My Confession

A :love: shorty by Pippinslova aka Petra van der Ploeg


disclaimer: nothing of this short story may be copied or taken without written authorization of its author.



As he remembered that day, just a few months ago, he felt his eyes begin to water. How could one's life be so rich and full one day and then it be taken away so suddenly the next?
He closed his eyes, envisioning that day.


It had been a sunny, early spring day. He had just decided to take a walk around town when he stopped near a stand of magazines on the market place.
There she was again. What was it about her, that made him look over and over? Was it her long blonde hair, or maybe her full lips which somehow magically brightened his day everytime he saw her smile. Or maybe it were her eyes, that seemed to pierce right through him, opening his inner soul and exposes everything that he is in a matter of seconds.


But.. She was just a girl he knew. Not even really knew. He had only talked a few times with her, since they lived in the same appartment building. One tends to run into eachother in the elevator or on their way to the mailbox. Their talks had been random and mostly about stuff that didn't make any sense. Though, he found their last conversations to be a lot more interesting.


She had shown a depth in her soul, in her spirit, that he hadn't seen before. Well, no that was a lie. He had seen it shine through her eyes, he just hadn't believed half of it.
He didn't know why. It wasn't as though he could tell from her looks or from her way of speaking.
It was just that... maybe he just hadn't given her a chance.


She stood next to a flowerstand, talking to the owner. She smiled at him, simply iluminating everything around her.
And then she bend over to one of the bundles of flowers and smelled a lily. He would remember that moment forever, he just knew that instantly.
The lily was pink and white, fully open and bright. A soft smile hit her face as she closed her eyes and took in the scent. It was obvious that she enjoyed the smell because just a moment later, but what felt like an eternity for him, she bought a dozen of the same lilies.


As she walked away from the flowerstand, she glanced over her shoulder and for a moment he thought she saw him, hidden behind another stand with magazines.
If she had noticed him, she didn't show it and continued walking.
He wanted to drop everything right then and there and follow her whereever she was going. But she had been gone before he realized she had been walking out of his sight.


As he opened his eyes and pushed the memory to the back of his brain, he glanced over to her.
She lay there, so silently, so peacefully.
Slowly he saw her chest rise and fall. Her eyes were closed and she looked as though she was in a deep sleep. Though he knew that wasn't far from the truth, it wasn't a sleep he liked to see her in.


He had seen her sleep before, just as he passed her window when he went to work on Mondays. That was the one day he would be up long before she would.
She had kept her curtains open for a couple of times, maybe being too tired the night before to bother closing them.
And those moments he treasured right now. He could envision her sleeping, her face flushed as though she was having a beautiful dream with romance and excitement. And as he opened his eyes once again and looked at her, he could envision that same blush on her pale cheeks.
It just hit him out of nowhere. She was just beautiful.


How come he hadn't seen that before? Well maybe he had seen it, but he certainly had never realized it. She was beautiful. Gorgeous even. She wás gorgeous.
He felt his heart start to race. Why did he feel this way all of a sudden? He shook his head and bit his lip. It didn't matter. It wasn't as though it would chance anything right now.


With a pressing pain in his heart, he remembered the day that changed everything for her. It was the first time he had heard about her illness. He had never seen it in her, nor had she told him about it.
Her illness was slowly killing her, but she never mentioned one word, nor spoke through her eyes of it. It was as though she had accepted her illness and what it would eventually take from her.
The last few days everything seemed to be going in the fast line. Within hours of being hospitalized, she fell into a coma. Her heart was slowly giving up the fight.
Her doctor had said that there wasn't much time left for her. Soon her body would give up the fight completely.


Just remembering those words made his heart ache even more. Why was this happening to her? She was such a beautiful, loving person. He just couldn't even begin to imagine how his life would change without her in it.
How his Monday mornings would miss the sparkle from glancing through her window, just for a second to see her sleeping form. The calm she gave away, just by lying there, sleeping, dreaming.
How his Saturday runs would chance when she wouldn't be there at the mailbox greeting him, with a cup of coffee in one hand and the newspaper which she had just taken out of the mailbox in the other.
But most of all, he would miss her.


And suddenly it hit him, harder than he could imagine. He would miss her, because... he loved her. He loved her with every fibre in his body. He loved everything about her.
As that realization hit him, he looked up at her and slowly walked over to her.


Her breathing was very slowly and irregular. A lump was forming in his throat as he felt the regret of not knowing or wanting to know this feeling sooner. He wanted to tell her, he needed to tell her. She needed to hear it from his lips.


"I have been blind, unwilling
To see the true love you're giving.
I have ignored every blessing
I'm on my knees confessing."


He sat down next to her on her bed, and took her hands in his. Her hands felt soft and fitted perfect in his hands. He took a deep breathe and thought about what he felt and how he needed to put it into words, so that she could hear him. Nothing was more important at that moment than her.


"That I feel myself surrender each time I see your face
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart expanding,
Falling into place
I can't hide, now hear my confession"


The machine which monitored her heartbeat suddenly beat a bit faster. He looked over to it and saw that her heartbeat was strengthening. She took a deep breath, but still her eyes remained closed and her body remained in a sleeping form.
He swallowed.


"I have been wrong about you.
I thought I was strong without you.
For so long, nothing could move me.
For so long, nothing could change me."


As he realized his true feelings for her, how deep they were, he felt his eyes start to water. He didn't want to loose her, he didn't want to see her go, nor be without her for even a second more.


"Now I feel myself surrender each time I see your face.
I am captured by your beauty,
you unassuming grace.
I feel my heart is turning, falling into place.
I can't hide, now hear my confession."


Her breathing was now stronger, more stronger than before and her heartbeat was steady and at a normal pace. He felt his own heart begin to race. He knew he didn't want to stop to tell her how he felt. She needed to know. She needed to hear.


"You are the air that I breathe.
You're the ground beneath my feet.
When did I stop believing?"


He couldn't stop himself from lifting her upperbody and pressing it against his chest. He needed to feel her against him. He needed to have her as close as he could get her. She was so perfect for him. So beautiful, so intelligent, so lovingly. And as he pressed her against him, he felt her taking a deep breath. A soft moan left her lips.


"Cause I feel myself surrender each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is falling into place.
I can't hide, now hear my confession.
I can't hide, now hear my...confession."


He touched her face, and stroke her hair. He didn't want to let her go, he couldn't. Tears were now freely streaming over his face as he knew that this was the first and last time he was ever going to be able to tell her.


"Hear my confession!" he whispered.


He closed his eyes and held her close to him. And just for a moment everything was alright, everything was okay. And then...


"Josh... I hear you."


It was just a soft whisper, barely audible, but he heard her. She had spoken those three words so tenderly, as though he had fallen asleep and dreamt that she was talking to him.
He looked down at her, with both fear and hope in his eyes and as he took his distance, she looked up at him. Her blue eyes shone so full of life and her lips were spread into a smile.


"I thought you'd never tell me how you felt," she whispered, her voice hoarse from the lack of fluids she had endured during the days of being in a coma.
His eyes lit up and he did the only thing he could think of. He closed the space between them and kissed her softly.


"I love you, January, I love you so much."


She answered his kiss, so tenderly, that he felt as though his heart was about to beat out of his chest from excitement. He had heard the stories about true love. About the first kiss of a true love. The instant realization that this is the one.
And she was the one. There was no doubt in his mind.


They kissed for what seemed to be an eternity, but in reality wasn't more than just a minute or two. And then he felt her body weaken. He held her even closer to him, not ready to let her go just yet.


"January..." he whispered against her lips.


She moaned softly and slowly she fell back on her bed, her head on the pillow.
Just one more time she opened her eyes and looked up into his.


"I love you too, Josh..." she said with a faint smile, "and I'll be waiting for you... in heaven.."


He hadn't noticed, but her heartbeat was getting slower and slower, and her breathing was now shallow as she spoke those last words.
He grabbed her hand and pressed his lips against the back of it.


"Please... don't go..."


But.. it was too late. The machine sounded an awful, chilling beep and as he
looked at her, her face pale and her eyes closed, he knew she had left him. She had gone to a better place. A place where she could live without her illness. A place where she would be free of all the pain of her illness.


He placed his head against her chest, breathing her scent just one more time.
And he knew right then and there, that he would one day join her. And until then... she would be the only thing on her mind and possessing the larger part of his heart. No one would be able to fill as much of his heart as she had. No one could take that place.




THE END





So.. what do you guys think? xxx Petra

Aw, now this was a heartbreaking little shorty. It was very beautifully written...I really enjoyed the way their 'relationship' was described in the beginning. How he never spoke his true feelings or revealed himself to her but still noticed every little detail about her and her life. I'm glad she was able to hear his confession in the end. Wonderful job!

:huh: ... :cry: ...I am seriously trying so hard not to cry over here. I am a huge Josh Groban fan and I love that song. It seriously was such a sad, yet intense story. I loved it. I really love Josh more than ever now lol....


Loved it!! Great job!!


Katie