droid comes with more features and
accessories than you can shake a stick at, including tazer, storage
compartments, and computer access port.. Tempermental, and fiercely loyal,
it may look tiny, but, it really packs a punch. Note: Mouths off to gold
plated protocol droids.

Testimonial Ad: Once… Smeagol was sad that we lost the Precious… but
our only wish, was to catch a fish… SO JUICY SWEET! We left the world of men
and hid, eating GURTEN’S FISH STICKS, Precious. They are tasty, they are
fresh! The master says they’re delicious, and the stupid fat hobbit says to
try them with taters or chips. But we don’t know what taters is. No,
Precious, we don’t. But GURTEN’S are even good rrrraw, and wrrrrigling!
Here… EAT THEM! EAT THEM! My… Precious… fish sticks.

#8840 GIANT EYE NECKLACE $12.99

Great conversation piece. Comes with 16 inch gold chain and has a mystic eye
rune made of the finest marble, jade, and jet. Eye opens and closes! Read
minds! Travel dimensions! See through clothes!

#9312 QUIVERS BY LEGOLAS
$7.99

Infinitely stocked quiver! Guaranteed to never run out of arrows to fire at
enemies! (must be Elven for quiver to work. Batteries not included).

Personal Ad: Single Invisible Man seeking Single Invisible Woman to prove
which guy truly is Mr. Fantastic. Turn-ons include maniacal laughter,
turn-offs ladies who put up force shields to play hard-to-get. Call 555-7335
for a good time.:

#5812 SURPLUS TRICK ARROWS $1.25

Set of trick arrows. Great fun. Set of 6 includes screaming arrow, boxing
glove arrow, sticky arrow, explosive arrow, glow-in-the-dark arrow, and
home-enema-kit arrow. Not for sport.

#5780 MYSTERY PUZZLE CUBE $249.99

Cosmic power in the palm of your hand. Reshape the universe. Rule the world.
Turn Britney Spears into a muppet. Limit one. May cause insanity.

Wanted: Sacrificial Maiden sought as part of a tribute to a local dragon.
Pay includes $13.75/hr. Must type 75 wpm, know how to use MS-DOS, and
struggle in vain while tied to a post. Job includes medical, dental
insurance. Day-care not provided, nor knights in shining armor. See Dominic
Pall at Garick’s Keep for more details.

#7326 JEWELRY BY VAN HELSIG $1.49

Finely crafted necklace made of the freshest garlic and bound together with
skin-friendly twine. A great way to make one the talk of any evening
masquerade ball, and a surefire way to prevent random unexplained anemia.

#6011 HOLE-Y COW! IT’S THE PORTABLE HOLE! $19.99

Perfect for all you pack-rats who can’t manage to find enough space in your
closet! Ideal for finding detours to beat traffic! Always a great way to
play pranks on your pals! And when your in-laws get to be too much of a
bother, it makes for quite the “guest room”! Order yours today!

Ad: HOME SECURITY BY GARR-GOIL
Tired of thieves, assassins and other ne’er-do-wells scaling your fortress
walls in the dead of night? Want a watchdog with the good sense to feed
themselves, so you don’t have to? Want a tower guard that also doubles as
groovy architecture? Then contact Garr-Goil Security Co. today, and we’ll
give you a FREE INSTALL! With deals like this, you’d have to be made of
stone to not want to call! Dial 555-7625 today!

#4515 OWN YOUR OWN SMUGGLER ENCASED IN CARBONITE! $899.99

For the art lover and intergalactic crime lord, nothing would be a finer
testament to your jaded home décor than your own Smuggler Encased in
Carbonite. Put it on your mantle, or lie it down and use it as a coffee
table. Truly, a piece of art to enhance the feng shui of your palace, our
sailing barge.

#7455 PERSONAL CLOAKING DEVICE $179.99

For the ultimate trophy hunter, a stealth armor designed to make you
virtually invisible to whatever big game you’re after. Sneak up on
acid-blooded xenomorphs! Stalk steroid-enhanced men with thick Austrian
accents! They’ll never see you coming, or be able to tell you’re one ugly…
well, you get the idea.

Ad: It’s hard to focus on getting all your food in your face when
the armies of Mordor are at your gate, your favorite son is dead, and the
disappointing last of your line is riding to his death while all you’ve got
to cheer you up is a singing hobbit. That’s why Denethor uses MOP-IT-UP
NAPKINS. The Steward of Gondor can’t be seen with shmutz on his kisser when
the white wizard comes calling, can he? Nope. That’s why Denethor knows,
after dinner, you’ve got to mop it up with MOP-IT-UP NAPKINS. Anything less,
would be uncivilized.

#9669 THIS IS MY BOOM STICK!
$109.95

All right you primitive screwheads, listen up. This, is my BOOM STICK! It’s
a 12 gauge, double barreled Remington. You can find this in the sporting
goods department. It normally retails for $109.95. This baby was made in
Grand Rapids, Michigan. It’s top of the line, made of walnut stock,
cobalt-blue steel, customized with a hair trigger. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart.
YA GOT THAT?!?

#3203 IT’S SHARPER THAN A GHINSU… IT’S NEW VORPAL BLADES! $34.99

That’s right! Now you can have this set of four sharp kitchen blades than
can manage to cut through chicken! Through steak! Through Bone! Through wood
or metal! Through demon-flesh! And yes, even through Jabberwock faster than
you can say “Snicker-snack”! And if you order now, we’ll throw in a vorpal
pizza cutter and egg-slicer absolutely free! Act now!

Ad: Sometimes you work all day and build up a man-sized thirst. Well, for
those of you who work in the mines and work up a thirst that’s not as tall,
but much wider, have yourself a cold Dwarven Ale. It’s rich amber back color
is made from the finest hops and barley of the Underdark. Now in handy 24
pack cubes for easier carrying. Dwarven Ale. Tastes great. Less Elven.

#4321 UNIVERSAL CLEANING TOOL!
$499.99

Got clogged drains? Cluttered closets? Sinks full of dirty dishes? Annoying
neighbors? Then order your own Sphere of Annihilation today and blast your
problems away! (Warning: May shift your alignment to evil, or cause an
unbalance in the entropy of the universe.)

#5628 DECK OF MANY THINGS! $3.49

The new collectible playing card game that makes Yu-Gi-Oh! And Pokemon cards
look pathetic in comparison! It’s the Deck of Many Things! Gain thousands of
experience points! Become the owner of your own minor keep! Battle minor
deaths! Earn the enmity of extraplanar beings! Just draw a card, and watch
the chaos begin!

Personal Ad: Succubus seeking foolish lusty mortal looking to have his
dreams come true with her company. Likes long walks in the park, trips to
the beach, and stealing the souls of the weak-willed and easily-tempted.
Must like dogs. Call 555-0667 for some fun.

#8817 CTHULU CALL
$2.99

This little kazoo-like instrument is similar in nature to that of a duck
call, save that instead of attracting waterfowl, it summons forth the Old
Ones. May cause random mutation, raving insanity, or the corruption of one’s
very soul. Great gift for the kids!

#1593 TROLL-OFF
$22.99

Tired of those pesky trolls coming back to bother you like so many weeds
you’ve pulled? They just keep coming back for more? Well, try our
handy-dandy product Troll-off! Highly flammable alcohol, not to be imbibed.
But just pour own any troll, strike a flint, and Voila! Your days of troll
trouble are toast!

For Sale: One pony, brown. 1500 mi. , partially used. Answers to
Bill. Turns up at opportune times. Particularly fond of Hobbits and Rangers.
Contact Sam in the Shire for more info.

#4286 IMPROVED SCUBA GEAR
$259.99

Frustrated with your mask leaking when you submerge? Tired of lugging around
that huge oxygen tank? Sick of tripping over your own webbed scuba fins?
Well, have we got the thing for you. The Apparatus of Kwalish you’ll become
the smoothest diver underneath the waves! Just hop inside and make Jacques
Cousteau look like another land-lubber!

#8889 OCHRE K.Y. JELLY
$6.99

For every fun-loving prankster, there’s OCHRE K.Y. JELLY! Just pop the
flesh-eating ooze right out of the tube and it’ll do the rest! Switch with
your friend’s toothpaste, hair gel, or hand lotion bottles and watch the
hilarity ensue!

Testimonial Ad Hi. You may know me Sauron, the Dark Lord of Mordor.
Well, I’ll tell you… there are times when having a great burning eye aren’t
all they’re cracked up to be. I mean, how am I supposed to drag all of the
peoples of Middle Earth down into the darkness with me when I’m dealing with
a dry, scratchy red eye? I can’t. That’s why I use CLEAR EYE brand eye
drops. It clears up any have or blurring I might get from staring at a
Halfling wearing the One Ring through earth, stone, and even flesh. I can go
back to turning my gaze through the Palantir to that old coot, Saruman. Now,
I’m ready to take on all the Men of the West, and tell them, “I SEE YOU.”
Clear Eye brand, at your local Osco and Walgreens.

#1447 NECRONOMICON
$69.99

The Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh, inked in human blood with text
in ancient Sumerian, this book includes incantations for raising the undead
and other funery rites. May also be used for opening doorways in time, or to
the lower planes. Just say Klatu, Barata Niktu and show that reading is
still fundamental.

#2185 AZTEC COIN MEDALLION
$140.99

Initially part of a large collection of Aztec coins captured by Cortez, this
medallion comes with the promise of adventure on the high seas, and is a
very sought after item from several seafaring individuals in the Caribbean.
Warning: Do not submerge in the ocean.

Ad: Tired of mischievous faeries wreaking havoc inside and outside of
you labyrinth? Then it’s time to teach them a lesson with HOGGLE’S
FAIRY-OFF. That’s right, one spray of this stuff instantly stuns fairies and
makes them think twice before they give you wedgies, tie your shoelaces in
knots, our kidnap babies to raise in the wild. HOGGLE’S FAIRY-OFF. Look for
it near the Pit of Eternal Stench near you.

#3333 PARTIALLY USED MAGICAL ROCK $479.99

Recently on loan from Hogwart’s Academy, this magical Philosopher’s Stone is
said to be a key implement of power, that can help one master many secrets,
including turning lead to gold, giving one unnatural long life, or fixing
Quidditch matches. Currently under top secret lockdown past Fluffy. I mean…
forget I said that last part. See Hagrid in Wizard’s Alley for more info.

#4077 French Army Rifles
$94.99

Never been fired. Only dropped once. See Sgt. Schultz from Stalag 13 for
details.

These are two bumper stickers I have:


If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic


EARTH FIRST: We'll strip mine the other planets later.

Single white knight looking for penitent man to share a good cup with. Knowledge of ancient linguistics, faith, ability to choose wisely a must. Inquire in the valley of the crescent moon.


For sale: Giant black monolith, slightly used. Great primate deterrent. Caution: keep away from sentient computers, may induce slight mechanical malfuntions. Call HAL for details; 555-2001.


Tired of being picked on? Enroll now in self-study program and teach yourself to master "The Buddha's Palm" and other ancient techniques! Proven results in as little as ten to fifteen years! Channel your inner master and topple your local axe gang! Only $10! 555-7464.


Have you seen me? Lost: Female, 17. Slender with long dark hair, large eyes, big boots. Answers to "River". If seen, please contact nearest Alliance outpost. Warning: do not approach, may be temperamental around people named "Miranda".


THIS WEEKEND ONLY: Come to Miracle Max's giant tent event for unbeatable deals on the best used wheelbarrows and holocaust cloaks! Great for storming castles, impersonating pirates, or scaring your friends! We will not be undersold! Free R.U.S. with every test siege! Call the Albino for details, directions. 555-3875.

Need a miracle? Call Max 555-1212


Single Elven Woman seeking human man for longterm relationship, turn ons include questionable bathing habits, manly stubble, and brooding silences. Pervy hobbit fanciers need not apply.

Looking for the ultimate place for that bachelor party? Or your office need a little peril? Call Castle Anthrax, accepting bookings now, 555-3624, Ask for Zoot.

For Sale: One breeding pair of ROUS'. Make great watch creatures and add lively ambiance to any fire swamp.