Title:Beautiful
Author: Me!
Rating: R for content and sexual situations
Pairing: Josh Holloway/OFC
Disclaimer: I don't own Josh Holloway. But I wish I did!
Author's Note: Okay, this deals with a very serious subject matter. I'm not going to say what, though. This story took a different turn than I expected it to.
Alright....here ya go!
~*~
Lilly walked into the overcrowded house feeling very self-conscious. She pulled the hem of her short black skirt down, and then went to fix the neckline of her pale green tank top.
She wasn’t sure what possessed her to dress like this tonight. Normally she would have shown up in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, not caring what anyone else though. But tonight she wanted to look different; beautiful. She could tell she wasn’t playing the part very well. Everywhere around her, nameless faces were drinking, laughing, and having a good time in general. The one person she knew, though, was nowhere to be found. She sighed, leaning against a wall. She didn’t even know why she was here. Well, that was a lie. The only reason she was here was because Josh had begged her to come, and she wasn’t able to say ‘No’ to him. But now, upon entering, he was nowhere to be found. She tried searching for him in the sea of people one more time, and when she couldn’t find him she decided to stay right where she was, where no one would notice her.
Little did she know that Josh had seen her walk in. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He had never seen her dress so sexy before, and he had to force himself to make conversation until he could steal away and get to her. He watched as she kept her back pressed tightly against the wall and looked down at her feet, letting her hair fall in front of her face. He could tell she was uncomfortable. She never was one to come to parties or anything very social like this. Even after knowing her for 4 years and
knowing every aspect of her life, she kept that part hidden and guarded. Once there was a lull in the conversation, he excused himself and walked purposefully toward Lilly. Before he was able to make it over to her, Janine stepped in front of him.
“Hey stranger” she said, her southern accent matching his perfectly. His eyes widened at the sight of his ex-girlfriend standing in front of him.
“Janine?” What are you doing here?” he asked the shock evident in his voice.
“I heard Brian was throwing another one of his famous parties, so I thought I’d stop by and say hi to everyone.” she said with a smile. He smiled warily at her, wondering what she was up to. Janine was a gorgeous woman, but her personality never really suited him. She liked gossip and preferred that to the truth. Looking back on it, he wasn’t really sure why he went out with her in the first place. Now it seems that she had done a complete 180. She never acted so shy and sweet before, what made her start now?
“Well, that’s nice” he started.
“What have you been up to since I last saw you?” she asked, engaging him in conversation. He looked longingly over at the girl standing against the wall, eyes downcast, trying to blend in with her surroundings as Janine spoke to him.
Lilly let her eyes roam the area once more, vowing that if she didn’t see Josh this time, she was just going to leave. She had shown up like he asked her too, it was his own fault he didn’t see her. Blue orbs scanned the area and her eyes spotted a tall head of longish dirty blonde hair. She smiled in recognition, but when she looked at who he was talking to, she frowned again. She thought that Josh hated Janine. At least, that’s what he told her after the two broke up. But now, now he was standing close to her, with her hand on his arm smiling. She held back the tears that sprang forth, silently willing them to stay in place, at least until she got outside; in the safety of loneliness. She pushed her body off the wall and walked quickly out the door and headed in the direction of her apartment.
Josh sighed as Janine told another story about her escapades in the Bahamas. He truly didn’t care, but he didn’t have any reason to suddenly break off conversation. She was actually being nice for once. Finally she stopped talking and he found his escape.
“Listen Janine, I really have to find someone” he said vaguely. Janine looked at him with an amused expression, a glint in her eye.
“You mean Lilly?” she asked, trying to hold back her laughter. Josh’s eyes widened as he realized what was going on. She hadn’t changed one bit. She was doing this to get to Lilly. He always remembered Janine having an unfounded hatred for Lilly, and he was never sure why exactly. Lilly had never been anything but nice to her, and he realized that Lilly never should have had to act that way. Janine broke into full out laughter. “Lilly left as soon as she saw you talking to me.” Josh glared at Janine, unable to even form words at the moment. He just shook his head and walked away, trying to figure out where Lilly might have gone.
Lilly quickly let herself into her apartment, locking the door behind her. She fled into the confines of her room where she let the tears fall quickly and silently from her eyes. She should have known this was going to happen. She somehow knew that tonight her heart would be broken again. You would think that after being in love with Josh for 4 years, she’d have gotten used to this feeling, but the pain never seemed to go away. Yes, she had thought about telling him her feelings, but she knew she could never risk losing his friendship. If she couldn’t have his love, at least she would have his friendship. She sat on the edge of her bed and hugged a pillow tightly to her chest as she cried, not caring if her perfected make-up was ruined. She was only trying to impress him anyway, and now that didn’t matter. Unrequited love really was a bitch.
Josh was met with the cool night air when he stepped outside the overcrowded house. He knew that Lilly lived only a few blocks away and he figured she had probably gone there. He ran to the apartment complex and up the stairs, opting not to wait for the elevators. At the top of the third flight he slowed down, walking calmly to her door, trying to catch his breath. He knocked on her door, but there was no answer, so he pulled out his copy of her key and let himself in. Shutting the door behind him, he listened for any sign of Lilly.
“Lilly? Are you here?” he called softly, so as not to startle her. He received no answer so he moved to the back of the apartment toward her room. As he approached her bedroom door, he could hear the telltale signs of her crying. He walked into her room slowly. “Lilly?” She looked up quickly and sniffed loudly, her hands flying up to her face to wipe her eyes. “Are you okay?” He walked over to her and knelt in front of her, looking at her red, swollen eyes.
“Yeah” she sniffed. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just not feeling all that well. I think I’m going to wash up and go to bed.” She stood up and started to walk toward the bathroom, but Josh grabbed her hand. She stopped but didn’t turn to face him. He sighed and spoke again.
“Lilly, Janine just sneaked up on me. You know how I feel about her. How was I supposed to know she would show up tonight?” His smooth accent washed over her, and she could feel her walls cracking slowly, but she held tight. Maybe if she acted like she didn’t care, she could feel that way.
“Josh, this has nothing to do with Janine. I don’t feel well okay? I just want to go to bed.” She pulled her hand gently from his grasp and once again started toward her door to go across the hall to the bathroom.
“Lilly, come back here. Please.” She sighed and turned to face him, but never moving closer to him, so he walked to her instead. “I never got to tell you how beautiful you look tonight.” His voice was just above a whisper, his compliment making her eyes widen in surprise. But she got herself under control, knowing she couldn’t get her hopes up.
“Yeah. Thanks.” She said emotionlessly. She avoided his gaze, keeping her eyes on the ground while she gained her composure. She looked back up, her eyes completely blank. “Why don’t you go back to the party?” Josh didn’t even try to hide his surprise at her statement. “I’m going to go to bed anyway.”
“Lilly-“he started. But she cut him off by holding up a hand.
“Listen, I’m going to go take a shower. I’ll understand if you want to go back to the party. I don’t care.” With that, she left the room and went across the hall to the bathroom, shutting the door before he could say anything.
Lilly stepped into the steamy shower, trying to forget about what had happened tonight. She knew something like this was going to happen, and she berated herself for not being stronger. Her heart had been broken, but she couldn’t blame Josh, or even Janine. It was her own fault. She washed her hair and face, removing the foreign products that she had used tonight to try and look like the other women there. She let tears fall from her eyes, biting her lip to stop the sobs as she berated herself for her stupidity. She somehow thought she might be able to look as good as every other woman there, but it was obvious she was wrong. She should have known better than to think she could actually pull this off.
She stepped out of the shower, turning the water off. After she dried herself off, she looked for her favorite long fluffy robe, but it was in her room. The only one she could find was her ‘sexy robe’ it was baby pink and satin, and it only went to about mid-thigh. She set about the bathroom, throwing away her newly bought make-up and throwing the skirt and top at the bottom of her hamper, never wanting to see any of it again. She was plain, and always would be, and Josh would never see her as anything but that. She just had to accept it and move on with her life. She combed out her hair and opened the bathroom door, walking into her room.
Josh heard the bathroom door open, and his head shot up. His breath caught in his throat when she walked through the door. Her hair was starting to curl, and her cheeks were still rosy from the heat of the shower. She wore a baby pink robe made of satin, leaving nothing and everything to the imagination. He heard her gasp as she sighted him sitting at the edge of her bed.
Lilly walked into her room anticipating the silence and emptiness she both loathed and craved. When she saw Josh still sitting on her bed she gasped. He was the last thing she expected. She felt the tears well up in her eyes again. Why did he always have to do this? He made it so difficult for her to get over him when he did stuff like staying with her even after she told him not to. She looked away from him and towards her closet, trying to force the tears back behind her eyelids. Now was no time to cry. She could do that after he left. She sniffled a little and turned to face him again, steeling herself against all emotion.
“What are you still doing here?” she asked coolly. He stood up and walked over to her, standing directly in front of her.
“Why would I leave when you’re obviously upset?” he whispered.
“Maybe because I asked you to.” She responded. “All I want to do is fall asleep right now. Go back to the party. Have fun.” He shook his head, anger starting to come to the surface.
“How can I have fun knowing that you’re upset about something? I’d rather stay here.” He brought his hand up to brush a piece of hair away from her face. Her breath caught in her throat and she fought the urge to lean into his touch. “Please Lilly, tell me what’s wrong. You know you can tell me anything.” His voice was nothing but a whisper and she held back a new batch of tears. She knew she couldn’t tell him what was wrong. She had learned her lesson before, and she was not about to risk her heart again.
“I know Josh, but I just don’t feel very well. That’s all. Please, just go have fun, okay?” She gave him a sad smile, her heart breaking more and more as the seconds ticked by.
“I don’t believe you.” He said. Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth to speak, but he held up a hand to stop her, mimicking her earlier movements. “I think there’s something else wrong, and I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to help you out, and I hate that you think you can’t tell me about it. I know something happened tonight, and I want to know what it was so I can fix it.” This time she couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down from her eyes. If only you could help me’ she thought.
“Josh, there are some things that I just can’t talk about, okay. It’s not that I don’t want to tell you,” ‘Yes it is.’ She thought. “I just can’t talk about it.”
He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly against his chest. Lilly slowly brought her arms around him, telling herself that she shouldn’t be doing this. She knew her heart was just going to be broken once again after getting her hopes up like this.
“You are beautiful, did you know that? I wish you could see it.” His voice as soft in her ear and she bit her lip to keep from sobbing. She pulled way from him, taking a step back and wiping her eyes.
“Josh, thank you for trying to make me feel better, but empty words just make it worse.”
“Empty words?! Lilly, I think you would know me better than that!”
“Josh, it doesn’t matter. I’m used to it.”
“You’re used to it?” He took a step forward, bringing himself closer to her. “God Lilly, what happened to you before? Who made you think you aren’t beautiful?” Lilly stood there, shaking with pent up emotion, trying o be strong. She was usually able to hold it in until she was by herself, but Josh was bringing it all to the surface and she was helpless to do anything about it. His large hands came up to cradle her face, gently wiping the stray tears away with his thumbs. “Oh Lilly. Forget everything any of those people have ever said to you. None of it’s true.” He paused. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” Her eyes were shut tightly, and she started to shake her head, but his hands limited the movement. He brought his head down and hesitantly brushed his lips across hers.
She whimpered at the contact, trying to restrain the fear rising in her chest. She was so afraid that he was doing this out of pity. That was the last thing she wanted from him.
“Josh…” His lips brushed hers again, lingering longer before parting from her. “Josh, please don’t…” she whispered. He looked down into her eyes and saw the pain and fear clouding them. He kissed her forehead softly.
“Lilly, this isn’t out of pity or anything like that. I know what I’m doing, and I want to do this. Don’t start doubting yourself with me. I want to take away all of the pain you’ve suffered. I don’t ever want to see you so sad and so full of self-doubt. I love you Lilly. It took me a while to realize it, but I do.” He confessed. He watched as tears fell down her cheeks rapidly and she took in deep breaths.
She had longed to hear those words as long as she’s known him, but now that he had spoken them, old habits kicked in, and she couldn’t help but feel unworthy of this confession.
“Josh, stop. You don’t love me. You can’t. You deserve someone else. Someone better than me. I-“ He cut her off, pressing his mouth to hers.
“Lilly, I never want to hear you say anything like that again. It kills me so much to hear you talk badly about yourself. I love you, there’s nothing else to it. Why can’t you see what a great person you are?”
“After you’re told something so many times, you start to believe it’s
true.” She said cryptically. He lifted her chin so she would look into his eyes.
“Well then, maybe I should start telling you how beautiful you are more often. And how much I love you.” He pressed his mouth against hers once more, caressing her soft lips, taking his time.
Lilly stood there, shocked. The man she had secretly loved for 4 years told Her, he loved her too, telling her she was beautiful and kissing her. She only dreamed that something like this would happen, and even then she never wanted to believe it. In fact, she was afraid to believe it now. She was afraid to move; if she did the dream might end and she didn’t want to deal with real life. A life where Josh looked at her as his little sister; where she was plain and boring. A life where things didn’t work out in her favor. Â Josh could tell she was unsure about everything. Her entire body was still and he broke the kiss once more.
“Come here” he said, holding out his hand. She furrowed her brows and looked at him in confusion. “Trust me. Come here.” She hesitantly took his hand and he closed her bedroom door, revealing a full-length mirror. He stood her in front of it, placing himself directly behind her.
“Josh, what are you doing?” she asked, a little frightened for the answer.
“I’m trying to show you what I see when I look at you.” He whispered in her ear. He brushed her hair away from her neck and placed a small kiss on the side of her throat. “I see a woman who somehow manages to look good just after waking up. Someone who takes compliments so kindly she blushes every time something good is said about her.” He lifted her chin so she was looking at his eyes through the mirror. “You have the kindest eyes in the world. They are the kinds that tell volumes about how you are feeling and what kind of person you are.” She weakly lifted her hands to her face to wipe at the steady stream of tears. His hands traveled down her arms and settled on her hips, his chin resting on her shoulder. Their eyes met in the mirror and he held her gaze. “I can’t think of anyone more perfect than you. You have the greatest soul in the world and an amazingly large heart. You light up every room with your smile and your laugh is contagious. Guys stare at you intently when you walk past, knowing that you’re beautiful, but also knowing that it’s not just a facade. It’s the real thing. And those are just some of the reasons you’re such a great person, Lilly. There’s so much more to you that can’t even be put into words.” His voice cracked as he watched her break into sobs. He turned her around and held her, trying to comfort her as much as he could.
Lilly’s heart felt like it was going to burst. She had never heard anyone say so many positive things about her with such truth. The look in Josh’s eyes told her that he meant every word he had said, and more. She was unable to stop her sobs then, and he held her, his arms protecting her from the world that had been so cruel to her. Once she had calmed her tears and breathing she looked up at him, noticing the unshed tears in his eyes. She leaned up on her toes and kissed him, softly at first. Soon he was taking control, kissing her with more passion that she could have ever imagined. His fingers brushed through her now dry hair, pushing it away from her face. They parted, both trying to catch their breath.
“Let me show you how much I love you.” He whispered against her lips. All she could do at this point was nod and he led her toward her bed. Even if everything they had was ruined after this, she wanted this one moment to feel loved; the have Josh make her feel loved. He kissed her again, slowly gliding his lips over hers, tracing their outline with his tongue. Her mouth parted slowly and his tongue entered the warmth of her mouth, tasting and exploring every corner. His hands gently untied the sash around her waist, letting the satin fall open. He pushed the fabric from her shoulders, making a light swish as it fell to the floor. He pulled away to admire her nude torso, and she could feel herself growing insecure under his gaze. She went to cross her arms over her chest, but he held her wrists at her sides.
“Don’t. Let me see you.” She relaxed a little, closing her eyes. He picked her up in one swift motion and placed her gently on the bed, leaning over her. The rough skin of his hands coasted over her hips, going toward her breasts. She felt her heart beat increase, and when he started caressing the soft flesh, a moan left her mouth. His hands traveled over her body, caressing every inch of skin, his lips following the same path. He wanted to make sure he left no inch of skin unloved.
The light beard on his jaw line and chin tickled her, also arousing her to a certain degree. She closed her eyes, her breath coming in shallow gasps. He kneeled above her, staring at her flushed skin. When she realized that he was not touching her at all, she opened her eyes. He was above her, his green eyes dark, but filled with only love. She realized that he was still fully clothed and she frowned a bit. Reaching her hands toward the bottom of his shirt, she lifted it up, and he helped her get it over his head.
She had seen him without a shirt countless times, but each time, she felt her stomach do a little flip at the sight. He was tan and all muscle. He was incredibly strong, she knew from when he had helped her father build a new porch. He had carried most of the supplies with little difficulty. But now, he touched her so reverently, as if she would break, and it just added to the list of things she loved about him. He lowered himself to her body and kissed her again. She returned the kiss with no hesitation for the first time, dragging her hands from his chest to wrap around his neck.
“Josh…” she started. He silenced her with another kiss and broke away quickly.
“No. This is about you.” Even though she was a virgin with little, if any, experience, Lilly knew exactly what he was going to do, and her heart sped up at the thought. His kisses trailed from her neck down to the juncture between her thighs. The light brush of his lips against the inside of her thighs made her shiver in anticipation. He glanced up at her, her head thrown back on the pillow, chest heaving with her breaths as she waited for him to continue. He wasted no time and brought his mouth to her sex. She cried out his name at the sensations his mouth brought to her body. Before she knew it, flashes of color were exploding behind her eyes as a wave of intense pleasure coursed through her body.
As her body spasmed, Josh crawled back up to her and held her close, kissing her face lightly as her body calmed after her climax. Lilly finally regained her breath and opened her eyes to see Josh staring at her, gently stroking the side of her neck. He smiled and kissed her softly.
She brought her hands up to his chest and looked in his eyes. “Please Josh. I want to feel you…” she said quietly, a small blush coming up on her cheeks.
“Only if you’re sure.” He said. She nodded and he kissed her again.
The night was filled with passion, sweet embraces, and love. Lilly had never felt so happy in her life. Everything had worked in her favor for once. She loved Josh, and Josh loved her back. They fell asleep in a tangle of limbs, pressed tightly against each other.
~*~
Lilly woke up to the bright sun warming her face. She smiled a little and sat up, then frowned when she felt her empty bed. When she looked down at herself, she was still dressed in the clothes from the party. None of it had happened. Everything was just a dream. She shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. But-it all felt so real. How could my own mind be so cruel as to give me something and take it away? she asked herself. She started sobbing, remembering what had actually happened.
Lilly saw Josh and Janine flirting in the middle of the room. When she realized that he didn’t notice she was there she had left, holding back her tears until she reached her apartment. When she got there she sat on the bed, hugging her pillow and sobbing, realizing that she was only hurting herself with her love for him. It was obvious that he didn’t hold the same feelings toward her, and she cried long into the night, realizing what she had to do.
Lilly wiped her eyes hastily, and took a quick shower, changing into her favorite pajamas. While she was in the bathroom she opened the medicine cabinet and looked at her anti-depressants. After a quick stop into the kitchen, she was sitting at the desk in her bedroom, pen in hand. She wrote down everything she ever felt for Josh in a letter addressed to him. She quickly sealed the envelope, writing something else down on another sheet of paper and enclosing that one in another envelope. She went over to her bed and tried to wipe the ever present tears from her face.
~*~
Josh had pounded on Lilly’s door for almost an hour after he ran out of the party to find her, but finally gave up when she didn’t answer. He decided to let her calm down for the night and that he would come back in the morning. When he reached her door, he knocked again, but there was still no answer. Now worrying, he pulled out the spare key that he didn’t have with him the night before, and let himself into her apartment, calling out her name. Once again there was no response. He listened for any sound of movement, but heard none.
He walked quietly into her room and saw her lying on her side, facing away from the door.
“Lilly?” he said quietly, so as not to startle her, but she never once budged. As he moved closer to the bed he saw two things lying next to her: an empty vodka bottle and an orange prescription bottle. His eyes went wide and he shook her shoulders, shouting her name.
“LILLY! God! No, Lilly, please don’t tell me you did this!” he said, trying to feel for a pulse. Her skin was still warm, but he felt no pulse under his fingertips. He quickly dialed 911 and tried performing CPR on her now lifeless body, crying the entire time.
~*~
Josh sat in the first pew of the local church that Lilly grew up in. After the ambulance had arrived, he was pushed out of the way so the paramedics could do their job. After a few minutes, they all shook their heads, declaring her dead. Josh had sat there with tears in his eyes as they took the body, proclaiming it a suicide. It wasn’t until after they left that he noticed the two envelopes sitting on her desk, one for him, and one for her parents. He picked up the one that was addressed to him and felt the tears falling down his face again. But this time he didn’t try to stop them. The letter was written in her regular handwriting, parts of the paper stained with tear drops.
Dear Josh,
By the time you get this, I’ll probably already be gone. I’m sorry I had To do this, but it was the only way to escape. And not just from the cruel people in this world. From myself. There’s something I never told you, and I was always afraid to say.
I love you. I’ve loved you since we met four years ago. You were just so perfect; kind, funny, caring…everything I have ever wanted in a guy. But you never saw me like that. For a while I believed that you would change your mind, but that idea quickly flew out the window. So I resigned myself to hiding these feelings and being your best friend. Don’t get me wrong, I never wanted to lose your friendship. That’s why I never said anything. I realized that even if you didn’t love me, I could still be with you as a friend. I was never willing to give that up.
But it turns out that keeping something like that to myself was just too hard. I was slowly killing myself. I went to a psychiatrist to help get me out of my deep depression, but I never took the pills they gave me. I figured I could live with it; get used to the empty feeling inside. Last night, though, things just got worse than they ever had been. Seeing my best friend flirting with one of the girls who had made my life hell throughout school and beyond killed me. I realized that no matter what I did, I’d never be good enough. Not only for you, but for anyone. So I went home and cried myself to sleep.
While I slept, I had the most vivid dream of you telling me that you loved me, and that I was beautiful to you. When I woke up and realized that none of it ever happened, I felt my heart break, the shards tearing me apart from the inside out.
As I write this, I’m staring at a bottle of vodka and a full bottle of anti-depressants. I’m sorry I have to do this to you, but…it’s the only way I’ll ever be happy, I suppose. I love you Josh, and I’ll be looking out For you, always.
Love,
Lilly
He had the letter memorized now. He had read it so many times this past week that he didn’t even have to look at it anymore. He listened to the priest go through his sermon, replying when it was appropriate, but mainly thinking. He let his tears fall freely, refusing to wipe them away. He thought about his Lilly, and why she had taken her own life. He had never known how she felt about him, and as he looked back on when they first met, he realized how stupid he was not to have realized it She was so subtle about it all.
As they paid their last respects, Josh took note of how beautiful she was. He always believed her beautiful in life, even if she never thought so, but she looked so peaceful in death, adding to that hidden beauty. Later when they lowered her casket, he stayed behind when everyone left, holding the flowers she was named after.
“I’m so sorry Lilly. I never knew how you felt. If I had, who knows…maybe things would have worked out between us. But I can honestly say, that as long as you’re happy where you are, I can be happy for you. I love you Lil. And I’ll miss you so much.” And with that, he threw the flowers on her casket and wiped his eyes. He walked away, vowing never to forget the first woman he had truly loved.