There Is
The first day of school is almost always a nightmare for the teenage population. Especially when your bed is calling to you, the sun is out and you have a perfect view of the ocean from your seat by the classroom window. Yes, these are all reasons for the dread everyone feels. But Paul had another reason to long for his summer vacation days. In fact, the reason had just entered his class and taken a seat in the front row, as far from his back corner seat as possible. He wasn’t a surprised, he knew this had been coming. It was for the best, it really was. Although, he wished his heart would agree with his mind.
This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
Rachel sat in Paul’s lap, his arms wrapped around her protectively, lovingly. They gazed at the sky, both absorbed in their own thoughts and engraving this moment within their hearts; never to be forgotten. The blue corvette they had driven away in was parked on the shoulder of the highway. Soon they would have to go back; but it was a thirteen hour drive and it seemed like they had all the time in the world.
“I love you,” Paul’s whisper was barely audible, but Rachel heard it and felt it resound all through her body.
Never one to take things seriously, Rachel grinned and didn’t say anything. She waited for Paul to ask.
“Do you love me?” He didn’t let her down.
“Hmmm... I’ll have to think about it,” she said teasingly.
“Think about it?” Paul pretended to be hurt, “Think about it!?” He began tickling her mercilessly. Rachel’s laughs rang out, only to be choked by the silent world around them.
“Stop, stop!” she gasped through her laughs.
“Say it!” Paul laughed too, tickling her even more.
“I love you!” she cried, giggling helplessly.
He stopped tickling her, and she collapsed on top of him. His lips caught hers in a passionate kiss...
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we used to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
Rachel was determined not to look at Paul although just knowing he was there, in the back corner staring out the window as he’d always done, caused a deep ache to resound within her. She knew things were over. She knew it was all her fault. It had been her idea after all for them to stop seeing each other. She’d ruined everything with just two words: ‘Summer Fling’
“Once school begins,” she remembers saying, “we can’t go on like this.”
Paul had been staring out her bedroom window, thinking, daydreaming. He turned to look at her, a blank expression on his face.
“No one would ever accept it,” Rachel had continued, not meeting his gaze, “we’d be better off forgetting this ever happened.” Paul still hadn’t said anything and it was driving Rachel crazy, the way he was just looking at her. She was still staring at the rose coloured carpet that covered her floor, but she felt his eyes boring into her. “It’s just a fling after all.” Pause. “Right?”
“Right,” Paul said so soon and fast, that Rachel felt like she’d been punched in the gut, but she couldn’t back out now.
“Good, now come here and kiss me.”
Everything had just disappeared. It felt like they had forever, but time had passed them by and before she knew it, here she was sitting in this accursed wooden desk; it would make her ass numb by the time the second period bell rang.
Please. Please don’t let him be in anymore of my classes, Rachel prayed. She waved as her friends entered the classroom and sat on either side of her.
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you, but you swear you loved me more
Just a fling? Just a fling? How could she have thought it was just a fling when they’d said they loved one another? Were her words empty? She was a princess, surely, daddy’s little girl, but she wasn’t an actress. He was the one in every school play. It should have been him acting, not her. It should have been his words that meant nothing.
The bell rang, signaling the end of class and Paul was forced to leave his window seat and stop fuming about Rachel. He couldn’t decide if he hated or loved her. He was determined to hate her, to forget her and he could do it. It had only been a day, he needed more time, but he would forget her. Eventually.
It served him right, he thought as he pushed his way through the crowded halls to his English Lit. class. He knew what she was, he knew they would never be socially acceptable together. Her, with her pom poms, school dances, yearbook committee and the desire of every straight male in the student body including some outside it. He had other things, he had his drama, his band, the newspaper and photography. Girls were attracted to him for his cute dimpled grin, lit by green eyes and curly sandy-brown hair. He had personality, sure, but everyone knew that in highschool looks came first and personality was a small added bonus.
He spent his time in English Lit. carefully avoiding thinking of Rachel by telling himself he wouldn’t think about her. He refused to admit to himself that by telling himself not to think about her he had thought of her. It was all too confusing. He knew her! How could he not after a whole summer spent together? Why couldn’t he understand what she was thinking now? Why, one week ago, had she told him they didn’t matter?
Pushing open one of the stupid doors that were in the middle of the hallway for no other reason than the architect had gotten fancy, Paul bumped into someone. She was falling and instinctively he reached out to grab her arm and stop her.
Rachel looked up at him, her brown eyes wide. She froze, like a deer caught in headlights. Paul didn’t know what to do, he was fighting the urge to wrap his arms around her and beg. Beg for her to come back to him, to forget social acceptance, to let him love her like he had all summer. Like he still did.
She was staring at the place where his hand still gripped her arm. He let it go as fast as if it had shocked him. Their eyes locked. Paul thought he saw something, but he couldn’t read it; he didn’t know her anymore. He fled.
Do you care if I don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will I shake this off pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is
“Who the hell was that Rachel?”
“No one,” Rachel snapped at her friend. Her heart was still beating fast and she felt a bit like she was going to be sick.
“Oooooo. I know who that was! That’s Paul Irwin! He’s like the beau of the drama class,” her other friend squealed.
“Puh-leaze. A drama dork? As if.”
Rachel could definitely feel a migraine coming on. How had she lived with these girls last year? Why were they her best friends again? She felt as though she were bobbing in the middle of the sea, confused and disoriented.
“Let’s blow next class. I need a ciggie break.”
“It’s the first day,” Rachel said dryly, “we can’t skip. Let’s just get to class.” She marched onward, head held high, she missed the looks exchanged behind her back by her two friends.
Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that
loves a girl
Paul stumbled into his house, calling out, “I’m home! Anybody here who cares?” Nothing and no one answered him. Good, he’d be in peace for what he was planning to do next.
Climbing the stairs and entering his bedroom he thought about his afternoon at school. He’d seen Rachel across the crowded cafeteria, laughing and smiling with her friends. Flirting with the preppy jock sitting next to her. His friend, Anna, had pestered him with questions about the summer. How was it? Who’d he meet? Was he mad because they’d all gone away to different places and left him alone in the city? The more she questioned him, the more he retreated into his shell until, finally, she gave up and let him eat in peace.
He collapsed on his bed, bouncing for a moment and just breathing. He tried to empty his mind, to relax, to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to do next. Slowly, almost hesitantly, he rolled over, reached a hand out and let it drop to the floor. He ran it along, under his bed, until it hit a box. Grasping it firmly, he pulled it out and placed it on his bed and he changed position to be sitting cross-legged.
His prize was an old Addidas shoe box. It’s colours were faded, and the corners worn, but it wasn’t the box he cared about, it was the things he kept inside.
Jerking off the lid and placing it beside him, Paul stared at all the things he had collected. It was his summer, it was Rachel, it was love. He reached in and his fingers met a strip of thick paper. Pulling it out, he saw that it was the photo strip of pictures they’d taken at the July Week Festival. A bitter smile crossed his lips. They’d met on the first night of the festival and met every night there after. On the last night of the festival, he had pulled Rachel into the photo booth. In the pictures they were both smiling, laughing, making ridiculous faces... she was so beautiful...
Hurriedly, he threw the picture aside. This was not the kind of thinking he wanted. He had opened the box to get her letters. She had written them to him when her parents dragged her to the cottage each weekend. She’d come home, push the letter into his pocket and then jump on him. He’d fall back, onto the sand that covered their special place at the beach. They’d stay there late into the night, watching the waves and the sunset, talking and not talking. Showing each other how much they cared.
Tonight, he would go back.
Do you care if I don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay
that there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is
Rachel parked her BMW convertible and stared out at the water, coloured pink and yellow by the setting sun. She didn’t know what she was doing here. She had felt trapped in her house, her bedroom walls had been closing in on her. So she’d grabbed a jacket, her keys and blindly driven away. She didn’t want to be here. Too many memories were here for her. Memories that she wanted to forget.
But maybe... maybe, this way she could give a final goodbye. She could get closure and finally forget Paul. With that thought, she jumped out of her car and strode onto the beach. Walking towards the cliff that blocked off a small section of the beach. Her and Paul’s part of it. Sand gritted into her shoes; she kicked them off.
No one had ever disturbed Rachel and Paul while they were at their part of the beach. The reason was, that very few knew that another part of beach lay beyond the cliff and even fewer took the time to get to it. One had to wade into the water, a little above knee deep for Rachel, to get past the cliff. Then, you had to wait for a moment between waves that would give you enough time to run to the other side, otherwise you would be pounded against the hard rock. Rachel had never done this without Paul’s assistance, but she was sure she could handle it. He was protective after all, and she was stronger than she had been at the beginning of the summer. At least, she was fairly certain she was.
She waded in, shivering a bit in the cold water. Knee-deep, she waited for a pause in the on going waves. Paul once told her to wait for three giant ones to go in a row, and then that next gap would be the longest. She counted... 1.... oh god, had they slammed that hard against the rock before?... 2... maybe she didn’t really have to go all the way to the beach. Here was close enough wasn’t it?.... 3.... Go! Now! She was unaware of her scream as she dashed forward. Water dragged at her legs, making them feel as heavy as lead. She looked out and saw a wave almost on her... Not knowing what else to do, Rachel lurched forward. She stumbled, but managed not to fall. She was past the cliff! In triumph, she ran to the shore. Her white skirt was wet and clinging to her legs, but above her waist she was relatively dry.
She looked around. Someone was sitting on the large rock that had usually served as a seat for both Rachel and Paul. His back was turned to her, but he looked familiar. He turned to look at her, and suddenly Rachel wished she were somewhere very far away.
Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
Paul had been in the middle of writing a letter to Rachel, one she would never receive but he felt it was something he needed to do. Through the pounding sound of waves he thought he’d heard someone scream, but assumed it was from someone on the main beach. A few moments later, he thought he heard someone splashing around and turned to look. He almost fell off the rock he was sitting on, there, still standing ankle deep in the ocean, stood Rachel. Her straight auburn hair was mussed, she was wet in places and soaked from the waist down. But her brown eyes were shining. To him, she’d never looked more beautiful.
Unconsciously, he slipped off his seat and started walking toward her. She took a few steps towards him, he saw her hand twitch at her side as though she were going to reach out to him. Three feet from one another, they stopped.
“Paul...” Rachel whispered. He yearned to close the space between them, envelope her in a hug and never let her go. Instead, he closed his eyes. He needed a break from looking at her as he regained his composure.
“No.” His eyes were open and he was staring her down.
“I-I...”
“You what?” Anger pulsed through him. “What do you want from me Rachel?”
She hung her head for a brief moment before looking back at him. “I don’t know.”
He remembered the letter he’d left at his seat. He knew what he wanted... had to say. “Was it all meaningless to you? Did you mean half the things you said?” He was surprised at the tonelessness of his voice. How did it not reflect the tornado of emotions within him?
“I meant everything I said, Paul,” she cried fiercely.
“Just a fling?” It was all he could manage.
She shook her head, and looked at him, fire in her eyes. She knew what he wanted her to say. “I hated you,” it felt better to say it. “I hated you for making my emotions go insane! I knew I wasn’t in control of anything and I hated it!” She waited for him to interrupt, but he didn’t. She should’ve known he’d let her dig herself into a hole. “I’m not like you, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t love you... don’t love you...” She was staring at the ground again, unable to look at him in the face. “So I undermined it, but I didn’t want to hurt you.” He still didn’t speak. “Please, say something,” she whispered.
“What is there to say? You can’t get past that I’m not socially acceptable in your order. Everything’s just how it was last week,” Paul strode past her. He half-expected her to stop him, but she didn’t. He should have known better than to expect that from her.
Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
She lay awake staring at her ceiling. Paul’s last accusation towards her still pinched at her. She loved him, she knew she did! What did social acceptance matter? Would it matter half as much when they were together strolling the halls hand in hand and making out in between periods?
Was it worth losing him?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
He wondered how long it would take to get over her. How long it would take for this deep pain within him to disappear? When would he be able to walk the halls at school without worrying about bumping into her?
I’m an actor, Paul told himself, I can act like everything’s okay. I can pull it off.
But he knew he couldn’t.
He looked out the rain-splattered window from where he lay on his bed, at the stars that always gave him comfort, confidence and salutation. The moon was full and lit the world, it absorbed him into it. Which is why, when Rachel’s head popped into view, he startled in fright and fell off his bed.
Hurriedly, before he could stop her, she opened the window and climbed in. She was wet from the rain, and goosebumps stood out on her arms. She grabbed his arm and yanked him up from where he lay sprawled on the floor. Pulling him close, she whispered fiercely, “I don’t give a shit about social acceptance. I love you.” She pressed her lips against his. It took Paul a moment, he was still surprised, until he wrapped his arms around her, drawing her close and kissed her.
They didn’t know if their love would last forever. But at that moment they didn’t care for they loved each other then and the future didn’t matter past that moment.
There Is.
Song: There Is - Box Car Racer
Er... so yes, corny and a little bit over the top, I know. But it was one of those things that just pesters you until you're like FINE! I'll write the bloody thing down!!!! So I did. :)