*yawns* (note: poem #2 is not, i repeat, NOT, about the same person as the last two. oh, and i apologize in advance for any swearing i put in my poems *shrugs* yea...)

"marcy" dec. 1, 2003

i'm so damn cold
and nothing can keep me warm
trying too hard to be numb
i'm freezing to death here!
my neck can't hold my head up anymore
all i can think of is sleep
but even that doesn't bring rest
i'm wond up so tight
i'm ready to snap
ready to break
all i want is some warmth
all i need is some rest
screw it all,
scream into another day
cry into another night
i wish i was a skitzophrenics dellusion
because then i wouldn't be real
i wouldn't be "valuable"
and instead of freezing,
i could just disolve...
maybe then i could find some peace
maybe then i could be free
and safe...

(sorry for starting off on a rather depressing note *shrugs*)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

december 10/11, 2003

just for a moment
i saw so much of myself in him
in his eyes,
the kind of pale turquoise
that rest carefully upon you
eyes that take note of everything,
eyes that know too much...
of course, his words knew more than mine,
they knew how to take words
unreachable to me
and wrap passion around them,
before giving them back to us
(...unfortunatly he has one of those voices that reminds me of something awful that i want to hit with a sledgehammer to make it shut up...)
...but in his stature
in the way he sat there
or the way he wrapped his arms around himself...
as if to keep himself together
and take up the least amount of space necessary
it's just that, something in his expression struck me
(...and it was like one of those movie scenes, the ones where for one second you could have SWORN someone you know was in place of that actor...)
just for a moment...
but in him, i saw me
...not my past or my future...
but somewhere down at his core; me.
(... and i'm not implying that i loved the guy or anything even close, i don't even really know him...)
only that for a moment...
that was me, sitting at that desk,
my head in my hands, that same old ache in my chest
trying to remove myself, from how i felt...
...so strange to see how i must seem
to everyone else
through him...
and it made me wonder;
in my own ocean eyes...
did he ever see a part of himself as well?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
dec 14th 03
In this very moment
I have finally realized
that i would rather be myself, than her
always.
she may think she has him, but she never will
I would rather him trust me with his poems
than his body
I would rather love his soul, than his lips.
and in he eyes,
I would rather see poetic passion
than confusion and blind love
and now i know, that I am the lucky one
because I'm no longer jealous,
of what the other can have; not like her
and courtly love can still exist,
in this heartbreaking modernized world
because I can love his soul
and know he loves mine as well
but she never need be wary of us
because his body belongs to her
and wedding bands can bind them for life
but a part of his soul, has been intrusted to me
and for that, I am ever in debt to our God.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-18-03

how many times, must i see how much he loves her
and he does love her,
no matter how i cannot believe it
no matter how i cannot say it without forming mocking quotations in the air
"in love"
how many times, must i read verse describing his love
in flowing words that roll over one
like a gentle ocean wave rolls over one's bare feet
in the still warm sand on beaches in the summer evenings
"in love"
how many times, must i be forced to shove thoughts of urquieted love aside
knowing that that is all it can ever be
because it's only the sight of her that melts the ice left over in his heart
and while i can laugh with him over menial things, we are not
"in love"
how many times, must i feel guilty for my thoughts
how many times, must i pretend that i believe they are
"in love"
their warm embrace, and my cold distance,
from everything they have, only jealousy keeps me
from the loving friendship they both still have to offer
how many times, will i make myself bleed
to banish the longing for love, burned into my soul
i loathe that i feel almost incomplete, being alone
when i am so very far from being alone
miles and mountains and oceans away from being alone
and at the same time
how simple is it, to feel the lonliest,
when surounded by everyone, believing you have nothing to say
how many times, must i cut, to punish myself for thinking
if only i could be
"in love"
then i wouldn't feel this way
the words freeze like ice on my lips and fall to the ground
with my own body close behind
the thoughts blur every other and my soul screams
until i can't move or breathe, and all i can manage are choked sobs
as i stare in horror at every sharp object i notice around me
how many times, must i regret my part in their joining
my encouragement, ignoring what i knew would become of us
i wanted to believe that i was wrong
just like i wanted so badly to believe that if things ever got "bad enough"
that i could just leave, disappear, and be numb
but i haven't believed either for a very long time now
and no matter how many times, i lie to myself
i ache
all the way to my soul
and yet, i know
that somehow, someway, i'll make it to tomorrow
and look back thinking, how ridiculous i have been!
because though old pains will only be buried deep
i'm going to be there on their wedding day
and i'm going to remind them
they are IN LOVE
and oneday, I will be too,
but not today...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(um yea, i know i said i WASN't jealous in poem#3, and then went back and changed my mind in #4; i tend to do that, bc i'm dumb (not really though, just crazy) so yea, sorry about that lol)

whoa!!! I love this... ur truly talented!! :yes:

thanks! :D

i'm impressed.

some lines that I particularly like, and comments on them:

i wish i was a skitzophrenics dellusion

assuming you mean a "skitzophrenics" in a possessive sense, i like this line a lot. i seek originality in the descriptiveness of poetry. the concept of being a "dellusion" is sort of unique to begin with, though not notably so. however, saying "i wish" you were a dellusion adds another whole facet to it. it brings in the notion of desires and dreams, which compliment that notion of dellusion while at the same time standing in juxtaposition to it. adding the very specific idea of wishing you were the product of a phychological disorder only serves to further accentuate the subtleties of the line and really make it stand out as a great line.

how many times, must i read verse describing his love
in flowing words that roll over one
like a gentle ocean wave rolls over one's bare feet
in the still warm sand on beaches in the summer evenings

i like the fact that you add in a lot of description here. it is somewhat a departure from what appears to be your regular style of preferring the impact of thoughts and feelings related in a very up-front way to that of beautiful description that flows and tumbles over the ear even when appearing only as words on a page. not to discredit either approach, of course, because both are good, but i like the fact that you are able to incorporate that kind of description in here. the uniqueness of your description certainly doesn't lie in the last two lines, but in the overarching context of the situation. that is, you describe the "flowings words" in terms that would in most situations be considered very positive and endearing, yet they are nevertheless framed within the context of that moment of "how many times must i read," which brings a definite feeling of force and the situation existing against your will, and carries a definite negative energy (not "negative" in any bad sense, mind you. i hope you understand what i mean by that).

and while i can laugh with him over menial things, we are not
"in love"

in a poem that is well-constructed in terms of the utilization of repetition and repeated attempts at describing something that is much better described in the "snapshots" you give than with a matter-of-fact explaination, these two lines perhaps do more than any other in my mind to communicate a bit of your feelings. the stark reality of that statement (for i know of no better way to describe it) is stunning. it's one of those lines that i think everyone can probably identify with just enough to grab onto it and catch a glimpse of the pain that you're writing through here. well-put.

miles and mountains and oceans away from being alone

i simply like the three of these strung together. "mountains" and "oceans" are so commonly put together that it becomes almost laughable in most cases, but in this case, by inserting them into an otherwise complete phrase ("miles away from being alone"), you give them a fresh perspective. reducing them to the status of a only parts of a list that includes also the word "miles" tends to make them stand out as each having a unique meaning, but also a commonality. the commonality that they share with each other AND "miles" is much different than the commonality that is usually pointed to when they're used together in isolation. i just liked you using these three words.

and at the same time
how simple is it, to feel the lonliest,
when surounded by everyone, believing you have nothing to say

i was going to point out that i can identify with this line and like it for that reason, until i noticed the very last part of it ("believing you have nothing to say"). that struck me, and caused me to pause and re-examine, at which point i also noticed the first part ("and at the same time / how simple is it"). i think that those two lines frame that middle (a common concept) in such a way that makes this section of the poem very expressive.


again, compliments on the poetry.

yes, i did mean "skitzophrenic's" in the possesive sense. what can i say, i have terrible grammer *shrugs* lol


bye bye :bye:

i just wrote this like, a MINUTE ago, so it's still un-revised and/or edited. still, i figured there'd be no harm in posting it, so here goes....

~Painter~

I see the depth in your eyes
and pray to God to make me a painter
if only to capture
the colours of your soul
as I see it in your eyes
to smooth a delicate brush
over an untainted canvas
and blend together the worlds
locked inside your colours

if God should grant me
only one moment
to blend words into images
I would capture your face
your sea storm eyes
and the summer in your hair
the light of your worlds
shining through to our universe...

to give the world only a glimpse
to capture your light
to portray...duplicate...your wonder...

...I thank God
I'm not a painter...

POETS! PLEEEEEEEEEEASE answer my cast call *grins* it's in the info/announcement" section for fan fics, and it's the "Topher Grace fic" cast call.

it has Jamie Kennedy in it too!! (the poet, not the guy on tv *makes gaging noise* hehehe)

PLEASE??! *begs* :lmao:

i found this on in one of my many notebooks...

Dec. 28, 2003......12:54 AM

have you ever felt so lonely
that you wished you were skizophrenic
just so that you wouldn't be alone
have you ever hated yourself so much
that you don't even think you deserve to die
because you don't deserve that release
from all the pain
have you ever hurt so bad
that you can't move, or breathe
or even cry
have you ever been so numb
that you find yourself lying on the floor
just waiting for this wave to pass
just pushing it back
just enough, so you can pretend it isn't there
have you ever been so lost
that you don't remember
what it's like to be found
to feel safe and warm and loved
even when you're by yourself
have you ever known
what it's like to have to stay awake
to make sure you remember to breathe
because your life is so sophocating
that you can't see straight anymore
and you don't even remember why
people that loved you and left you
and you don't even want to try anymore
you just want them to leave you the h*** alone
because some how, some way
you've got to pull yourself back together
breathe, bleed, breathe, ache, bleed
just breathe...
have you ever been so blind
that you refuse to accept the hands held up to catch you
by then, you're ready to free fall anyway...
have you ever?

I have.

(i dunno, it's a little odd. but i think it captured how i feel in my worst times. don't mean to freak you all out lol. i'm not THAT crazy, honest :blink: lol)

laters!