My next story.

Chapter 1: A beginning of friends
The bus’s brakes squealed to a stop. Jace untied his trunk, got up and walked to the front of the bus. “ Thanks for the ride.” he said to the driver and stepped out into the afternoon air. Jace reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded sheet of paper with instructions written on it.


Take the 4’oclock plane to England, from
there take the #2 bus to Hogs Head tavern and Inn.
Transportation to the academy
will arrive at 10 am in the morning.
P.S Good luck young swords man, I’ll see you later.
Your friend, Weslin


“ 10 am huh? Well I guess I’ll set the alarm clock a little early.” Jace said and read the note again. “ Later? Is Weslin going be the academy too?” he said. Jace glanced at the Tavern and sighed. “ Well, I better get a room.” he said and carried his trunk to the tavern door and opened it. It smelled of oldness, not a bad smell but a pleasant homey like smell. The inside of the Tavern was old fashioned. Wooden floors with out carpet, lanterns that ran on oil and a wood burning stove for cooking. On the walls were pictures of a knight in black armor and holding a sword over his head in triumph.

“ Need something?” a voice said to the left. Jace turned his neck to where the voice came from. “ Uh, yeah a room.” he managed to say. The voice was a man with gray hair and brown eyes. Wearing a brown vest with a white shirt underneath it and puke green colored pants sitting behind a counter. He bore an angry expression on his face. As if he were mad at the world. He looked at Jace and the anger lifted. “ You must be Jace Varkins correct?” He said and walked around the counter. “ Yeah, how did you know?” Jace said. The old man extended his hand and Jace shook it. “ Weslin sent me a message that some new students to the academy would be arriving.” he said. Jace watched as the old man grabbed his trunk and walked to a flight of stairs. Jace followed him and they started up the stairs. “ By the way, my name is Mr. Dunvar..” he said as they reached the top of the stair case and walked down a long hallway with doors on each side with numbers impressed upon them. They came to a door with the number 8 on it. “ Here we go, room 8.” Mr. Dunvar said and handed Jace his trunk. “ Well I better be getting down stairs. Someone’s gotta run the counter.” he said and disappeared down the stairs. Mr. Dunvar’s footsteps faded away and Jace opened the door. There were two windows in the room along with two dressers and two beds. A boy with blonde hair and wearing a camouflage shirt and tan khaki shorts, sat on one of the beds rummaging through his trunk.

Your story has potential GB

However, you still need to work on structuring your story.

Its hard to tell whos saying what, and its also hard to separate the dialogue from description.

An easy way to do this is to structure them by paragraphs, it makes it easier to read and looks better too.

Quick trick for when to start a new paragraph when involving dialogue is to make a new paragraph when either A) a new person starts to speak or B) when you've gone through a lot of non dialogue text between your first bit of speech and then their next little bit.

It makes everything much more understandable and easier to follow.


But this isn't bad, keep on working at it B)

Yeah, sorry about that. I'm learning to do better ar my story writing though.