HOW TO LOSE AT WARHAMMER: DWARVES EDITION
By Airtruck (aka ACDM_orc, Eric, errok2@hotmail.com etc…)

I’ve played warhammer for about, oh gosh, five years now, and I realize that the only things I'm good at are: beating Chaos and losing to Dwarves. Now, I’ve tried several approaches to both of these things and find that beating Chaos is not nearly as invigorating as losing to Dwarves. So I decide to write an article for all you go-getters out there ready to gather your masses to be mowed down by a miniscule amount of Dwarves.

The first time I ever played Dwarves it was with a pretty solid orc army. No goblins. I had a huge unit of black orcs and two smaller units of orcs and big’uns. I figure, hey. Once I get to the short bugger, I won’t have a problem slicing his already-Halflings in half (or would it be in quarters?) Anyway, the game went horribly. My units were all demolished or fleeing by the end of the third turn and all because of the most enraging tactic ever: Stand and Shoot. By the time I got to his troops (he did not advance at all for the first three turns) half of all my units were destroyed from gunfire and cannon fire. I realized my mistake and figured that I would try a better list next time.

Next time comes around and my list includes savage orcs, regular orcs and a few siege weapons. Needless to say this battle was much smaller. The same thing happened. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Perhaps it is the ridiculous leadership that the dwarves have or their superior armour. Are the dwarves just too cheesy with their Anvil of Doom and all of their Runes of such-and-such? No. I am bad at warhammer.

After this horrible realization, I decided that orcs are not the army for me. Though the greenskins have good core selections, entertaining fluff and well… other orcy things, I couldn’t stand the green. The constant process I’d repeat: Dark Angels Green, Goblin Green, Dark Angels Green, Goblin Green, on every single miniature. So I gave up painting my orcs and I gave up trying to make a competitive orc list and decided, well… maybe I’ll just try a bunch of armies out. (My first army was technically Empire, but I had no idea what I was doing so that kind of fell flat.)

The first army I went to was Vampire Counts. Not because of the cool vampires and the undead dragons and the fear and all that—no. I'm attracted to horde armies so naturally I was fascinated with the Necromancer’s army. Scores of Zombies and Skeletons! Oh! It was delightful, especially since I was infatuated with Resident Evil (still am) and the thought of raising hundreds of dead to fight for my cause was fun. I made a 2000 point Necromancer’s list and I played the same Dwarf player who made me quit orcs. And I lost. The battle was going well since I had more models than I began with, but soon my grave guard unit was crushed, my entire left flank held up by a slayer and eventually the cannon hit its mark on my necromancer’s face. The battle field was the Dwarf’s.

Abandoning the idea of the Necromancer’s army, I looked for other ways I could lose at warhammer. My next army was Wood Elves. I actually did well with my wood elves, so we’re not going to talk about that.

Now, from the beginning, I’d hated Skaven. I didn’t like the models and the idea of rat-people annoyed me. But a friend of mine (GrimviewGrot) convinced me to participate in the Skaven Civil War Campaign as an orc mercenary. So for the last time I dusted off my orcs and fought a few battles for my faction and we ended up winning the campaign. If I told you that it was exciting for me I would be lying, because the person who made me truly love Skaven wad DamnedPrince. The fluff he wrote for his character was phenomenal and I could not get enough of it. So I decided to kill-off my Orc general and pick up a Skaven army. This is where my tale of losing at warhammer leaves off. So far I’ve fought only one or two battles where Skaven and Dwarves were on the table, but those were battle royals, not one on ones. Maybe Skaven is the army for me, but we’ll have to wait and see what happens and if I ever stop losing at warhammer.

-Airtruck

LOL!

Most entertaining read of 2007 so far in my opinion.

Well it doesn't make sense that dwarves hate us, yet we don't hate them. We love war and hate everything. WTF! If anyone hates anyone it should be dark elves hating other elves and vice versa or beastmen hating humans. Rerolls to hit with things like great weapons is retardedly good (no offense to those who are handicapped). I've beaten dwarves with orcs and goblins, but even little 12 year old kids, with bfsp and some proxied stuff can give me fits.

Actually, I think Dark Elves do hate High Elves. And, while I agree that rerolling GW's is over the top, the 'hatred' rule background is only for the really extreme, psychotic, "kill 'em all and everyone who looks like 'em" cases. Hence, Grimgor hates everyone :lol: .

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, this is an ongoing series, so if you would like to suggest any articles for armies or anything you'd like to know how to lose at, feel free to suggest something. Thanks for the kind words, AIB :)

The articles that I know I am going to do next are:
Dice Rolling
Dwarves Edition 2

:)

-Airtruck

I had an intressting read, tough I find dwarves one of the easist armies to beat with OnG :wub:, especially when goblins come into play.

Greetz
G

good read :)

also remember that hatred have a drawback - you have tu pursuit - It's almost like frenzy !

Say what?


How?

That was a good read, you said you'll be writing this stuff regularly right? I look forward to the next one.

Very good read! I too am searching for the perfect army. It was a fun article. GHope to see some more stuff.

The thing about dwarves is that in pitch battles, they rule. Add a scenario into the mix, they suck balls. Thats why you rarely see them in the top 3 in tournies. They are consistently high though, reflecting they overpoweredness of their book. Any tourney that has special character makes fighting dwarves the most boring thing in the world, because you're going to fight the exact same Thorek list over and over again.

Don't let the beardiness of Dwarves throw you off using an army. You expect them to stand and shoot you and then pull out beardy rules which mean you can't even win when you do reach their lines.

Very nice read, looking forward for the next one!
Oh and I suggest wood elves... Hate 'em almost as much as I hate dwarfs!

HOW TO LOSE AT WARHAMMER: DICE ROLLING EDITION
By Airtruck (aka ACDM_orc, Eric, errok2@hotmail.com etc…)

A very important factor of warhammer is simple dice-rolling. In fact, it is probably the most important factor, because without dice-rolling…well, you get the idea. No let me revise that one final time. Dice rolling is the most important factor of warhammer.

Dice-rolling has many different names and before you attempt to do any serious warhammer-playing, you should be familiar with all of the following terms: throwing dice, d-throwing (also known as “throwin’ some Ds on it”), D6-ing, d-rollin’, spitting rocks and, “hey, those dice are weighted!”

I look back at all the games I’ve lost (which are most games) and I realize that my dice-rolling skills are not what they should be in order to win a game of warhammer. In order to win a game of warhammer, you need to roll one or two; sometimes even three or more dice and you must get the dice to land on a certain number. Numbers on a regular die are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. Usually 6 is the best, but be careful when you are rolling two dice at once, some pretty horrible things can happen. (Miscasts are capable of turning your magic-man into a fine red mist.)

But in the warhammer world, it is not just D6 dice that are rolled. Artillery dice are also needed to determine whether or not a cannon or cannon-like war machine completely annihilates your ranks (like it does to mine). There are many random, confusing numbers on the artillery die and unless you play dwarves, chaos dwarves, skaven, empire, or chaos, completely disregard this die from your dice-box and sell it on eBay.

You’re probably all saying, “Whoa, wait up! You’re going to fast for me!” Let’s talk basics. Why do we roll dice in warhammer in the first place? There are many reasons you might roll dice: to determine how many models in your units are taken out when a unit of chosen knights charges at your unit (this will happen—do not try to avoid it), or possibly to take a leadership test after you lose combat (and you will) and even to see if your aforementioned magic-man’s head explodes. These are all relatively common dice-rolling situations, but isn’t it a little chancy?

Dice-rolling really is a gamble, and I would only suggest doing it if your opponent forces you. I’ll tell you of a few times dice-rolling did not go in my favor:

It was a pitched battle between my orcs and a chaos undivided army. It was a hot day, and I needed to kill only four chaos warriors with my unit of black orcs to cause them to take a panic check and hopefully they would flee and I would get the victory points and win the game. I reached for my lucky dice, picking them up with my sweaty hand and rolled them across the table. I close my eyes and opened them, surveying my roll: 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 3. I must not have pleased the dice-gods on that day, for I drew the game and was forced to shake hands with a chaos player. (Nothing against sportsmanship, just chaos :P)

Another instance in which dice-rolling completely ruined the game for me was when I was playing against a high elf army against my new skaven forces. My jezzails had done quite well that battle, and I decided it was time to prove their worth. I had all five of them shoot at the last of their silver helms and not a single bullet made its mark.

Keep in mind, it’s not just you who has to roll dice, your opponent does too, and if your opponent is better at rolling dice (check to see if they're weighted!), you might as well throw in your official Games Workshop towel and tip over your general. Because rolling dice is how I lose at warhammer.

-Airtruck

Ah, dice, the most fickle of mistresses in Warhammer.

I've got a pretty funny story to tell about weighted dice:

We were at a gaming club on fine afternoon several years ago and a friend of mine brought a pair of dice with him. They both looked identical, but one of them was weighted. Of course, he let us in on it from the start and we had some fun moments during our game of Warhammer Quest. The fun really started, however, when some players on another table found out we had the dice.

One of the guys was in a tight situation where he absolutely needed to kill an enemy model. I can't for the life of me remember the model/game system, but he needed a 6 to hit. And of course, the weighted die was weighted to roll a 6. But my friend intentionally gave him the non-weighted die instead. Funny thing is, he rolled a 6 anyway ^_^.

It gets better: His opponent came over, thinking there were 2 weighted dice, and asked to borrow the other one. So, he ended up getting the actual weighted die to roll. He went back to his game and procceeded to roll a 1 :lol: Needless to say, the model in question died, but under the funniest of cirumstances :P

Another perfect example of how dice can be fickle and turn on you in an instant.

Great read Airtruck - I'm sure everyone here can relate in some manner :)

You forgot "roll the damn dice", and my favourite, "WTF are you doing with my dice!". :P

I've heard those many times, but I have a story for the second.

My friend, a Khorne player, has all of dice made out brass, so therefore he is very, very protective of his dice. After slaughtering his way through my ogre army with his lord, he rolled 4 D6's to wound my Tyrant. He needed a 6 due to Mawseeker and made one roll. I proceded to pick up one of his dice (not one had rolled) and was about to roll for my ward save. He saw me and smacked me upside the head as I had just made a grave mistake. I then rolled one of my dice and failed, losing my Tyrant. But I gained a lump on me 'ead in exchange.

I've got another battle against dwarves, soon. So I'll get Dwarf Edition Part 2 up, soon! Any comments, questions, or suggestions can go in this thread, a PM, or an email to errok2@hotmail.com :)

-Airtruck

In our shop it's all the small kids who are the luckiest and me and the manager who are the worst. -_-

good read I really enjoy this :)

HOW TO LOSE AT WARHAMMER: MAKING THE ARMY LIST
By Airtruck (aka ACDM_orc, Eric, errok2@hotmail.com etc…)

Welcome to this fun-filled, action-packed, nonchalant edition of How to Lose at Warhammer. By now you all should’ve gone out and played many battles, hopefully learning from my remarkable advice and losing like a true winner. However, if you are still having trouble finding your inner loser, I decided to give you a little write-up on army lists, as they are essentially the first half of the equation in war gaming (the other half being your opponents list, and then multiplying by bad dice rolls and general tactical blunders…there should be an equals sign in there somewhere, too.)

There are several types of lists out there, a few of them include: fluff based lists, all-comers, cavalry based, gunlines, etc. Lists can be defensive, offensive, or a balance of the two. I’ve yet to see a list that was not any of those three, let me know if they are out there. The general idea of making a list is to be able to counter threats that your opponent might pose, and to be able to pose your own threats, ultimately winning the game.

In order to fully exploit your army’s strengths and your opponent’s weaknesses, you need to have a good idea of the composition of each army. Knowing things like the strength of your ranged weapon and your opponent’s toughness will save you a lot of time trying to shoot at Ironbreakers with gromril armor and shields. Also, knowing how many points your opponent’s units cost is important, too. You can avoid “super-units” and take down easy targets for victory points.

Fluff-based lists are a lot less tactical, so I would recommend the fluff-based lists for laid back players who enjoy fluff and want to have fun losing (not necessarily in that order.) These lists are good for warbands usually, and can prove to be quite funny at larger-scale games (cue the squigs, slayers, and BS3 archers!)

Cavalry-based lists are for impatient people. Just kidding. The quickness of these lists often runs circles around the opposing army (quite literally) but are susceptible to cannon-fire and other ranged weaponry.

As for gunlines… People who use these lists should just play 40k as far as I'm concerned, unless they have a damn good reason. They’re no fun to play against and it looks like they’re pretty boring to play. The only excitement must come from seeing their opponent’s face, red with fury.

All-comer lists are best used in tournament settings. A nice, well-rounded force verses what should be another well-rounded force should even the battlefield and allow you to use your tactical superiority to win! Err, lose, I mean.

Now that you’re somewhat familiar with all of these lists, go out and make some on your own! Keep a few things in mind though: do not attempt to use magic against dwarfs (exception: vampire counts players), do not take a lord in a game less than 2000 points, and do not charge a unit of Ironbreakers. Ever. Remember these things and you will most certainly have a great time losing at warhammer like I do!

-Airtruck

Logical...

Well, not as funny as the other two. But you learn something about it. I've fought a cavalry army today (supported by furies and spawns) and man, did I lose! So you ARE right - I am a born loser at Warhammer :D.

Don't worry, the funny will come with DWARVES EDITION 2. Which I'll write tonight after I play my game :P Thanks for reading ^_^

-Airtruck

that would have been game over and me and him would have been at it full stop!
Laying hands on your mate over something like that? I dont think so...... if you had been abusing his models or something Id understand but just rolling his die for Gork's sake!
He'd be at the doctor having those removed from his skull had it been me

Sorry I'm late on the latest article but I've been so busy with my Warbands Campaign! I'll get it up soon, I promise :)

-Airtruck

That is awesome stuff there airtruck I got something in common with you I keep losing to the dwarves as well.

The last 2 games I played against them were (rightfully) a massacre and a draw which might have been a win for me had I been concentrating.

In the first game I had my 3 Tzeentch characters on their own so no Anvil and no shooting against them because they're behind a Beast Herd, which is marching forwards. Then he shoots and kills the Herd, exposing LoS for me to charge his war machines and get right up at his lines. Then the Daemon Prince goes Anvil-hunting with a no-armour-saves weapon and erases it from existance. Massacre for me until I try one last Green Fire for amusement and blow up my Daemon Prince and hand over 600VP, turning massacre to minor. <_<

In the second game I do the same setup but the Dwarves happen to have a hill big enough for all their artillery. In short, the Daemon Prince had to kill some gunners before it went and claimed the Runelord in one turn again. I had an eye test in about 10 minutes so was throwing things at the nearest units to get to take some models off.

Simply because Daemon Princes can't be Anvilled. :lol:

HOW TO LOSE AT WARHAMMER: LOSING TO DWARFS, PROFESSIONALY
By Airtruck (aka ACDM_orc, Eric, errok2@hotmail.com etc…)

And so it comes to me now, late at night in the loneliness and confinement of my room that I’ve decided what I want to do for the rest of my life. And that is this: to play test every single army against the mighty bearded ones and find as many ways to lose to them as possible. I'm perfectly content with selling my soul to Games Workshop (I here that is a requirement to get a job there) and they can put me in the dungeon where I will spend the rest of my days using list after list to lose against dwarfs, losing every time.

Only kidding. I’ll find a way to win eventually. For now I can tell you my tactic of, “hurry up and get ‘em!” isn’t working, so I'm going to have to revert to some pretty tricky tactics to win. But wait, this article isn’t about winning! It’s about losing, damn it!

The list I used in a 1000 point game I played against the same Dwarf player who beats me every time was embarrassed, demolished, and defiled. And I even had a fellow rat (Thraskittar) help me out with it. However, the Organ Gun tore through my skirmishers, and my Ratling Gun fled for half the game. My Clanrats suffered the same fate.

Basically in any game I play as Skaven against Dwarfs, my slaves uncannily do the most work every time (which, by the way, means killing one or two dwarfs). I have a theory that they only do well because they are closest to my opponent, and he often underestimates their mighty WS2 in CC. Regardless, the effectiveness of my slaves only makes me wonder why I bother taking clanrats in the first place… and then I remember the mainstay unit rule.

Seriously, though. Yes, I’ll be serious for a second. I feel like Dwarf’s M3 has given Games Workshop the idea that they need to give the Dwarfs a little something extra. Runes! They are ridiculous! For a 5 point rune, you can get something that would easily cost any other army 15 to 25 points. Not cool, GW. Not cool at all. I tell you what, if you were a mate of mine, I’d give you a stern-talking to.

And what is the deal with the new Dwarf army book? Is it 6th edition? 7th? 6.5th? Why are the Organ Gun rules still outrageously over-powerful? I'm pretty sure I heard somewhere that they were going to do away with that in the 7th edition, and yet they still do not roll to hit. Is it not possible that the bearded ones aim the gun and shoot it off and their target jumps out of the way? It’s kind of obvious that a couple of oafish dwarves are pointing that horrifying war machine at you?

Well, that’s enough ranting about that. Dwarfs aren’t that difficult to beat when you know how to beat them (or you’re playing a noob!) and I now know that if you’re going to try to outnumber your opponent, don’t just outnumber them for the sake of it! You’ve got to get into close combat from all angles and win combat resolution by a lot, so that they don’t get their precious Ld9. Also, small units of skirmishers do well against war machines, but don’t try to use them for much more than that and blocking line of sight (for those units of skirmishers that are cheap like Night Runners).

If you can master these few simple things, you will probably be able to beat Dwarfs. But if you do, don’t tell me. Because I am a professional loser at Warhammer.

-Airtruck

10 <_<

Same reason the Runes are. THEY'RE M3. <_<

I would have imagined that a lot of Squig Hoppers might do well against Dwarves. Depends on what happens when they get Anvilled. Suppose you could try to dispel...oh wait, it's shooting your units down to half movement with magical auto-hits....sorry... :)

Any suggestions for the next article? Requests?

-Airtruck

You should use your opponent's dwarf army and see if you even lose while using dwarves or whether its impossible for them to lose.

-Ed

How to lose to dwarfes using dwarfes! Can you get both sides to loose then? :)

Knowing me, I could find a way.

I was actually thinking about doing a special "How to Lose Customers: Games Workshop" edition. Would that be fun or just tastelss? :P

-Airtruck

Omg I love your stuff. The stunties hurt my feelings......Wins for O&G's: 0, Wins.....Massacres for Dwarves: 5. :D :D

How GW loses customers would be entertaining. Tasteless, meh, Tofu is tasteless. Who cares? Its healthy.

-Ed

The stunties hate us b/c we not only punked'em out , we're still livin' in their homes! you'd be mad too if you spent a 100 years buildind a hold via mining thru stone just to have some big green guy kick in the door, snotweavle slap you and move in. :huh:

I have the ultimate WAAAGH! dice. der see though green wit white dots.
also some one has done tests with different types of dice...
Gamesworkshop or rounded dice will roll 1's and 6' more often.
but casino dice or pointed dice will have a more generlized roll of numbers
and my WAAAGH! dice are casino dice..
B)

How to lose at dice-rolling: in a doubles campaign, play an unpainted, weird alliance (for example, Brets and Skaven) against a fully-painted alliance where one of the members decided nnot to use the shiny new High Elf rules because the other ally was using Chaos.

My friend and I are new to warhammer and we've only played some sample games at 500 points a piece, but his Dwarves have indeed stomped my Boyz each time. These are sad days my friends.

:(

I find a unit of 20+ orcs boyz with two choppaz and full command can do some pretty good damage to dwarfs if you get the charge. But i guess I'm kinda lucky because my dwarf friend doesn't max out on shooty units and war machines.

Speaking of war machines, in my last game, I managed to get 4 wolf boys to charge my dwarf friends cannon, and those damn dwarfs killed my wolf riders without taking a single wound. To make matters worse, his miners popped up on his turn and completely destroyed the crew of both my spear chukkaz :(.

The news was that I got a minor victory. All thanks to some rampaging orc boyz with choppaz!


P.s i love this thread, keep up the good work. And if anyone needs some tips on losing to Bretts, then I have an abundance of knowledge on the subject >_<.

-Squigling

seems to me you guys should be let in on a secret.

I was terrible with Orcs, couldn't do much aside from hand over massacre class victories to my opponents.
Then I discovered the greatest OnG tactic of all.

Cheating.

Now some of you are probably thinking that it is a horrible way to play Warhammer, and you'd be shamed out of your store/club, but no. Not that sort of cheating...
Read on.

First of all, you need at least 1 goblin unit in your army, you need the sneakyness.

After both sides have deployed and you have rolled for the first turn, but before the first turn actually starts, announce to your opponent that because you have goblins in your army you will be automatically winning the game on a roll of 2+

Proceed to roll a D6.

In doing this, I have been blessed somehow with the sheer power of the dice gods themselves.
If I roll a 2+ on that roll, my dice are things of legend for that game.
None may stand before them in defiance.

Should I roll a 1, I may still win the game anyway. maybe 50/50 chance.

There you have it, use the goblins to pull the attention of the terrible, herculean minds of the gods of dice to your table.
Watch your opponent cower in utter terror of the madness that you have ushered onto the tabletop with your dark and blasphemous pact.

Get back here and let us all know how you fare when the dark powers of chance heed your call and succumb to your desires.