As most of you know I am fairly long winded and find it hard to edit things down. In talking with another writer whom I admire, she suggested I write some drabble to learn how to be more concise in my word choices.

It was great fun and, although I've only produced one so far it is an eye opening experience. I'd love to get some feedback on this, as it's my first drabble and I'd like to see if I got my idea across effectively.

Thanks guys!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The scent of sweet peas envelope him as he stares out the window.

“Where are you going little man?”

“Away.”

Sunlight melts a dusty rectangle into the worn floorboards. Scuffed shoes, on tiny feet below too long shorts, dangled over the edge of the bench. Feeling the rumble before hearing the whistle he slides from the bench into the glowing rectangle.

“’Bye.”

The smell of spices, coal, seared meat, and body odor swirl in the wake of passers-by. Eyes closed, deep breathe, make a wish.

Time passes.

Sweet peas

“Back?”

He nods.

“Let’s go home.”

He takes her offered hand.

I like this. It gives us a glimpse into what House' childhood would've been like.. very interesting :)

God and peace
Vanessa :)

Beautiful.

What more can I say?

imagery... and the senses... particuarly important here. Lovely...
Like poetry.

I thought this was really good, especially for your first drabble. I especially liked the absence of proper names; it added nicely to the imagist mood of the fic. :)

You reminded me of the safety, the insecurity and the smell of childhood. It was like a small refreshing holiday. Thank you.

WOW, thanks guys! :D I have this whole story running around in my head (One of the five fics I am working on) and, after being introduced to the idea of using drabbles to distill the writing process I wanted to try to get the feel of the fic across in 100 words.

From your responses I think it may have worked. I still need to work on the drabbles though. It is a real exercise in finding just the right word to convey the exact feel you want.

I am from the Dickens School of Writing I feel there is the whole Oxford dictionary full of words, a world full of language, and always more pages to put print on, why economize?! But I'm learning there is the modern world of busy people School of Reading. That having to slog through three pages of House sitting on his couch and that can be boring and time consuming. So, to join the two I'd like to use you folks as guinea pigs. trying to fuse my previous long-winded style with a more concise choice of words to keep it interesting and flowing for the reader.

Thanks again for the lovely feedback. It is immensely encouraging!