I thought I might get into the holiday spirit with this twisted X-mas short!
-Cleo a.k.a Elijah's Sex Kitten

Topic: Christmas Comedy

Main Character(s): Elijah Wood, and Jade Ba'adir

Number of Word: 2,551

Disclaimer: BEWARE! Adult Content

Rated-R: Profuse cursing, and sexual references.

Main Squeeze: Elijah Wood

Merry X-mas Baby!

"Seriously Lij, mall Santa's are all fucking hacks." Jade decided tossing her golden blonde hair over a narrow shoulder. "They just mooch off of everyone else's gift ideas so they can get good head for Christmas, it's all a big conspiracy." Elijah chuckled shifting a weighty shopping bag to his right hand.

"Oh nice Jade, a little holiday blasphemy." He commented following her down the luxurious but slightly soiled carpeted floor until the two of them reached the escalator.

"By the way," Jade began slowly, her eyes skimming a group of guys coming up the opposite side. "In case anyone in particular was wondering, 'Saks' just got this sick new winter coat, double breasted, fur 'round the collar-you follow?" Elijah nodded knowingly. "I mean I was just thinking that it would be a great new installment in a certain person's wardrobe." She hinted motioning towards herself innocently.

"And return the puke green sweater croqueted from 100% recycled fibers I got you instead?" Elijah questioned playfully. "And then you wouldn't be able to wear it with vintage 40's skirt and matching bloomers."

"You're trippin' Wood," Jade warned pointing a foreboding finger in his direction. "Forreal." She added seriously, as they continued on to Abercrombie and Fitch. "Okay," Jade sighed breathlessly. "Whip out the list for me homeboy." She popped the collar of her jean jacket standing off to the side of the railing on the second story.

"So far you've covered, Keiko, Justin, and Adri." Jade smiled pleasingly.

"It helps being adopted." She spoke dusting off her stonewashed hip-huggers.

"And don't forget the part about not hearing from your adoptive mother in like seven years. Less family, less shopping, which is more than I can say for me." Jade patted his shoulder attempting to be sympathetic. "Its expensive being loved."

"And being ignored leaves a lot of time for indulging in your most beloved pastimes, in my case that would be me." Jade grinned twisting a curl around in finger while staring at her reflection in a display window, Elijah sighed rolling his eyes. "Admit it Lij, I'm hot! If I weren't your best friend and more to you like Hannah than Heather Locklear you'd totally date me."

"Not today." Elijah retorted sarcastically skimming his own list of Christmas shop-ees. "Damn, I still got Mom, Zach, Rachel, Uncle Koz, Terry, Pat, Micheal-this fucking list goes on forever!"

"Then we'd better not stop now." Jade took his hand and dragged him on.

The mall trip was weary Jade complained of her feet hurting, and when Elijah refused to rub them for her she smacked him in the back of the head, which of course left Elijah swearing she gave him brain damage, to which Jade replied he had substantial damage to begin with. "Shit, those fucking teenagers completely threw us off." Jade complained limping along the food court where the two had decided to detour after a run in with a few avid LOTR's fans. "We loved the Two Towers Elijah," Jade whined in a Hilary Duff voice.

"Shut up Jade!" Elijah warned pushing her shoulder playfully.

"Oh Elijah your so sexy will you autograph one of my tits?" Elijah's face turned crimson red. "I'm just playin' Lij." Jade added after her completely over exaggerated laughing fit which caught a few stares as they continued they're quest for presents. "Fuck, my feet are killin' me!"

"I wonder why?" Elijah asked sarcastically watching Jade undo the straps of her plats. "Jade you are not walking the mall barefoot! That is unbelievably ghetto!" Jade grinned shoving her pink and crème sandals into one of her shopping bags.

"You know I'm going to do it anyway." She yawned tying her hair into a messy bun. "Unless…" She trailed inching behind him.

"What?" Elijah asked looking back at her lurking form suspiciously, Jade sprang forward and hopped unto his back. "Ow, shit your heavy!" Elijah complained making a face that would never be attractive on another person but somehow he made it work.

"What's 105 lbs. more on your back?" She shrugged. "Merge to the right 'Seabiscuit' and lean in a little to the side so I can scope out those dude's asses." Elijah tilted forward, bending his knees before springing off as fast as he could. "Lij, stop!" Jade yelled as he weaved in and out of the couples littering the floors of the mall. "We're gonna crash!" She yelled. Elijah sprinted a little further until they reached a huge display with Santa inviting kids to his lap in the center. "I wanna take a pic with Santa." She announced sliding off of Elijah's back.

"Oh come on Jade!" Elijah groaned running a hand down his face. "I thought you were against Santa's? What about the head? And the conspiracy?" Elijah sputtered but Jade had already gotten in line.

"Ho, Ho, Ho!" The mall Santa chuckled holding his astoundingly flat stomach.

"Couldn't have said it better myself." Elijah murmured under his breath watching Jade sit atop his lap, she crossed her legs and turned her head to the side whispering something in Santa's ear while staring at Elijah her bright green eyes smoky with a conniving secret.

"Aww, a shy one eh?" Santa motioned for Elijah who looked around as though he had to be talking to someone else. "Come and sit in Santa's lap sonny, we'll have a threesome!" Jade tossed her head back in a deep laugh as Elijah timidly approached the chair.

"That's a bit suggestive Santa." Elijah commented eying the synthetically bearded man cautiously.

"I try to keep it kosher for the kids, but I see no kids here." He said with a shrewd grin. "Just a lovely lady, and a positively scrumptious man !" A wet tongue swept across his bottom lip as he stared back at Elijah.

"I think I'll just sit out this one-" Elijah nodded nervously turning away.

"Oh no honey the only sitting you'll be doing is in my lap." Replied a ridiculously flamboyant Santa who pulled Elijah's reluctant form between his open legs. And of course as all of this is going on Jade is making no attempt at all to suppress her laughter. "Say sex!" Santa exclaimed with a lisp and all replied except for Elijah, but that was to be expected.

Later…

"Fuck, Jade do we have to listen to this shit?" Elijah complained placing an ornament on the Douglas Fur Christmas tree centered just before the bay window in the living room.

" Yes !" She emphasized from the kitchen. "I'm going to force some soul into your white ass if I have to die doing it."

"Well, you may have your wish." Elijah answered trying his best to block out Christina Aguilera's wailing to 'Merry Christmas Baby' coming from the stereo in the other room. Elijah continued to decorate as Jade fixed a potent mixture of baked lasagna, marinara sauce and cappellini into what she called 'Fried Spaghetti'. As he placed another porcelain bulb unto a branch, he noticed a magazine sitting atop the mahogany coffee table. "No way…" He commented reading a section beside a headline reading 'Missy Elliot to have Michael Jackson's Siamese twin.' "Jade, why didn't you tell me you where in the 'Enquirer?'" Elijah called into the kitchen, moving his bare feet from the step stool unto the plush carpet.

"Would you be proud of being labeled the 'LOTR's Affiliate'?" She asked standing in the archway of the kitchen and staring into the living room with a marinara soiled spatula in hand.

"Well, you are fucking half the cast-with the exception of me of course-what would rather be called?" Elijah joked smiling innocently which was apparently not the response that Jade had hoped to get.

"Hey, shut up bitch or I'll tell your buddies how you're secretly 'Santa's Little Helper'." Jade quoted with her fingers, sporting a sly smirk on her bronzed complexioned face. Elijah's lips formed a straight line as blood rushed to his cheeks.

"The fact the mall Santa was a fag had nothing to do with me!" Elijah defended raising his hands in protest Jade nodded slowly.

"Sure Lij, whatever helps you sleep better at night." Elijah furrowed his brow beginning to over think what was originally a joke and mere coincidence. "Aiight, I've made you dinner knowing that you can't even work a toaster, and I even cleaned up after myself." Jade announced stripping her oven mitts off and tossing them on the granite countertop after Elijah finished the Christmas décor and joined her in the kitchen. "There's brownies in the oven, and garlic bread on the stove-and unfortunately I've gotta go." She concluded pecking his cheek and shuffling into the other room to exit out the front.

"Jade-wait!" Elijah grabbed her arm just as she was putting on her coat and heading for the door. "What if that mall Santa comes back tomorrow while I'm asleep? I mean it'll be Christmas Eve time for him to make his rounds?" Jade grinned slowly removing Elijah's hand from her dainty arm and holding both of his palms with hers.

"Babe, you can't be serious," She giggled. "1st of all there is no such thing as Santa. He was just our parents way of getting us shitty presents without having to deal with the bitching and moaning afterwards." Jade clarified putting her hand on the doorknob. "And 2nd everyone knows mall Santa's are decoy's and the real Santa is chillin' up at the North Pole." She grinned before opening the door and disappearing behind it in that terribly intriguing manner Elijah had known no other to contrive but…Jade.

Christmas Eve…

Night had descended assuming its malicious dominion over all-or at least Elijah who for some odd reason was having trouble sleeping. Yes, once again Jade had gotten to him, and maybe the homosexual Santa Clause had something to do with it-nevertheless Elijah found himself wandering into the kitchen in hopes that a glass of milk would lull him back to sleep. So he poured a glass and took a sip only to find the milk was sour and coated with a lathered film. "What the?" He mumbled after spitting the contents once belonging to his mouth into the sink.

Tired, disgusted, and a bit hungry he rinsed out his mouth before continuing to the living room where upon the coffee table laid a plate of fresh baked cookies. "Jade, baked brownies…" Elijah explained perplexedly. "Not cookies." His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to rectify their origin. Elijah shook his head realizing he was thinking way too hard at such an hour and shrugging picked up a cookie and tossed it into his mouth. Just as he turned away from the coffee table suspiciously sitting just in front of the fireplace something from up on the roof crashed.

Startled, he swallowed the cookie whole and began coughing and gagging in an attempt to swallow or throw up what was logged in his throat. A familiar 'Ho, ho, ho' sounded and Elijah having successfully swallowed the baked good was petrified with fear. "Damnit Jade this isn't funny!" He called into the fireplace looking very much like a small child attempting to stand up to his fears when the idea of whatever tormented him was completely evident. "You're fucking with a man's pride now!" Still nothing but his own voice resounded from within and so he settled on his own suppressed fears provoking this odd affair and went back to bed.

Elijah laid his head upon his pillow inhaling his own scent in the launder, and finally he felt at peace. That is until a lispy voice proclaimed; "Merry Christmas, baby!" And sent him tumbling over the side of the bed.

"What are you doing in my house?" Elijah questioned clutching his 'Nautica' comforter about him just a few feet away from the intruder. "And I know what this is, Jade set this up-your performance isn't even remotely frightening." To this the Santa Clause replied.

"You are a horrible liar honey, I can see you shaking from over here." Elijah inched further away from the Santa until his T-shirt clad back was pressed against the classic 'New York' styled apartment brick wall. "Just relax, okay? There's no need for your anxiety, Santa's gonna take good care of you." Said the Clause with a smirk Elijah sat and stared, and for moment it seemed as though the words of Santa had somehow appeased him until he leapt up and slipping on the rug in front of the door scrambled into the other room with Santa right behind. "My, my, my aren't we a little homophobic?"

"I'm perfectly fine with those…th-those people okay? Just as long as their not hitting on me-and especially not dressed as ridiculous childhood relic, and masquerading as a cheery mall Santa who secretly pursues unsuspecting men!" The Santa tossed his head back in a deep belly laugh. "What, this is amusing to you? I hope you know that you're doing some serious psychological damage! And I might never be the same after tonight!" Elijah yelled, as he lay helpless and cornered in the bathroom.

"I could have told you that," Said Santa with a shrewd grin masked by an insidious smile that would chill even the bravest of men. He loomed over Elijah like a Goliath to a David unbuckling his belt buckle and…

"NO!!!!" Elijah screamed landing with a thud unto the hardwood floor of his bedroom. "You won't get away with this motherfucker! We will burry youuuu!" He hollered kicking and screaming on the floor. "I swear I'll-Santa?" Elijah ceased his cursing and stood up looking around the room. "Jade?" He called sauntering the hallway. "Lucy? Hehe," He chuckled at his own frivolous humor. "Ah fuck, no more 'Screw Drivers' before bed…" He muttered walking back to his room.

The Next Day…

"So you're not spending Christmas with 'moms'?" Jade asked over her cell phone as she flicked off the busty brunette in the red Honda who had previously cut her off. "What's really good?"

"I gotta be in New York the next day and they didn't have any more flights going out this evening so, I told everyone I'd see them next year-Its not such a big deal. Their presents from me are already there." Elijah added strolling into the living room where an empty plate of cookies sat upon the coffee table. Wider did his eyes grow and he dropped the phone letting the line go dead as the terror of his nightmare stuck him once again. Elijah did a double take just in case he was imaging things and hadn't seen the plate at all but this time he noticed a note.

Hey there, Mr. Wood I had quite a time last night and thanks for the cookies they hit the spot. But next time how bout' a call afterwards? I was beginning to think you didn't like me very much.
BTW, Merry Christmas Baby!
Luv, Santa.

The next few minutes were shaken with Elijah shrilled screaming that pierced even the most silent of hollows worldwide, and to this day Elijah is terrified of Santa Clause's.

The End

Haha actually I read this on EWFN but I don't think I replied to this ;)2 I need to say that I laughed my ass off at this fic; it reminds me vaguely of Losers... That reminds me, are you posting it here? :cry:




p/s: I'm moving this to the short stories thread :D

Of course I'm posting !loser! how could I not? I have so much fun writing it and double fun when I read its responses! Oh and my bad for postin' in the wrong thread! Oops! Glad ur herre to keep me in line!
-Cleo a.k.a Elijah's Sex Kitten

MWUAHAHAHAHAH what a scary x-mas!

Good job Cleo!
You really got me hooked there!
thought I must say I honestly thought it was Jade!

brrrrrr it must be scary waking up like that!

Hey! Thankz for readin! I'm glad u found it entertaining! Oh and congrats tot he winner of the December shortie contest!
-Cleo a.k.a Elijah's Sex Kitten