The origins of this story are long and ancient.
It is for Spudkin, about Spudkin, being stalked in Cannes on a boat by a certain naked Scotsman...
The names come from a thriller movie with Nicole Kidman involving a stalker on teh great barrier reef "dead Calm"
It is a sextuplgy because that words sounds like a tantric sex position of some kind.

It is like NC17+ or something due to naked, and stalking.

1) A Wee Dead Calm
2) A Wee Dead Calm In My Sporran
3) A Wee Dead Calm In My Lassie's Sporran
4) My Lassie Has A Dinkiedido In Her Wee Sporran
5) A Wee Dead Calm In My Lassie's Sporran V: The Haggissing
6) A Wee Dead Calm In My Lassie's Sporran VI: I know what you Haggissed Last Summer

AHAHAHA omg, I just posted our conversation on my LJ.

I cannot expres how intensely I am waiting for this. oooh and.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUUUUUUUUUUUUBBBLEEEESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:heartbeat: Pat

THis is very very silly and badly written so please excuse the besmirchment of fiction, and of Spudkin and of Gerry..

A Wee Dead Calm


Prologue

As a lone figure stabs out the eyes of a Hugh Dancy doll, the quay slips from view, dissolving effervescent in the last dry-brush streaks of sunset caught in the horizons of water and sky.
"There." She says, twiddling her moustache, “That's the last of everything to do with that lustful, lustful stalker. And these zany disguises are just what we need to fit in here in Cannes, Patri- I mean Eujefski Falsetto.... because that is your name.... whatever I just said.”
The Grecian goddess rolls her eyes, “I think they were just being over protective, Hann-”
“Upbupbup!”
“Fiiiine. I don't think 'Evil-evil-death-death-death-spawn-of-Satan-and-Nikki-Webster-who-must-not-be-named-on-pain-of-spanking' really did anything that bad. I mean he only asked for the key to my chastity belt... which he... required... because.. he knew how much it itches! And... he was... worried I would get... haemorrhoids... from the cold cold impenetrable diamond during the nippier Winter months.”
“Haemorrhoids or not, young lady, I made a promise to your father... And saying some horny crooner in a mask is your father won't work this time, so put that thought out of your innocent chaste mind as well!”
Patricia pouts in a downcast manner and stares out to the ocean. It had been ever so long since the vivacious vixen had last gained a glimpse of a real man who hadn't been consequencially been castrated consecutively by her vehement vegetarian varlettess. Were her captor more venal and vanquishable, the vexed Patricia couuld verily be free of her velitation, her venifact-like valorous suitors could cast aside their viands and vexillology (interesting though it may be), and vindicate their veracious venery, verbalising a verbose vinaceous velutinous verbiage of vows and vie for her love.
Her mind voiced this with a very verdant verisimilitude verbatim, until-
“OH NO! THERE'S A SHIPWRECKED MAN DROWNING IN THE WATER!”
“Upbupbup!”
“Fiiiine. OH NO! THERE'S A SHIPWRECKED 'SOURCE-OF-ALL-CALAMITY-AND-UNSIGHTLINESS,-SCOURGE-OF-ALL-LIFE-AND-INTELLECT' DROWNING IN THE WATER!!!”
Hannah looked, “What? The toddler frolicking in the rubber ducky swim ring?”
“NO!! Next to the toddler frolicking in the rubber ducky swim ring! There's a man wearing nothing but that weird thing Scottish people wear over their kilts...”
Hannah tilts her head.
“He was just there!”
“Patri- damn! Eujefski Falsetto, have you been looking at “Hunky and Haggis Loving Monthly” again?”
“No.... not exactly...well, yes but that's not the poi-”
“THAT'S IT LITTLE MISS! I'm going to go and put extra security over that chastity belt key of yours, and top up my pot of Witness Protection faux moustache glue. I'll be right back.”
Oh, if only this were all a horror/thriller parody of some kind, so that stalwart securer of sexuality would be slaughtered for saying “I'll be right back”, but that would be far too clichéd and Wes Craven would hunt me down and use my corpse as a stunt double, so the unfortunate Patrica waits... lonely and unaware of the peril awaiting her...
“Peril?”
Ahem, you're not supposed to know that, that's authorial comment.
“What peril? There's peril?
Oh uh... Gees... THE TELEPHONE'S RINGING!
She answers it, “Is this about the peril?”
“Ach ye wee lassie, noo... umm..” The caller clears his sexy male throat, “Uhh...so sorry, I have a cold.. I am calling from..... Cannes Witness Protection, Patricia...”
“Hey are you from Scotland?”
“Noo. I mean, no. Uh. Like I said, I have a cold.”
“A cold that... makes you sound Scottish..?”
“Yes. You mean ye haven hearrrd of it? Tis bigger than SARS. It's all over the news, little bairns unable to say a proppar thing like everywhere, t'would break your mighty highland heart.”
“Hhhhyyyyyup. I'll bet... Hey your voice sounds kind of familiar-”
“Nope, never been in any movies.”
“I never said you did.”
“Sure you did.”
“When?'
“It was... before.. in the past... and here.. at Cannes Witness Protection... we're here to help you... move on... from... the past...” his voice breaks, “Ahehe. Aha. Ha... Gotta go.” The engaged tone punctuates his nervous oratory.
“What a strange young man... I wonder if he's single...” thinks Patrica...
TO HER DOOOOOOOM.
“Doom?”

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HA I bloody loved that! LOVED IT SOOO MUCH! I loved the little V for Vendetta thing you put in there!

That was absoultely genius!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *dies laughing* so amusing! OMG.

Good going at being mysterious Gerry ahahahaha.
MORE!

:heartbeat: Pat

*is dead from laughter but appears in ghostlike form to reply to this* This is so very funny, Hannah! So very you and so very Spuddy and it's freaking brilliant. You also do Gerry amazingly, he thinks he's so sneaky, lol, he's actually not a very good stalker, which makes it all the funnier. I can't wait to see this story continue, I'm sure much hilarity will ensue. :D