Okay. Maybe I'm a bit of a hypochondreac. or drama queen. or whatever. because I've read so many stories of people on these boards that have been through so much mroe than I have and are dealing with it better than I am. So if I seem like a whining shit of a teenager, you were warned.

I was born in a college town in Oregon. My parents were young and poor, my mom taking some extra college courses while my dad finished up his doctorate. We lived in a small house and then moved to Basel, Switzerland where my dad had found a job with a big chemical company called La Roche. My brother was born in a small apartment in a small village outside the main city, and they wrapped him in tin foil for the trip to the hospital and later dressed him in pink. My parents, young and poor in a nation of rich, older, intolerant people, weren't happy in the country. People were mean and inconsiderate, and though they found a few friends in the English speaking church, they decided that it was best to go back to America.

So we up and moved to Cincinatti, Ohio, where my dad worked for Procter and Gamble. We lived in the same house for nine years. I went to the same school from kindergarten to 5th grade, with the same people. But I never really had many friends. Sure, I had some "friends", but the only onesthat I kept for at least 6 of those 9 years were the one across the street and Alexa. I was the smart girl in the corner of the class that people laughed at and bummed answers off. But I was happy, realatively, I didnt know any better. My parents were kind of seperated from the real word, my mom was a church addict and my dad, once he left the church declaring that it was a load of bullshit, was wrapped up in life. I was never really taught to be confident, never allowed to watch tv shows such as the Rugrats for fear that they would corrupt my mind. Huh. Look where that protection got me.

Anyways, one summer we were visiting my grandparents in germany like we did almost every summer, and my parents went away for a day or two to "visit basel." They came back and announced that we would be moving to basel. In a month. I cried on my Oma's couch for hours. They were ruining my life... i was only just beginning to be accepted in school.

So we got back, had 2 weeks to pack, and the next thing I knew, I was standing in an airport in Switzerland, looking for some old friends of my parents, while crowds of people rushed around speaking in some weird language that i could only half understand. We had 2 days before school started.

School was great. It was an English speaking school, and they loved new people. I got on the bus to go to the mountains on the first day, and everybody looks up and says "Come sit here".

Right away i found my "group". Me and my best friend were the ringleaders, and we were the "popular people." In 7th grade, I started going out with the "ringleader" of the "cool guys". He was my world. We went out for ayear.

Weird, I know. But we really liked each other. Like, really. But towards the end, his friends started poisoning his mind, and their hate for me convinced him to dislike me. So we split up. I didnt dump him, he didnt dump me. It just kinda ... stopped.

And I was fine with that. For a while. But what I havent told you was that I had been pretty depressed since we moved. I'd start crying randomly, or just get pissed off. Chris was the only one that really understood, and the only one I could really talk to. So when he was "gone" i had noone to talk to. After a while, i got pretty depressed. Like, really. That was when I started writing. I mean, I wasn't cutting myself or anything, but I was just down.

After a while, we began to talk again, and we were like, best friends. Closer than before, really. And through him, I met my best friend, Maria. She was amazing. We had so much fun, I could finally show the world how crazy i really was without anyone caring much, because, it was just me and maria. It's what we did. She liked Chris, too. They went out for a little, but it didnt realyl work. And I know ur thinking that i got mad at her and told her to piss off. Ur sadly mistaken. I set them up. Anyways, me and Chris started getting pretty tight again. We were always talking on the phone. He'd never talk to me at school tho. and we were in the same class.

ah well. That summer, last summer, Maria left. She'd only been here for a year. But she moved to Finland. I've seen her once since then, and I miss her soo much. Chris was in and out of the country. But on the few occasions I saw him, he'd jump on me. He knew i still liked him. If his parents hadn't been around so much, I don't know what would have happend. Anyways, he came back from the states and I didn't know him. He was basically an alcoholic, and he didn't give two shits about me.

i missed maria a lot. I didn't really have any close friends, besides chris and maria. sure, i had mariana, but we were both different this year. I was just lonely. I started talking to David. We were pretty good friends, and then he started getting really pissy and mean and stuff. So now, it's just me. I hang out with some of the girls in my class, but the two of them are really really close and im just like a third wheel.

But I'll deal with it. My life really depends on my writing. If i couldn't write i dont know what I'd do. And dreams.

My dream is to be on broadway. Or to be a famous singer. I love singing. But everyday my parents step on it, saying that I'm good but there isn't any hope and I'd be better to concentrate on my schoolwork. As a result, my selfconfidence is about zero.

So basically, I'm a normal teen. My parents are an affliction and I can't talk to anyone, and I'd rather be out with my friends than anything. I can be amused by hours just walking around town with my friends, or sit in starbucks and talk about guys. I long for independance, and my one dream is the thing that is possibly the hardest to reach. I have no motivation to do anything but sit on my couch and read, or listen to music. My parents think I'm wasting away, I think that they're stupid. I still unconsciously blame them for everything. I hate being alone if there is a possiblity taht i could be in town, and i fantasize about meeting Elijah Wood or Orlando Bloom. Staring in a movie with either of them is a dream that is painful for its mere impossibilty. I hate the country I live in, yet I would die to have to leave it.

That's a glimpse into my pathetic past, i know im a drama queen and that everything seems so much more harsh to me than it really is. But culture shock's a bitch, and homesickness sucks, loving a fool is horrible, seclusion is torture, and dreams impossible haunt you. And if you have a pathetic, weak mind, all that makes you go crazy.

so, if you think i'm crazy, now you know why.

:kiss2:

wow! i didn't know you had lived in Swizterland before!

i've only moved across town. no biggy. it would suck to move across the ocean. i remember i was pissed when we thought we might have to go to france...

Sweetie!! *huggles*
Told you already: be who you are!!
You're a great gal just the way you are! You needn't change!
I love ya, you know it!