Disclaimer:I don’t own any of the famous names (e.g. Elijah Wood, Orlando Bloom, Viggo Mortensen etc.) and I don’t own any of the characters based on the people who answered my cast call (you know who you are, so please don’t sue me!) I don’t own the quotes at the beginning of each chapter (that includes the prologue). After each quote I’ll put the author. And yeah. I’m pretty sure that’s all I don’t own. Okay, to make it easier for myself I disclaim EVERYTHING except for the plot/storyline/written-out-chapters. And a couple of characters who are mine, but I don’t know the names of quite yet. So basically I’m just covering my ass, but I don’t really see the point. You’re all nice people; you won’t sue me.

Warning: This fanfic is rated R for language and some references to sex.

Note: This is set in the present, but it’s not going to exactly follow what the guys are doing. It’s just easier for me to have them all in the same city most of the time :)
A couple of bits are in Elijah's perspective, but he's not THE main character. He's one of them, but he's not the whole story so that's why this is in 'The Lads' and not the Elijah Wood section.
And I know I said I wasn’t going to post the first chapter until Friday, but I’ve convinced myself that this doesn’t count, because this is the PROLOGUE and not the first CHAPTER. Ehehehe. I know it’s dumb, but it makes me feel better. So yeah, without further ado I bring you...


The Way It Is


"A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem like such a good friend after telling."

-Arthur Brisbane

a little prologue

A lot of people meet their best friends in a) highschool or b ) daycare (when they’re both/all in diapers and it’s not pretty). Me? I met my best friends, or ‘brothers from another life’ as Dom likes to call us when he’s slightly smashed, in the eighteen month shooting of a mega-hit trilogy. You may have heard of it in passing; or maybe you’re completely obsessed with it, and have doubles of all the merchandise – one set you can keep and the other you’re thinking of selling for millions down the road.

Whichever you are – completely deaf to the world or a candidate for your local asylum – it doesn’t really make any difference. The thing is, in a way, it’s a complete miracle I’m best friends with these guys today. I’m pretty sure, when we were all thrown together, that there were men on the sidelines to monitor us, making sure no disasters erupted between us and thus destroying the to-be blockbuster hit.

You’ve probably guessed by now that the trilogy I’m talking about is Lord of the Rings and my best buds are Billy Boyd, Dom Monaghan, Orlando Bloom, Sean Astin and Viggo Mortensen. You, if you’re the asylum chick, might be wondering, ‘Hey, what about the rest of the fellowship?’ Well, yeah, those guys are still my buddies, but since filming ended we’ve fallen apart. And, to put it simply, I’m pretty paranoid that the same will happen with the others. So, that’s my job; I keep us together.

Let me tell you, it’s not easy. Especially lately, when it all seems to be getting a lot harder.


get to know us

Forget what you’ve read in magazines and watched on TV. They don’t know us, though they pretend to. So wipe it all out.

Is it gone yet? It’d better be.

I’ll start with Sean. The only thing that the tabloids got right about us is that yes, we are a gay couple. I go over to his house every Tuesday while Christine is out visiting her sick mother at the hospital and the kids are fast asleep in bed. Except, last week I left my boxers at his house and Christine found them. Now Sean and her are having problems because of it.

I thought I TOLD you to FORGET what the tabloids said! If you didn’t believe me for a second, bravo. I applaud you.

Okay, for real now. Sean and I are the closest, but not in a sexual way, it’s more that I spent the most time with him during filming than anyone else and within that time we got to know each other extremely well. Christine and him are having problems, but not because Sean is gay. Her mother is sick, I wasn’t lying about that, and it’s stressing Christine out because she had one of those my-mom-is-my-best-friend relationships. Sean, who is horrible at realizing what’s REALLY bugging someone, doesn’t understand that Christine is just venting her emotions onto him. It’s not really his fault that he doesn’t realize it. Sean always tells people exactly what he’s feeling and, naively, he thinks other people do the same. His sincerity makes him an unbearably good guy, which makes the rest of us look bad most of the time.


Next, pretty boy Orlando (we’ve all come to terms with it) he pretends not to know he’s in all the countdowns of the hottest celebrities, but only because he thinks it’d make him sound cocky, which it would. His fan bases and hordes of girl fans have dubbed him Orli but none of us ever call him that unless we’re making fun of him, but that doesn’t count. ‘Orli’ sounds okay coming from the mouth of a screaming girl, but out of our mouths it just sounds tacky and weird.

Currently, Orlando is spending all of his free time going to clubs, picking up girls and then not sleeping with them (which is his original plan, he just has a hard time admitting to himself that he’s not a one-night-stand kind of person). This is his attempt to get over his flame of the past, Kate Bosworth, who I’m pretty sure you’ve read about in some tabloid or another. All Orlando ever wants is a good time, and he doesn’t seem to care that it usually lands him in the hospital. Out of all of us, he has the worst fashion sense. After a few disastrous outfits at awards ceremonies, I took him under my wing. My taste isn’t what you’d call magnificent, but I have a personal shopper who helps me out.

Viggo also dresses disastrously, but he ‘pulls off the grunge look quite well thank you very much, now leave it ALONE Elijah!’ I guess it would have hurt his ego a bit to let someone half his age take him clothes shopping, even though it would really be my personal shopper and I’d just kind of be tagging along. I think it’s also an artist thing to look like you’ve been living in the same clothes for ages because you’re so incredibly creative that you simply forgot to change. Viggo’s good about it though, he switches clothes before he starts to smell. A lot of the time he’s not as intensely into nature as he wants us to think he is. For example, he’ll have brief lapses and pull killer pranks on all of us. His favourite target is Orlando. He says it’s because he loves the look Orlando gets when he sees what Viggo has done. It is funny, he resembles a fish out of water who’s trying to become a bird (his arms do a lot of flapping). I think that subconsciously Viggo is trying to even out the world, because he thinks Orlando’s got too much luck and it’s not good for him. At least, that’s what he said when he was completely wasted one night. Viggo likes doing that. He’s an intense believer of karma, which attracts a lot of women. Don’t ask me why, I think it’s because they think he’s deep or something. For the record, Viggo’s about as deep as the shallow-end at your local swimming pool. It can look the same depth as the 10m deep end, but let’s face it; you dive in and all you get is a spinal injury. Not that I’m saying getting to know Viggo will paralyze you for life, he’s a fun guy and a total party animal for someone who’s in his late 40's. But I am telling you that he’s not the type of guy who’ll write a sonnet about a girl’s eyelash.

Billy, on the other hand, writes a lot of sonnets. We call him the hopeless romantic, ’cause that’s what he is. When he has a girlfriend we usually lose track of him for a couple of weeks because they’re locked in his trendy flat in Scotland, and he’s turned it into some kind of love nest by pulling out all the phone lines and keeping his cell off. Billy sometimes comes on a little too strong, and scares his girl away which causes him to mope around for a little while. When he hasn’t been recently dumped, he’s really fun. Sarcastic, but still fun. Out of all the guys, Bill is the best to hang out with on a boring night when all your other plans have fallen through. Or, on any night really.

I tend to think that Dom is the most unusual of us all. His all time favourite thing to do is to imitate people. He’s really good at it, but I never tell him for fear of encouragement. He phoned me up one time, pretending to be Peter Jackson and got me to believe that I had a total script re-write and he’d send it over in the morning. When I got a hold of it and started reading what was a very intimate love scene between Frodo and Sam, let’s just say I knew who the culprit was and that I got even.

Lately, Dom has been on an emotional high The T.V. show he’s in is doing extremely well. Plus he’s living in Hawaii where there are plenty of gorgeous women and even more beaches to surf at. Basically, he’s got everything going for him.

I suppose the only person you haven’t really heard about is me, Elwood (as dubbed by friends). Well, I guess, when I’m not on set, I spend my time with the aforementioned guys above or at a music store. Actually, that’s really where this whole thing started off for me, at the Retro Records just down the street from my apartment. And, as in most cases, it involved a girl.



(A/N Alright, so there's the first bit. If you guys have any constructive criticism, even if it's an itty bitty thing, I'd like to hear it because I'm really striving to improve my work :) Thanks for reading!)

Okay I know you didn't write that, but it's a really good use of quotation.

I would be the candidate for the local asylum. :yes:

Okay, so I quoted a whole paragraph. Well, the whole paragraph was absolutely highlarious.


Funny. Don't ask me to criticize. I read it and say brilliant. I don't check for grammar and such.
Stupendious.

Can't wait for when my character comes in.

Ehehe, so would I.

I'm so happy you liked it!! And you're the first one to reply!! :hug:

"Asylum? What asylum? What do you mean I have to wear a straight-jacket. Oh wait!! New clothes!! Is there a picture of frodo on it in any way form or fasion? What do you mean no?? grrrrrr!!!" lol that would so be me :yes: yayz 4 flip-flops!

You had me cracking up the entire time during Viggo's part!! Yay I get to be a chauffer type doober!! I'm so excited!! But my driving really is horrible. lol I haven't wrecked yet though! (knock on wood). ok well i've started working on mine! i'm not really sure what it's a/b yet. it will come to me as i go. that's how i work...post more soon!!! i'm so excited!!! ~Alli~

So, I've seen the banners for this story flitting around and I thought I would come and check it out. To be honest, I am completely intrigued to see where this story is going. The whole idea of Elijah trying to keep his group of friends together is interesting.

I was dying of laughter over the whole Viggo chapter. Too funny.

You are off to an excellent start. :yay:

Moo haha. I shall posty now *grins*

*has had lots of coffee* Moo haha

*cough* Okay, I really do have lots to say *laughs* Here goes:

You wanted constructive criticism yes? Well the only things I have to say are about wording and how I would have done it a bit differently on two occations but at the same time everyone has a different writing style and maybe you have different ways of wording things that I do and now I'm going to end this run on sentence by saying that I would have

said "brothers from another mother" instead of

But it would only have been done in honor of the movie Serendipidy, so yea.

And "but since filming we've grown apart" instead of

But, like I said, it's probably just different writing styles and your way's great too. So feel no need to listen to lil ol me :)

Now then:

*bursts into laughter* I tell you for a second I was reading it thinking "geh?..no...no, she wouldn't!" And then this line made it all better:

Guess no applauding for me *laughs* ;) Gladly.

Bah haha "Pretty boy," aka pansy elf, yes, oh yes; that is our Orlando hehe

*mock ashamed-ness* Alas, I have found myself calling him that; as I swore I never would! Haha! It's laziness alone that did me in though I tell you! Hehe...

Bah ha! That's great; I'm going to have to remember that line so I can quote you later hehe...

That second line is just plain freaking great. Love it :)

*tear* Sad day *pouts and bats eyes*

AWWWWE *grins* Billy *hugs him*

Greatness, just plain greatness. I can't wait for more :)

And now I'm done :P

Oh oh oh!!!!

Now that I finally got home I can read it! Bella it's great!! Everyone quoted everything that I wanted to quote so I'm just going to say that it was fantastic and soooo bloody hilarious!!! If I haven't told you already I'll tell you now, you are so funny it's crazy!

Can't wait for more!! lmao 'deep as a kidy pool' lmao

:heartbeat:

I'm so happy you posted!!!! :)
I loved it!!! Especially the way you described each character, it's really fun to read...
I can't wait for the first chapter!!

Ola ma amiga,
Excellent post of course, I am very excited to read the chapters...since I have now read the prologue more than once. I have no idea what the characters (girls) are going to be like so I am quite curious to find out who I'll be.

Have fun reading Girls in Pants
post soon
:love: Sarah

I :love: Elijah! He's so great, and you wrote him spot on! It sounds good so far, I'll be back.

I loved this!!!! It was so funny! All the descriptions of his friends were so funny! I'm sorry I can't make a longer reply, time to go to work!

*~Steph~*

:love: Thanks so much you guys :)
I'm really glad so many of you found Viggo's part funny, that's what I was going for hehe.

:lol: that was great! I started laughing and everyone in the computer lab stared at me (I'm supposed to be researching some french art or something...) I had to be all 'Oh, Monet! He was such a funny one...' so now the asylum people probably are coming after me lol.
omg! I'm sooo excited! The weather here is warm enough for me to wear flip-flops!! I didn't today, but tomorrow is flip-flop day!!

Ah! That would have made more sense! The whole brothers thing, I actually heard that from Dom in one of the interviews on one of the LOTR DVD extra thingys. I liked the 'brothers from a different mother' though, I thought it sounded cool because it rhymed hehe :)

lol, no... no, I wouldn't hehe. I just thought I'd have a little fun freaking some people out wahahaha.

lol, I call him that too! What did me in was that it's just so catchy!!

Ah, I can't quote everyone cause the period just ended, but thanks for all your wonderful replies :) They really made my day!!

:love:

Chapter 1

“Do you believe in love at first sight... or should I walk by you again?”

- a t-shirt

where it all starts

“I don’t believe it,” I said into the speaker-part of my Motorola cell phone, “You talked with Christine for two hours? You can barely keep up a five minute phone conversation with me.” I was flipping through CDs in the punk section at my favourite music store. In vain, I was trying to find a CD I didn’t already own and, preferably, wasn’t new age crap.

“She had a lot to say,” Viggo responded, already sounding like his mind was on something else and further proving my point.

“No kidding. To you? Weird. What’d you talk about?”

“I’m not at liberty to say,” he said, sounding very uppity for a guy who, less than two weeks ago had been prancing around drunkenly in a sun dress and bonnet.

“What are you, like her therapist or something?” This was very un-Viggo. Usually he tells me everything in such a rapid fashion that sometimes I have to get him to repeat himself, just so I can be sure I caught everything. I suspected that whatever Viggo wasn’t telling me, for the good of humankind, I was supposed to know.

“Unofficially, yeah, I guess I am.”

I kind of took away the phone from my ear at that moment and looked at it, as though it could somehow confirm for me that I was really speaking to Viggo. No such luck. I put it back to my ear. “Um, then, as her unofficial therapist, did you tell her that maybe she should try confiding in her husband. I hear that helps with marital issues.”

“Well, no. I didn’t think of that. Where’d you hear it from anyways?”

“Oprah,” I said sarcastically, while plucking out a CD. Flipping it over, I scanned the songs that were listed. Welcome Death, Die Today, I Wish You Were Dead. Thinking that it was a little too death-oriented for me (why was it that everything seemed to revolve around death or a break-up?), I put it back and then dragged my attention to Viggo, who was trying to explain himself.

“Look, all she wanted was someone to talk to. I don’t know why she thought of me, but she did. I couldn’t hang up on her without seeming like a jackass.” You’d think that he’d be kind of panicky (he was, afterall, phone-cheating with his best friend’s wife), but he wasn’t. Not that I was surprised by this. Over the years I’ve observed that it takes a lot to phase Viggo. I think the only time I’ve seen him even slightly panicked was when my size-double for Lord of the Rings told him he couldn’t swim and they were in a canoe out in the middle of a river at the time.

“Why not? You hang up on me all the time.” I plucked out a Death Cab For Cutie CD. I’d heard a couple of songs by this band before. They were pretty good, new age though they were.

“That’s different, you don’t care when I hang up on you. Man, the other line just went off. I’ll see you later.”

“Seven o’clock at Playwrights Horizons. Bye.” I clicked off and made my way to the front of the store. I thought about the Broadway musical we were all going to see tonight in support of Billy. The last one he had been in nearly killed me; it was so boring. I made a mental noted to buy a magazine or a book of puzzles to help me survive through this one. Billy had made subtle hints that it would be one of the bad ones.

As I reached the place where the cash out counter was, I took note of the pretty girl standing behind it. I’d never seen her before, and I came pretty often, so I assumed that she was new. As I came closer, her appearance only confirmed my assumption. She had that bouncy look of a new person, when they are still really pleased with their job and haven’t had too many rough experiences with customers to make them think otherwise. Her hair was a dark chocolate brown, tied up and twisted back into spikes – it reminded me a lot of the way Liv would where her hair before going into her make-up trailer. My attention was caught by her bright blazer which was decorated with a lot of flashy pins. There were sayings on them that I couldn’t quite make out. I did see that among them were some with pictures from Lord of the Rings. My friends faces, and my own, were looking at me from those pins. I felt my face strain to keep up its smile. Uh oh, I thought, a fan.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my fans. Really, I do, but they can be harder on the ears than a Metallica concert. I would love them so much more if they came with a mute button. So, with a bit of an inward sigh, I placed Death Cab for Cutie on the counter and began digging in my pocket for some cash.

“Nice choice.”

I looked up. I admit I’d been expecting something more along the lines of ‘oh my god! You’re Elijah Wood!!’ I hate stereo-typical incognito star. You know, the standard baseball cap and sunglasses. I never try and hide myself, and the consequence is that I get stopped on the street about a million times a day. Yeah, I know, I was getting cocky. Not all fans are the screaming type. I’m sure only 99.9% are. It was kind of a shame that she was a fan though (I have a no-dating-fans policy); she was very pretty and I felt a weird spark between us. Or maybe that was just static electricity coming from the carpet. One can never tell.

“Thanks,” I said, placing a twenty on the counter.

Turquoise eyes lit up as she smiled at me and I noticed that they were just below level with mine. She was shorter than me, which was a rare thing for me since I’m a bit vertically challenged. Her smile was one of those contagious ones, you couldn’t help but smile when she did. At that moment as I stood there smiling and staring a little, like a fool, I really wished she had never even heard of the Lord of the Rings. I wished she were Amish. Not in the full-out way, just in a never-watch-movies way.

She handed over my change and the bag that was holding my purchase. “See ya...” my eyes flicked to her name plate, “Jasmine.” Nice name.

“Have a great day.”

Just before I went through the automatic doors I thought I heard her add, “Frodo Baggins.” But that, I’m sure, was just my imagination. I looked back as I left, only to see that Jasmine was grinning cheekily at the cash machine as though it were the most interesting thing in the world. I paused briefly just outside the doors, wondering if it would be weird if I ran back in there and asked her out to Billy’s Musical.

She’s a fan, I scolded myself, you can’t ask out a fan!

I began walking away. My only consolation was the thought that even if I had invited her, it probably wouldn’t have made that great of an impression. I doubted she’d ever want to see me again after putting her through such torture that only a boring musical could induce.

Then my cell phone rang and I briefly forgot all about Jasmine as I climbed into my Blue Mini and drove away, all the while getting into a detailed conversation with my agent. Ah, the life of a teenage heartthrob was a hard one to lead.


(A/N: Thanks for reading you guys :) The next chapter is not in Elijah's perspective... so yeah... I know it seems like this should be in the Elijah Wood section... but just give me a couple more chapters to prove that it truly does belong in the lads :) :love: love you guys)

I should be sleeping, but I just had to post to tell you that I thought this:

Sent me into a fit of hysterical laughter. *snickers* I'd be more animate in my praise of it, but I can hardly keep my head up.

:D I need to come up with a word other than "greatness" because it's losing it's charm... *ponders* Too tired, can't think. Loved it anyway

ttfn :)

Thanks so much Jewelz :D I feel special that you put off sleeping to read hehe :)

I still like 'greatness'!

oooooooooooooh la la!!! That was so great!!! The whole Frodo Baggins thing was just awesome! hehehe. I'm seriously loving Elijah so much, his humor is great. So delightful :)

Can't wait for more beautiful *hugs*

That was so good!!!!!!! I'm already hooked!!!
Too bad he has a "no dating fans policy" :(
I'm sure they would make a cute couple :P
Can'twait for the next chappie..

Now that's a mental image....

I do that sometimes...Is that really so and so?

Sounds like something I'd listen to.

Good Band. I think....I'm sure I've heard some of their music somewhere.

I don't know why. That was just funny to me.

:lol:

That is the final quote for today..
Love it!
Update soon... I'm begging you.

I loved it! This definitely brightened up my boring work night!! Thanks!!!! haah

*~Steph~*

Heyhey,
I missed your call this aft. sorry about that. A wonderful chapter, I quite enjoy the little funny tidbits you add into the stories just for kicks.

That's all from me, you know I love it!

-Sarah

lol, I had trouble fitting in the frodo baggins thing, but it worked apparently! Yay! hehe. I'm glad Elijah's personality is working for him, I was kind of stuck on how he should act for a bit :)

Aw, thanks so much!
Ehehe, I dunno if he really likes that policy that much.
I'm trying to keep up a routine of posting chapters. Like every Monday and Friday. Don't hold me to that though lol.

lol, yes. Yes, it is.
Nah, I do it too :)

They're an awesome band :) If you watch the O.C (although I don't think you do... lol) you'll definetly have heard some of their stuff.

Yay!! It was meant to be funny :)

Aw, wow, cool! Boring work nights suck.

Grrrr... yesh, evil child! You missed my call!! lol, actually it was Birdie calling from my house... but still.
lol... What're you talking about?? All my little tidbits have everything to do with the story... I swear... they're vital!! ;) hehe. I can't believe you caught on to that. I though I was being so subtle!


Thanks for all the replies you guys! I know that some of my replies might be pretty sucky... and I'm sorry for that... but I totally appreciate them all :)

No I don't watch the O.C. I curse the name O.C. Ah I just hate that show. And Adam Brody gets on my nerves. I like more sophisticated shows like south park.

Ahhh!! I can't believe I missed a chapter!! I printed it out yesterday morning, almost got caught for being on the computer (which i'm not supposed to be) ended up having to read it in 2nd period, and absolutely loving it!!! yay!! I can't wait for more! And I'm excited to see what you turn me out to be like! :love: and :hug: ~Alli~

Leahy: lol, I would have been very surprised if you liked the O.C. You're way too original for that :) As for Adam Brody... one less girl for me to fight over him for ;)

Alli: Aw, thanks so much! It feels so weird to be the person who gets their fic printed out... cause that's what I do when I don't have time to read! It's just bizzare... lol.

Thanks for all the reviews and support! Sorry this took so long! Um, there is some unsuitable language in this chapter... so er... all you see no evil hear no evil speak no evil people... don't read this?

Chapter 2

“The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

- Henry Kissinger”

pretty boy gets dazzled




Orlando Bloom, teen heartthrob and total hottie, stood outside Playwright Horizons in an out-of-the way niche. He checked his Rolex watch, and pulled his suede jacket tighter around him; his friends were late and it was getting colder by the minute.

'next time,' he thought to himself, 'I hold on to the tickets.'
It only made sense after all, he was always the first one out of his friends to arrive anywhere and even so he was usually ten minutes late. He wouldn't get the tickets next time, he knew, he was little scatter-brained he would lose them.

Orlando leaned forward and looked down the sidewalk, hoping to see one of his friends amungst all the people rushing to some unknown destination. That was the problem Orlando found with Americans; they were way too uptight. Orlando had cured Sean, Elijah and Viggo of that awful rushing habit as soon as they'd arrived in New Zealand. Now he regretted it as the sun vanished behind a skyscraper kiddie-corner to him and the temperature seemed to drop outrageously.

"Fuck me," Orlando swore under his breath. He bounced a little on the balls of his feet in a fetal attempt to warm up. Looking back into the crowded streets, he swore again. The young strawberry-blonde that was by the newspaper stand gave him a look, but Orlando hardly noticed. Just down the block he could make out a group of about eight teenage girls, all huddling in close to one girl and reading a magazine... one with his face on the cover.

Orlando pulled his trade-mark beanie further down over his coffee-coloured curls. He flipped up the collar of his coat, looking more like a drug addict than a hottie-extraordinaire incognito. The girls were a few steps away from him... he could hear their giggles as they read out an interview he barely remembered doing. In a last desperate attempt to become invisible he focused his eyes on his feet as though they were as fascinating as... well... a teen magazine perhaps?

He wouldn’t be able to stand it if they came up to him, oozing pity over his break up with Kate Bosworth they’d surely to god read about in some tabloid or other. It had been blown out way out of proportion. They’d announced the ‘it’ couple caput before Orlando had even fully realized it himself.

Nothing can help a person get out of denial better than a front page headline. Unfortunately, the next step is often deep depression, and out of the two; let’s just say Orlando preferred denial and he was pretty sure his friends did too. He knew that Elijah was more than fed up with his whining, but how could he help it when it felt like he’d just lost the love of his life? Three whole years he’d spent with Kate and now the only time he ever saw her was on the cover of a magazine.

“Sorry, but could you...”

Orlando snapped out of his well of self-pity and back into the present. A newspaper was in front of his face; he could just make out a bunch of skater-shoe clad feet shuffling by. So the potential fan-girl group had passed him without recognition. Excellent. But now he had to deal with this person. Orlando forced his lips into a carefree smile and sized up the woman holding the newspaper in his face. She was simple, but very beautiful in an effortless way. Her hair (was it red? Brown? Blonde? A mix of everything? He couldn’t tell) flipped out at the ends in a very preppy-smart-girl way. He mentally assessed her fashion (converse all-stars, colourful scarf, short pea jacket) and came up with girlishly trendy. This was a curse, assessing fashion, that he’d picked up on the red carpet and from a lot of sessions with Rian, Elijah’s, and now his as well, personal shopper.

Orlando realized he hadn’t said anything yet... usually he didn’t have to; his fans were only too willing to do all the talking. “Er...” he started. Very cool opener. He felt like such an idiot, what was he supposed to say? She hadn’t even finished her sentence! “I – ”

“Don’t worry, I don’t want your autograph,” the women said, taking the newspaper out of his face and folding it up professionally before tucking it between her arm and body where a few other magazines were... including the same one the teenies were carrying. Shit.

She seemed to notice were his gaze had strayed to and quickly tried to appease him. “I’m on my way to a job interview. Just doing my homework.” She gave him the once-over he had given her only seconds before. “Chill out, you’re turning green.”

Orlando inwardly shook himself out and got his mind back on track. Charming heart-throb: he could do it in his sleep. “Sorry, usually I like encountering fans, but today...” He paused, searching for the right thing to say.

“You can’t handle it. I understand,” she smiled sincerely, and Orlando felt a pull of attraction.

“What did you say your name was?”

“I didn’t. Julianna Larson,” she transferred papers under one arm and held out her other hand.

“Orlando Bloom,” he took her small outstretched hand into his big one and pumped it up and down once as good-breeding commanded him too. He braced himself for the usual response of ‘Yeah, I know’ or, a little more blunt, ‘Duh’.

Julianna just smiled, and stood there looking rather uncomfortable. Orlando got the feeling she didn’t want to be seen with him. But he dismissed the feeling as soon as it registered; no way could she be embarrassed standing with him. He was Orlando Bloom after all, one of the top ten sexiest men alive and it was her who had come up and shoved the newspaper in his face for no apparent reason.

He couldn’t help it. He had to ask. “What was the newspaper for?”

The smallest of frowns creased her forehead and then smoothed out. “I was trying to help you from being recognized by the teeny-boppers,” there was a hint of impatience in her voice that Orlando didn’t quite understand. Did she think her motives were obvious to him? He was a man, after all, and they were known for their constant state of confusion.

He realized she was waiting for his reply. Smoothly he said, “Was it that obvious that I wished to be invisible?”

“I felt it from the bus stop,” she paused, seeming to think over what she was going to say next. “Next time, I’d opt for normality. You stick out when you’re trying not to be seen.”

“Does that even make sense?”

She flashed him a grin. “It will eventually. I think that’s your friend over there,” she nodded in a direction over Orlando’s shoulder. He looked behind him to see Elijah waving as he crossed the taxi-riddled street.

“I’ll be going now.” He looked back and found that Julianna had stepped towards him. There was a tug on his jacket pocket and then with a twiddle of her fingers she was disappearing in the throng of people walking down the street.

“Who was the hottie?” Elijah had arrived.

“I wish I knew.”

Umm...like gladly!! I am loving the chapter dahling! I can't believe that he couldn't figure out what the newspaper was for...so oblivious.

ha that sounds like somethign he would say too...*sighs* lol I'm so retarded! Anyway! I'm loving the way this chappie went and I'm loving the direction that the story is taking! ~Alli~

buahahahah I know, me too! Well... maybe... *attempt at innocent girlness* lol

It does!?! Yay!! Thanks so much for your review Alli!! *hugs*

:D *beams* Oh. my. gosh! *cheers* That's it, you totally get the award for "my favourite written version of me so far"!! (I only added the so far because, well, other people read this y'know, they can always take that as a challege ;) Haha! Juuust teasing all).

Really though, I. Absolutely. LOVED. IT! :) Especially how I shot him a look when he swore and then saved him from the fangirls! *laughs* Awesome, this day just keeps getting better ha HA!

Bah! I love how he was all "oh, she can't be embarassed to be seen with me cause I'm such a hottie" bit *rofl* What a smug arse! Haha... Hmph! Whatever Bloomy-boy, you're not that babe-o-licious *sticks out tongue at him*

Moo ha, I'm so mature today aren't I? ;) Hehehe... Well, like I said, absolutly amazing chapter :) And I can't wait for more!!

Tchao!

No time to really reply (bed time!) but I loved it!!! Very interesting last lines!

*~Steph~*

YAY!! New chapter!! :yahoo
I think it was very funny, the way Orlando described his confusion and stuff... :) And I loved the part where he thinks she can't possibly be embarassed of being seen with him..
It was just great!! Post more whenever you can!!

Gladly.

Ego a bit big? I must admit, I'd be embarassed if I was seen with him. I don't want to be seen with an actor.

Wow, what a fabulous chapter. You prove to me everytime you post that you are a great writer and I am envious. I hope that you post soon and maybe I'll be in it soon...hinthint!:)

I hope that we can patch things up in the group soon.

Love always,
Sarah

Yeah! *takes the award* I'd like to thank... well... myself! And that's all! bahahahahahah!!
*ahem* no... it's all because of the wonderful description you did of yourself hehe

You got that!! Woo! I'm so happy, because I realized after posting that I didn't put in that you were that girl! And I was all 'oh no!!!'

Lol, the sad thing is; he really is that hot. At least, I think he is!

Thanky! Hope you had a nice sleep :)

lol, I'm always trying to make things funny.. and I'm glad it worked!! Don't you hate it when you think something is absolutely hilarious and you're laughing your ass off, but your friends are kind of just like 'what... the... hell? Must be drugs.' Gah, that happens to me way too often.
Yes... Orlando is a little bit cocky... hopefully he'll get over that. I think Julianna will help him with it ;) :)

buahahaha, get in line ;)

Yes, indeed. I have a bit of a big ego as well... I think I kind of incorporated that into him a little. Except his isn't the same as mine :)
lol, you don't? That's kind of because you like being invisible though, right? Or would you just be all 'ewww... a-list... so not my style. *runs to sex pistol haven*' :)

Ahhh... you're making me blush... :blush: ... Don't be envious Sary, your writing is fab!
lol, way to be subtle. You'll be in it soon enough... er... probably! ;)

I'm sure we will. I mean this can't be the end of the fabulous five! I simply won't allow it!! *play music from gone with the wind* I vow from this day forth that I will never allow our friends to fight again!!
And also the not going hungry thing too. That's always a plus.

Off to play softball because I am just that nerdy!! Er... I'll update soon. I'm not going to give any definite dates because for some reason unfathomable to me, I always fail to meet them. Disorganization all the way!!!!

*is way too hyper for her own good* :bigbounce:

Ciao!

I was just listening to my music, and then it hit me. The title of your story is named after the Strokes' song, isn't it?

Erm.. nope, it isn't. It sort of just came to me in the middle of one really boring science class when I had nothing better to do than spazz over a title.
I'll definitely be looking up that song now though :)

This is one of the best fanfics i have read in a looong time. It's fantastic, and witty and everything i hoped for! I had originally started to take down things I wanted to quote on, but it turned out i had practically quoted every chapter!

The two quotes in the Jasmine meeting Elijah chapter that had me laughing was ;

You know I do have alot of static. If you brush my hair at night, my hair stands up and shoots off sparks, and I can zap you. It's quite hilarious.

That's so something i'd do! *snigger*

Your characters are so real! And intelligent! Not fawning and fainting over said celebrities! They actually have...I don't know what they have to them, but they have something.

And I agree with ~Jewelz~, You've one the favourite written version of me so fat ;)

You have a natural talent for writing Sweetpea! so keep it coming!

xxxxxx

Awww... you guys are so sweet saying that I win the whole best written version of you so far!! Ah, that makes me feel so great about my writing and stuff :) And you can thank Alli for this cahpter being up so soon, because she kept pestering me!! ;) hehe, kidding Alli, you know I love you.



Chapter 3

“Life is too short for traffic.”
- Dan Bellack

how in hell did this girl pass a driving test?


Dom seriously regretted ever getting into a car with Allison ‘call me Alli’ Lippert. In all fairness though, how was he supposed to know that she was a driving nightmare? How was he supposed to guess that her friendly hazel-eyed light-brown-haired ‘Hi! I’ll be your driver during your stay in New York!’ exterior actually meant ‘Driving disaster: Enter car at own risk’.

Why did these things always happen to him?

“At first I wasn’t going to be your driver at first, you know?” she said cheerfully while narrowly missing a grey Toyota as she switched lanes on the freeway. They were barreling along at twenty-five miles above the speed limit. Dom to dug his fingernails into the soft leather of the car seat out of pure terror. His heart was thumping at an unnatural speed, at any minute now, he was sure he was going to faint.

“Oh, really?” He managed to breathe out.

“Yeah,” Alli said, taking her eyes off the road to look at him... and to keep looking at him as she continued, “She and her boyfriend of three years split up just a couple of days ago. The company thought you’re safety would be endangered if they let her drive you around.”

Dom had to fight off a hysterical bout of laughter. Alli’s eyes were still fixed on him. Dom changed his features so they were appropriately morose. “That’s too bad,” he said hoarsely. Whether he meant it about his own ‘safety’ or his ex-chauffeur’s love life, he wasn’t quite sure.

Alli accelerated along the fast lane as she conversed. “I know. Men are such pigs.” Dom raised his eyebrows and Alli immediately started stuttering to make amends. “I mean, not that your a pig! I just meant that... um... they can be... we all can be?...” She looked to him for help in saving herself, for him to forgive her or at least to say something but Dom thought she deserved this torture in return for the heart-attack she was bound to give him.

“Women are horrible too... I mean, I’ve met a fair few... who hasn’t? And relationships are tricky situations, I’m sure it’s not exactly fair for us to blame it all on the man...” she blinked. “Are you planning to help me out anytime soon?” she asked with a nervous laugh.

Dom grinned. “Nope. You’re far too amusing when you ramble on like that.” Alli’s cheeks turned a bit red. She didn’t seem to notice that the front fender of the car was steadily inching unbearably close to the transporter truck ahead of them. Dom couldn’t help it, maybe driving was her profession, but she was rubbish at it. “Watch the truck!” he exclaimed.

“Wha? Oh!” Alli swerved into the other lane, almost smashing into a blue echo. The driver honked his horn at them. “Sorry! Sorry!” she shouted even though the windows were closed and there was no way the guy could hear.

During all this, Dom had been vaguely aware of shouting out something and clutching onto the dashboard. “Er... you know, love... it might be best if we got off the free way...”

“No! I can handle it! Really! I can!” Alli said shrilly.

“Er... well, you know, my mate Sean lives just five minutes away from the next exit... I forgot I promised to visit him...”

“But what about the musical your friend is in!?” Alli demanded, looking scandalized for reasons Dom couldn’t guess.

“We’ll go together.”

“I’ll drive you!!”

Damn. This girl was seriously hard to get rid of. Dom was sure he’d quite like her on firm ground, but in a car? With her at the wheel? It was his hell. He couldn’t understand what lunatic would give this girl a license! Sure, she was hot, and that probably gave her extra points, but this was the safety of Human Kind (and namely, his) that was being tampered with!

Dom did the only thing he could think of to save the situation; he lied. “Sean has a bit of a... no... I shouldn’t tell you...”

Alli’s eyes widened. “What? What does he have?” she looked really interested. Perfect.

“It’s this... it’s a bit of a complex... you see, when he’s in a car he starts acting very strange. His psychiatrist says it’s caused by some suppressed childhood emotional experience... here comes the exit by the way,” Dom added, seeing the sign.

“Strange? Strange like how?” Alli flicked on the signal-indicator and started to switch lanes to Dom’s complete terror. Was he really in America? It felt like he was in a sadistic hell.

“I really shouldn’t say... I mean, he’s fine,” a wave of brilliance hit him and he plunged on, “just as long as he’s the one driving.” He kept his voice as nonchalant as possible, but he couldn’t help taking a quick sideways glance at Alli to see if his plan was working, which was to persuade Alli to drop him off and he’d be out of that car for a few blissful hours.

Alli seemed to be pondering as the car went along at a snails pace down the exit ramp. After some moments of silence she finally seemed to reach a decision. “He can drive,” she said brightly, “I could use the break anyways. I’m not really all that great at driving anyway. In fact, you’re my first client who hasn’t demanded I stop and then ran out of the door screaming.”

“Er... Imagine that...”

“The only reason I drive is because my dad owns the company. He’s in denial about the whole thing. Me not being able to drive, I mean. He thinks that I’m getting working skills doing this. I say I’m missing frat parties to spend time with stuck up rich-ass business people,” Alli said, a tinge of bitterness to her usually bright voice.

Dom had been watching the suburbia houses flash by out the car window as Alli spoke and he didn’t turn his head away as he murmured a condolence to her. He was used to sob stories of the rich, which she undoubtedly was if what she said was true about her dad owning the car company. And the frat parties? Puh-leese. Could she get anymore preppy daddies girl?

“This is it,” Dom nodded to a mid-sized suburban house. Sean liked to live low-key for the amount of money had. He said it was for the kids and that it kept him humble. The others said it was because he wanted to make them feel guilty for the luxuries they spent their money on.

Alli pulled into the drive way, and parked. As he slid out of the car, Dom felt an intense wave of relief wash over him as his feet hit the firm ground. He walked up the garden-bordered pathway, already plotting the next way he would thwart Alli’s efforts to drive him.

He had the feeling that between Alli, his rambunctious group of friends and the girls they were bound to pick up, his time in New York was going to be anything but relaxing. Through the jet-lag he wasn’t sure if he was looking forward to it or if he wanted to catch the next flight home.

buwahaha! Dom don't worry, no one in a car with me has died...yet :) j/k but seriously, he feared his life???

teehee! he would like me...

i am hot bizatch! lol

i hate preps...

might add more later but mom is yellin gtg!

Buahahaha, no worries. Dom doesn't have a clue who you really are.... but he will... ehehehehe. :)

:bigbounce:

....*bursts into hysterical laughter* OMGosh! she drives like meeeeee :D Teh hehehe LOVE IT.

I'd post in detail, but I'm in the middle of writing a paper for my psych class (what?! I was taking a break to read mmmkay? ;)) I'd better get back to it *grumbles* but I just wanted to let you know I read it, and found it friggin hilarious :D As usual ;) Greatness :)

Ttfn!

THANKS ALLI! lol

BAAAAAAAAHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! That's so awesome!!! hahaha I'm totally loving Alli and Dom's interaction and how their relationship is. Can't wait to see how it develops :)

Hun this story is pure comedic genius. I love it!! I can't wait for more!!! hahahaha and I can't wait to see how crazy you make me in this fic hehe. *chuckles uncontrollably*

Luv ya lots!!! and I miss talking to you on AIM!!!

*hugs*

xoxox Pat