Title: Forbidden Love
Rating: PG-13 for language
Summary: “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.” - James Baldwin
Sometimes love just isn’t enough…
Words: 2909
A/N: So I pretty much Jimmy Eat World. This story was inspired by the following lyrics:
When I let you closer, I only want you closer.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
Yeah, if you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
If you love me at all…
Dom stood in the doorway casting shadows in the dimly lit hallway. Overhead fluorescent lights hummed as he silently watched her. As the seconds ticked by the pain in his chest became nearly crippling as he stole glances at her while she lovingly caressed the face of her husband. He noted how she continuously fought back the tears that threatened to spill from her pale grey eyes. Dom hated seeing her like this, hated how she hid her grief from him and their friends, and above all hated how she pretended that she didn’t need anyone.
Stepping forward into the shadowy room he cleared his throat to make his presence known. “Reagan” he said softly, “It’s time to go.”
Watery grey eyes met his, “Already” she asked in a feeble voice. Solemnly Dom nodded his head.
“I’ll give you a few more minutes; I’ll be down the hall if you need anything.” Before leaving he walked over to the bed and gently placed his hands upon the shoulders of the still figure. In that moment Dom did as he always did, he silently prayed to God to end the suffering that both Reagan and her husband dealt with on a daily basis. Dom watched the diminutive figure slowly nod her head while she trembled uncontrollably. Unwillingly, he slowly pulled away from Reagan knowing that she would like to be alone to say goodbye.
Reagan wordlessly watched Dom stride out of the room and it wasn’t until he was gone that she released the breath that she had inadvertently been holding. Still clutching the hand of her sleeping husband her gaze wandered back to the now empty door frame. “Oh God, why must this be so hard” she whispered to the room that was silent except for the rhythmical beeps of the monitors. As usual, there was no response, not from her husband, nor from any greater being from above.
It had been two excruciating long years since the accident and for those two long years Reagan had spent every evening visiting her husband at Oakwood Village. Her husband was now a ghost of the man he once was. A shell and nothing more. The intelligence that once wooed her was now replaced by the constant chattering of nonsense, and that was on his good days. Most other days he laid in silence, eyes blankly staring at something that only he could see. The worst, well the worst is something that Reagan tried to block from her memory. Seeing the man she devoted her life to thrashing about, straining against the restraints that kept him safe, safe from himself broke her down no matter how often it happened. Echoes of his screams would haunt her for weeks.
Stroking his face, Reagan leaned down and delicately kissed his pale lips. “Oh Jamis,” she whispered, choking back the tears. “Why? Why did it have to be you? We had only just begun our life together, our life so full of promise and hope despite the bleak times. And now…”
Her thoughts drifted back to the beginning. Jamis was like a knight in shining armor for her back then. They had met by chance – both had been stood up by friends at a bar and found excellent company within each other. Their relationship moved forward at lightening speed. Friends cautioned her that things were moving too quickly and that she didn’t know what she was getting into. Reagan welcomed the diversion. She was a point in her life where reality was far too frightening. Frightening images faced her each and every dawn. She felt like she was on the verge of losing it. Losing control, losing hope, losing what was left of her soul. It was in the darkest of times that she found refuge in the arms of someone she would have never imagined. Just as if it were a fairytale, Jamis swept in and sheltered Reagan from the raging storm that was her life. Jamis was her saviour, the one positive thing in life full of disappointments and bad decision. One year to the date of their meeting, Jamis and Reagan were joined in holy matrimony in a small civil service surrounded by a handful of their closest friends.
Fast forward two years. If you asked Reagan about the night of August 24, 2005 she could recall every detail leading up to the phone call that brought her world crashing down. Pain sears through her chest as the memories flood her senses. The pain just as cutting as it was the night she rushed to the hospital and fell to her knees as a faceless doctor explained that there had been a terrible accident. A horrifying car accident that involved Jamis, her Jamis. Jamis was badly injured and was in a coma. For 6 months Jamis laid in a hospital bed as time passed. It was a miracle the doctors said when he awoke from the coma. People constantly reassured Reagan that Jamis was lucky - at least he wasn’t dead, they would say as if it were some sort of comfort to her. To her, he was as good as dead. They had tackled this crazy thing called life side by side for three years, two of them as husband and wife, and within a matter of seconds Reagan was left utterly and horribly alone.
Jamis was admitted to Oakwood Village a month after he awoke from the coma and it was here that Reagan would diligently play the role of the dutiful and loving wife. When she was not at Oakwood Village she would hole herself up in the old bungalow that was once their home. She knew that people were worried, especially friends of Jamis. During her time with Jamis, his close group of friends became her friends and eventually became like family to her. Reagan knew they had good intentions, but she had no ambition, no desire to be rescued from her despair. She politely declined the majority of invitations, wishing only to spend time at Oakwood Village and at home.
The sound of someone clearing their throat snapped Reagan back into reality, back into the stark surroundings of the long term care facility. “Reagan,” Dom’s voice questioned. Silently, the young woman stood, bent down and gently placed a kiss on the top of her husband’s pale forehead. Walking forward Dom embraced her in a gentle hug, “Come on, let’s go.”
Without a word she followed Dom out of the door, throwing one sullen glance back at Jamis.
***
Reagan settled into the couch, gathering up a blanket, basking in the glow of the fire. The rattle and clank of objects in the kitchen caught her attention and she glanced up to watch Dom. Dom. Sweet, jovial, kind Dom. He was always there for her. Unknowingly he had become her rock through this whole ordeal with Jamis. He refused to take no for an answer from Reagan when she repeatedly declined visits and outings. He would just show up at her door and not leave until she allowed him entrance. She was stubborn at first, but after the time Dom sat on her doorstep from dusk till dawn, she realized that he was not a force to be reckoned with. She had always enjoyed Dom’s company, even back in the days when he saw her as the “new chick Jamis was into”. Since the accident, she had grown close to Dom. In the beginning it seemed only natural to seek solace in the only other person that truly understood and loved Jamis, his best friend. As time crept by, Reagan couldn’t help but wonder if she had become too close.
“Well, after a few mishaps, I’ve finally got your tea. Took me a bit to get the perfect honey to sugar to tea proportions, but I think it is near perfection now” Dom stated with a look of satisfaction as he handed her the cup of tea and sat down on the couch next to her.
She smiled at the thought. Dom, a self professed tea connoisseur, couldn’t comprehend why someone would want to muddle the taste of tea with sugar and honey. He nearly threw a fit if anyone asked for anything but milk to add to tea. Reagan was flattered that he would go against his own cardinal rule for her. “Thank you,” she replied with sincere smile followed by a small giggle.
Dom couldn’t suppress his own grin. “My God, when was the last time she smiled like that,” he thought to himself. “What’s so funny” he growled.
“Just the thought of you cursing under your breath about the way us crazy Yanks enjoy our cuppa tea.”
They shared a smile as they stared into each others eyes. As if a switch had been flicked the innocent look they shared earlier had become intensified. Dom had that look again, hungry eyes. An uncomfortable wave seared through Reagan’s body causing her to break eye contact and to stare into the murky water of her tea. Silence ensued.
After what seemed like an eternity, Dom broke the silence. Softly he said, “Reagan, we can’t keep pretending like this.”
Face flushed she muttered, “Like what Dom?”
“Don’t play coy with me Reagan Halloway. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“Dom” she started. Eyes downcast she continued, “It…well, it was a thing of the past. It was one drunken night. It…It was a mistake.”
“Don’t say that” he fiercely growled. “You don’t mean it and you know that.” Thrusting his hand under her chin, he raised her face so she was looking at him squarely. “If you believe it to be true, look me in the eyes and say it.”
As if she had a time turner she was transported back into time. Back into the depths of Dom’s flat. They were drunk, smashingly drunk off one to many bottles of wine and shots of tequila. He had shown up at her door and said he was not leaving until she came out and had dinner with him. Persistent as usual, she had no choice to go. Besides, it was a wanted distraction from the hollow feelings that encased her upon returning home from Oakwood Village. Reagan couldn’t remember the last time she felt so free. She had laughed, laughed as if she hadn’t a care in the world, as if she didn’t have a husband who didn’t recognize or remember who she was. Dinner progressed and the alcohol was going down all together too well. Somehow they ended up at Dom’s flat, and somehow they had ended up dancing in his living room. His living room of all places! Practical Reagan Halloway did not dance around in a living room, especially when there was no music playing. Her senses were alive that night. Every caress of Dom’s hands on her waist, her arm, her neck, her hair, caused a tingling sensation and a very unfamiliar warming in between her legs. She stared into Dom’s icy blue eyes, noted the way he took in every inch of her body with those hungry eyes. His breathe, hot on her neck, on her ear quickened her pulse rate. She was mesmerized by the curvature of his lips, the way the candle flames danced upon the slicked surface as his tongue wet the bow of his mouth. Feeling carefree, she did something so uncharacteristic for her, which acted as an igniter to the suppressed sexual tension resonating between the two of them. She leaned in and tasted his sweet lips. Just one kiss was all it took. The invitation that Dom had been waiting for. She was literally swept off her feet as Dom carried her back to his bedroom.
Blinking back the past, she looked into Dom’s eyes, lip trembling, unsure of what to say next. Tearing her eyes away and her head free from his grasp she blurted out, “Dom, it isn’t right. I’m married. To your best friend! Have you forgotten that?”
“Reagan” he replied gently. “He is gone. You and I both know that. It is time for you to move on. No one would think any less of you. Everyone agrees that it is time for you to move on. He isn’t coming back. Jamis would have wanted you to be happy.”
Sobs racked Reagan’s delicate frame. Dom continued unfazed, “Reagan, you are 25 years old. You still have your whole life ahead of you. Find yourself. Find happiness.” He paused, reached out and caressed her cheek, “Find love again.”
Dom knew he was pushing it, but he couldn’t stand to see her like this any more. He wanted her to be happy again. He knew he could make her happy. Looking back, he wasn’t sure of the exact moment of when he realized he loved her. She had always been like a little sister to him, tagging along with the Jamis and their group of friends. Shortly after Reagan joined their circle of friends Dom began to see Reagan as more than just one of the guys. She was a woman; an intelligent, good natured, sensitive, stubborn, fiery tempered and self conscious woman. And he loved her. But she was not his to love, that honor belonged to Jamis. And so he suppressed his feelings and tried to forget about the face that visited him nightly in dreams. Now that Jamis was gone Dom wanted nothing more than to take all the pain away, to shelter her from life’s cruelty and allow Reagan to transform into the beautiful lighthearted woman she once was.
Shaking her head, Reagan found her voice in between her tears, “No. No Dom. It should have never happened.”
He roared, “Don’t give me that ‘it should have never happened’ bullshit Reagan. You know as well as I do that it happened for a reason. It was meant to happen. And whether you believe it or not, it was bound to happen sooner than later.”
“I…I was just lonely” she muttered. Reagan wasn’t sure why she said that, without thinking she blurted out the first thing that came to mind. She wanted to hurt him, hurt him so he would drop this ridiculous notion. “And you…well, I was suppose I just another conquest for the great womanizer Dom Monaghan.”
“You don’t mean that” he said straining to keep his voice under control. A little softer, Dom continued, “Reagan, think what you want to think, but it was never about sex. With you, it has never been that way.” Gently reaching out for her again, his hands enveloped her face, his thumb wiping away a lone tear, “With you, it has always been different. I cared for you long before you and Jamis got married. It has always been there. I was just to slow to realize it. ‘Reagan, I lo...”
Interrupting him before he had the chance to finish, before he had the chance to say the words she didn’t want to hear. Words that she couldn’t hear. “No Dom” she choked out. “Please don’t say it. You don’t mean it.”
Defeated, his hands slipped from her face, his eyes falling into his own lap, “No Reagan. That is where you are wrong.” Gathering up all his courage, it was now or never he had decided, voice wavering ever so slightly, “I love you Reagan.”
Reagan gasped at the words.
“I always have loved you. And I always will love you.”
“Oh Dom,” she stammered. She was crying again. Tears rolling down her beautiful face. Did she dare tell him? Did she dare bare her soul? Long ago, she had admitted to herself, that the one glorious night with Dom hadn’t been a mistake. In fact, it had been the best thing that had happened to her since the accident. But she didn’t dare tell him that. She couldn’t bear to admit that she wanted to be held and wanted to let him soothe all her demons. She had Jamis to think about it. She couldn’t possibly admit that she had fallen for her husband’s best friend. Not when she was still Mrs. Jamis Halloway. She made a vow to Jamis, till death do us part, and she planned on honoring that sacred vow. Even if it meant denying herself happiness. Denying herself the one man that could make her forget the dismal past, the one man she had grown to love, despite the unusual circumstances.
She looked into his eyes, his pleading eyes and said what she should have said ages ago, what she should have said so that he could move on, so that he could be happy, happy without her. Her small hand fluttered up to his face, delicately and lovingly caressed it and said, “Dom...it can’t happen. You and I both know that. The time…well, the timing is all off.” Leaning forward, Reagan’s lips meet his for a second, and in that second all the love that she felt, all the emotion that she had suppressed for years burst forward like the flame when a match is lit. Pulling back, tears streaming from her eyes she said in a weak voice, “If you love me at all, if you love me like you say you do, then don’t.”
Looking at the bewildered expression on his face she slowly rises from the couch, “Good-bye Dom” and strolls to her bedroom where silent sobs tear through her body.
Damn.
You're such a humor queen that I tend to forget you can write flawless, heartwrenching drama! I shouldn't have read this kind of shortie today, oh, no, I shouldn't have.
But I did!
It's a tricky topic the one you have here. Things are always easy on paper, right? But in real life they aren't. And it's so hard to tell when it's yhe moment to let go.... and how we'd hurt ourselves doing it, how we'd hurt OT doing it... and sometimes, in this list of pros and cons, we forget there are other people in our lives.
Perfect story, killer end!! :bow:
Ps. I missed your writing. :blush: