Since I basically go and see a movie every week or at least every other week, I will post reviews about what I saw of the movies and give it (on a scale of 1 to 5) a review. So that way, if I go see a movie and I tell you it sucks, it probably does, so I'd have saved you about $5-10 bucks in ticket money, not including snacks.

This only includes movies that are in theaters, but I will also critique movies on DVD by special request.

Anyway, over the last few months:

Epic Movie. I had high hopes for this one. I really did. I was hoping that it would be as good as the Scary Movies, and much better than Date Movie. I was only half right. The literal first fifteen minutes used up all the jokes that they show you in the trailers while making them unbearably not funny, and the rest of the movies was a bunch of shitty MTV show references, gross humor (and not even funny gross humor), and why-the-hell-does-this-movie-need-to-be-parodied-parodies. Only one or two jokes within the entire movie made me laugh and my laughter was immediately stifled by a terrible joke a few seconds after. (They put in a Click reference for no apparent reason just as a plot hole. No joke.) My advice, don't watch this movie, and if you must, rent it, and then cry and demand that the three out of the five writers of Scary Movie (who most likely are also the same ones who did Date Movie) should be crucified and set aflame to light the Via Appia. Then the remaining 2 writers can make a really good Scary Movie 5 without anything crappy in there.

But rest in one small comfort: it was WAY better than Date Movie.

Score: 1/5

Ghost Rider. Nicholas Cage means business. This movie was pretty okay, although some parts were kinda sorta uninteresting and others was lame action horror. There were some pretty intense moments of action and humor (sometimes combined, as when Ghost Rider flips off the bridge, lands in the water, and drives away on the water, all the while flipping off the cops chasing him), and the special effects were pretty good. They even put in 'I am Legion. For we are many but one.' They get awesome points for that. The fight sequence with the water demon was incredibly disappointing (he spends 5 minutes trekking to find him and then 30 seconds actually fighting him) as was the ending. But since Nicholas Cage makes everything better (except for The Wicker Man, but nothing could make that better) and it was a really solid action film with cool effects (the bike had wheels of flame and it rode up walls and stuff!), I suggest seeing it if you're bored and have a bunch of friends who are either at least interested in extreme sports, superheroes, supernatural stuff, or Nicholas Cage.

Score: 3/5


I plan on seeing 300 this weekend, but since most of you are too young/wimpy to go see it, sucks to be you.

Ghost Rider, huh? Well, I'm a little more interested now to see it, but after it gets on DVD.

I'm just worried they're going to go overboard with special effects and extra stuff for 300. I mean, really, you don't need much more than 300 spartans facing down an obscenely large persian army, but they may add it anyway.

It's based on a battle that actually happened.

Blown quite out of proportion, but it did happen.

I know that. That's WHY I'm worried they'll embellish it too much. The story says 300 vs 1 million, but it was probably no more than ten or twenty thousand, at most. I was glad to hear that they included the spartan commanders severely badass line about fighting in the shade.

Yeah, I heard Epic Movie wasn't too good, either. But they made it look so funny.... :<

300. This was one of the greatest movies I have seen in a long, long, long time. Of course, it would probably only appeal to guys. There was so much hacking and slashing and stabbing and gore that I may have exploded if it had gotten any more awesome. It's also a fairly accurate depiction of the Battle of Thermopylae (and by fairly accurate, I mean one of the most accurate movies based on a battle that I have seen in a good long time). There was also plenty of badass quotes and sly humor ("Our arrows will blot out the sun!/Then we will fight in the shade." "Those Athenians, those philosophers and boy-lovers..." "What is this magic?!" etc). The ooooonlllllly reeeeeeeealllllll prooooooooblemmmmmmmm wiiiiiiiiith tttttttthhhhhhhheeeee moooooooovie waaaaaaaaaas thaaaaaaaat aaaaaaallllllllmmmmmmooooost eeeeeeeevvvvvvvverything waaaaaaaaaassssssss sllllllllllllooooooooow mooooooooooootion aaaaaaaaaaaat thhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeee moooooooooost iiiiiiiiinapppppppropppppppriaaaaaaaaaate tiiiiiiiiiimes. The most probably would've been half as long if it weren't for all the slow motion Matrix-esque killings (which were still pretty cool although REALLY repetitive). Go see this movie if you want a great feel-good adrenaline rush with lots of gore and awesome. I suggest you don't see it if you are squeamish, as decapitations and impaling and rotting bodies are common. But if you don't see this movie, you suck.

Score: 5/5

I`m gonna see it this weekend.

I saw 300 yesterday. Good movie, except for the parts where there were naked peoples... I covered my eyes then. As bloody as it was, I didn't die. I guess I just don't like the kind of gore with fishhooks in the eyes and roughly sewn stitches in disturbed manners. Then I don't like gore. But this was a pretty good movie.

Eh, I haven't seen any of the movies you've reveiwed for Kiao.

Just saw Grindhouse, a double feature.

Awesome movie. Or two movies, I should say. More details tomorrow.

I saw Are we done yet today. :P

Now that I'm more awake, Easter is practically over, and the combination of movie popcorn and cookie dough has settled itself, it's time for another review. And this one's a biggun, kids. So settle yourselves down. I’ll also be using profanity because it suits the theme. So suck it up.

Since the movie Grindhouse was a double feature, I shall review each movie as a separate movie. And since there was also fake previews at the beginning of each movie (which also served as a clever intermission) I will be reviewing them, too.

The total scores will then be averaged into one score.

Let's start with the movie Planet Terror. Since it'll take way too long to describe in detail, I'll just describe parts of it: a go-go dancer with a Gatling gun for a leg, a badass old sheriff who kills his zombie wife with an axe, a Jesus reference, a badass dude riding on a minibike, a dog getting run over by a truck, an abrupt-yet-hilarious change from an almost sex scene to a building on fire with zombies attacking it, children shooting themselves, angry teenage Mexican babysitter twins, Bruce Willis talking about shooting Osama Bin Ladin, zombie attacks, lesbian doctors, people-neutering by way of scary looking scissors, a badass Indian (not Native American, but actually from India) scientist who gets his head split in half, BBQ-sauce-and-sausage jokes, marksmanship jokes that also allude to a woman getting knocked up, a five minute f-word-a-thon, every single car in the movie explodes, helicopter-based zombie decapitation, and more. Mind you, not all of this was in any particular order.

Ranking: 4.5/5
It would get a higher ranking if half of the story made sense when it was supposed to. But it still was an awesome movie and it made me smile inside and out.

And then came the previews. By god, they were AWESOME. Like, you’d thought they’d be little snippets of boredom just to serve as a settle-down or a temporary intermission so that you could refill on snacks, but it was SO much more. Allow me to start:

Machete: The trailer that showed before Planet Terror. A badass Hispanic hitman is employed by a shady agency to assassinate a senator. He's betrayed as he is about to perform the dirty deed, and manages to survive to seek revenge. With the help of his brother (who just so happens to be a priest who carries lots and lots of shotguns) and a bunch of other people Machete goes about his business wiping out the whole damn agency and a bunch of innocent bystanders in one fell swoop. Allow me to give a few quotes from the preview so you may sample its awesome:
"Machete always gets the bad guys. So if you hire Machete, make sure you're not the bad guy."
"Looks like they fucked with the wrong Mexican." Can I get a “hells yeah?”

Werewolf Women of the SS: Intermission trailer. Uh oh, Hitler. Looks like WWII ain’t going so hot for you. So what are you going to do? Hire two dominatrix scientists in scanty leather lab coats to transform women into werewolves within Castle Wolfenstein to fight for the good ol’ Third Reich. That’s the whole damn idea in a nutshell. Also, starring Nicholas Cage as Fu Manchu. Do you know how FUCKING AWESOME that last sentence is? Do you know how awesome it felt to watch? Nicholas Cage makes everything better, as I have said before.

I don’t know the name for this trailer because I left to go to the bathroom but I’m willing to bet it was DON’T: Intermission trailer. It was funny as hell though. They were like: “If you were thinking of doing ____, DON’T.” And then they showed like skeletons and corpses falling out of random places. As I was walking out of the theater, I saw three children staring wide-eyed in fear of a fat man wearing glasses and a diaper chained in a basement. It made me giggle.

Thanksgiving: Intermission trailer. Just a Halloween parody. Meh-quality. Props for the cooked grandma sequence though.

There were a few other ones, but they were just fake ads for imaginary stores and restaurants. Nothing particularly good.

Ranking: 5/5.
This easily made the total double-feature better. I mean, Machete set the whole tempo to get ready for Planet Terror, and most of the intermission trailers were funny as hell and very good. Besides, Nicholas Cage was in it. And Nicholas Cage makes EVERYTHING better. Except The Wicker Man. But not even Jesus could save that movie.

And then we came to the second movie: Deathproof.

Deathproof: The first fifteen minutes of this movie was nothing but sheer talk. Four girls and two dumbass guys talking. At a bar. For fifteen minutes. I thought I was going to go crazy. And then into the bar strolls in the star (or at least he should’ve been): Stuntman Mike. That was his name. This is what he looks like.


Just let his awesomeness sink in for a while.

So anyway, he heads up to some other blonde chick at the bar and asks if she needs a ride home. The chick was all “sure but tell me about yourself, what’s it like to be a stuntman?” and Stuntman Mike spends about fifteen minutes discussing it (which wasn’t as boring as the other talking, that was just brutal) and somehow in the middle of it all he gets a lap dance (censored, unfortunately) and then the never-stops-talking squad of four girls decides to up and leave. Stuntman Mike turns to the blonde and says “okay we’re heading out.” Then we come to his scary black car as the never-shuts-up quartet drives away. He spends five minutes talking about his car, and she gets in her side of the car (which just so happens to be separated from his side by a massive thick sheet of Plexiglas with airholes in it). Stuntman Mike asks where she lives and she says: “right” but Stuntman Mike says “oh sorry I’m afraid I’m not going that way and you’re pretty much screwed now” before tearing off at about 150 miles an hour, driving for about three minutes while the blonde is pleading with him which further pisses him off and he stops suddenly causing the bitch to have her skull flattened against the dashboard which brought a smile to my face, and to his. Then Stuntman Mike begins to pursue the never-shuts-up quartet and catches up to them after they’re talking amongst themselves for another grueling five minutes. And then he owns them with his car. And when I say ‘owns’ I mean one gets her face torn off, one gets her leg torn off while her body is crushed, one is thrown through the windshield, and the other one died in an equally cool way but I just can’t remember how it happened exactly. Oh, and they showed that whole thing four times from four different angles. :D Of course, Stuntman Mike is slightly beat up (a few cuts, bruises, and a broken finger or two) but he manages to get away with it because the girls were doing pot and a bunch of other no-nos while Stuntman Mike is “clean as a whistle.” Then it cuts to the next day, where Stuntman Mike is watching these four women (the same actors as the original never-shuts-up quartet, but with different clothing, hairstyles, and accents) through binoculars at the beach. And that’s when the real horror starts. And by horror, I mean 45 minutes of chick-flick caliber dialogue. The new and improved never-shuts-up quartet™ drive around and talk about their lives and the crazy black chick has a gun and the Aussie is from New Zealand and the ditzy brunette is an actress in a cheerleader movie (which lends itself to humor later on) and the other black chick with a giant mouth never EVER EVER EVER stops talking. EVER. And throughout this 45 minutes of testicle-shrinking misery (I swear to God, I felt more and more emasculated as the girls kept talking), Stuntman Mike was absolutely NOWHERE to be found. Nowhere. Like he vanished. My friends and I were practically crying out for him. And thankfully, our prayers would be answered. Eventually, three of the new and improved never-shuts-up quartet™ (the crazy black chick, the Aussie, and the never-shuts-up black chick) want to buy some crazy redneck’s car but first want to take it for a test ride (while offering the cheerleader brunette as lady-bait). They drive off, having fun and the Aussie gets on the roof of the car while it’s going around 60 mph and they’re having a grand old time when out of nowhere comes Stuntman Mike. I sighed a sigh of relief and said to myself (quite loudly): “Go get them, you motherfucker. Go get them.” And yes, Stuntman Mike does try to run these bitches off the road in an epic half-hour chase sequence. Yet somehow in the middle of it all, the Aussie isn’t thrown off the roof of the car and they manage to get to a point where they can stop Stuntman Mike from slamming them off cliffs and bridges. Stuntman Mike is laughing his ass off and he gets out of his car to congratulate and applaud them for entertaining him so well, the crazy black chick pulls out her gun and shoots him in the arm. He freaks out and drives off. And unwilling to accept that they managed to survive an attack by a crazy vechicular-homicidal maniac, they decide to chase him down and “finish his punk ass.” Another awesome chase scene, but this time Stuntman Mike is running for his life while the crazy trio of pissed off women chase him. They fuck up his car and as he gets out to try to reason with them, they kick his ass with a combination of kung-fu, pistolwhipping, and a lead pipe for good measure. The movie ends with the three women leaping into the air in joy while Stuntman Mike lies limp-dick on the ground with his shit totally ruined. Which, although funny as hell, made me feel slightly dejected because Stuntman Mike kicked total ass and didn’t deserve to go out the way he did. And although the movie was good, I expected and WANTED it to be better than Planet Terror because Quentin Tarantino directed this movie. But no, I got fucking Bridget Jone’s Diary mixed with Dukes of Hazzard with a little bit of Saw tossed in. Disappointing, Quentin Tarantino. Disappointing.

Ranking: 2.5/5
Needed more Stuntman Mike and less chick flick-grade stuff. Also could’ve done more with the cars. It DID however have more of a plot than Planet Terror, and that’s where the .5 came from.

Okay, here we are, it’s been a while, but overall:
Planet Terror ranking: 4.5/5
Trailers (total) ranking: 5/5
Deathproof ranking: 2.5/5
Overall ranking: 4/5
Deathproof made the movie worse, but it was still good by all standards. It made it more interesting for the womenfolk at least, probably. But overall, it was what it was supposed to be: intense. I suggest seeing this movie.