Useful Expressions for High Stress Days

1. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?

3. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

4. Do I look like a fucking people person?

5. You! Off my planet!!

6. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

7. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

8. Earth is full, Go home.

9. What am I?!?! Flypaper for freaks?!?!

10. I started out with nothing....and I still have most of it left.

11. Not all people are annoying....some are dead.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

13. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

14. I feel like I'm diagonally parked.........in a parallel universe.

15. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

16. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!

17. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

18. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

LOL ahaha I used number 5)You! Off my planet!! all the time last year ^_^ thats always fun :P

LMFAO!! ahaha Those are just about the most useful pieces of information i've heard all day!! :lol: And for once.. i'm not being sarcastic :P

glad to help u out :P

Canadian Diary


Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can't hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada.

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shovelling. F*cking snow plow.

Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shovelling. I think the snow plow hides around the corner until I'm done shovelling the driveway. A*shole.

Dec. 25 - Merry F*cking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-b*tch who drives the snow plow, I swear I'll kill the b*stard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f*cking ice.

Dec. 27 - More white sh*t last night. Been inside for three days now except for shovelling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white sh*t and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the sh*t again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That f*cking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the sh*t this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plow got stuck up in the road and that bast*rd came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shovelling out all the sh*t he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his f*cking head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those f*cking beasts should be killed. The bast*rds are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that f*cking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

LOL hehehehe Yes yes Canada can suck at times :P :lissa:

LOL :lol: Hah! So TRUE!! :P

If I had a diary, it would sound like that.... except I wouldn't move to Florida because they wouldn't except my 'Eh-ing' if you get my drift :)

lol I just bet it would sound something like that. ^_^ I had fun reading that...hhmm I wonder what else I Can find...

Fun Things to Do at Wal-Mart


Fun things to do Wal-Mart while the spouse or significant other is taking his/her sweet time!

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to their loudest setting.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Put one pack of M&M's on layaway.

8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store

18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!

23. Put womens pantihose over in the sock sections and say "Mens size is half price" (lol a wonderful suggestion by Hedwig :P )

LOL one day...i just might do allll of this stuff ^_^

LMFAO

you forgot one though

23. Put womens pantihoses (sp?) over in the sock sections and say "Mens size is half price"

LOL! :lol: how COULD I forget that?! *shakes head* just where is my mind these days?...Oh thats soooo going up there :lissa: ^_^

ok lol thats so funny :P :D

I've done 16. And I've randomly dropped things into people's carts :D. Although not condoms :o. Do they sell condom at Wal-mart?

they Probably Do :o LOL Meagan, You sent me that Through E-mail like 500 times :P Well maybe not just you, I've gotten it from other people as well ^_^

yea actually they do sell them....

lol well if Wal-Mart has a pharmicy (sp) type thing then I bet they do...and yeah I did send this out to people cuz I was equally if not more bored then i was when I posted this :P hhmm I think I'll post another one! :D

Actual Product Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, but that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(A little late for that warning!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(I never would have guessed that one)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save everyone a little more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(And I was taking this because....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what other uses?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious - what other use???.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(ane let me guess....Fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Did this really happen often enough for it to be written on the chainsaw???)

LOL :lol: woah I'm haveing lots of fun posting this stuff! I hope I gave you all a good laugh with this one too ^_^

omg! those are great!

of course! ^_^ :P glad you found them funny all in a days work :lissa:

DAMN! I thought for sure that Superman costume would enable me to fly :( I was all set-up to jump off the roof too :'(

LOL Crazynessssss hehehe I Love the Peanuts one though :P

lol I like the Children's Cough Medicine :P ahhh I love this stuff ^_^ and that superman one reminds me of Gr.8 soo much fun Shike and I were in a play and had these cape type things and we felt more like super heros then angels lol my friends kept telling me "that cape does not enable you to fly" :P ahh I miss elementry...but yeah I'm glad you guys liked it! I shall put up more...latter

lol, Grade 8 was just "Whack" for Me :cindy:

Gr.9 you say? Well I still need to finish mine but so far its been like every other school year with its ups and downs...I can't even tell if its more ups then downs or vice versa(sp) such a blur...

Hm . . . Actually, I meant Grade 8 >_< Blah, Grade 9 Sucked, Grade 10 has been pretty well so far :)

lol yeah...*shrugs* I don't really know Gr.9 as in school has been very fun but apart from school its been kinda a bad dream doesn't seem real...but yeah...we're getting off topic again :P

Here's Your Sign - By Bill Engvall

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" I say, "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week so see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."



A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" I says, "Nope, talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."



I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."



Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."



We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house and he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.



I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge? The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. Ok...no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he asked "So...is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "no I'm delivering a bridge...here's your sign."



I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No, I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today?

LOL ahhh I love sarcasim ^_^

i got another one of those

"My wife, little boy and I were all shopping for a Christmas tree in a Christmas tree lot. The clerk came up and asked 'You folks here shopping for a Christmas tree?' I looked at him and said 'No. My boy here needed to go to the bathroom and these trees looked awfully inviting!' Heres your sign! Heres your sign! Heres your stupid sign!"

I got that from a song I heard around Christmas two years ago.....havent forgotten it since...lol

LOL i know eh? some people *shakes head* hehehe ah the world would be a better place if only stupid people had a sign ^_^ ...I'd prob be wearing like half a sign :P

only half? wow thats a news flash!!! jk (KIDDING: DO NOT TAKE SERIOUS)

lol oh gee thanks...well at least I won't wear a compelete sign like someone I know...*cough*Hedwig*cough* lol ^_^ no worries I know when people are being sarcastic. You gotta learn to laugh at yourself...plus I like being sarcastic too :P

yay 3rd page lol sorry just bored :P

who's this Hedwig? I know someone like that but their name isnt that completely...lol :P

lol sure you don't know them...surrree :P

i dont *looks around* :blink: :P

*points to your memeber title* look shes right there! Advanced Psycho! :D

*looks* I think you are a advanced psycho.......i see nothing of the sort...


lol

...maybe your...blind! :o

An Eye for an Eye makes the whole world Blind :o

lol I've heard that saying before...and I'm bored...so you know what that means!...yes more funny stuff! :D