I'll start with a few. :)


A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."
"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

-------------------------------



Two guys are in the woods camping and one of them gets bit by a snake at his dic*.
Other one gets really nervous and calls 911 right away.
My friend got bitten from the snake and we are very deep in forest he screams. What can I do?????
Person at the other end of phone replies: No problem, just suck the poison out.
Guy ends the phone call.
What did they say asks bitten dude?
Well...
They said that....
You are going to die!

roflmao

A man was walking past a block of flats when he noticed something falling from the sky. He put his hand out to catch it and he was shocked to find it was an eyeball!!! He realised somebody must be really missing this eyeball so he goes in the flats, and to his dismay, the lift is broken, and the eyeball fell from the top flat. So he sets off walking up the stairs, and betime he reaches the top flat he is knackered. He knocks on the door and a lady answers. 'I think this fell from your window', says the man, holding out the eyeball. 'Oh goodness my glass eyes', replies the lady. 'thank you so much, come in and have a drink, you look tired after climbing those stairs'. So he goes in and starts drinking he tea where the lady suddenly says 'do you fancy a bit of sex before you go home then?' 'No', he replies, 'do you offer sex to every man that comes in here?''No', she says'only the ones that catch my eye' :yikes: :yikes:

Why do they call it "PMS"? (Highlight text below to see the hidden answer.)


Because "Mad Cow" was already taken.

:blink: :blink:

the y becomes a v?

Sorry. Highlight just below the joke. There's some text there in the same color as the background. You can see it if you highlight . . .

Ahhh thats clever :D :D I was highlighting your sig!!!

Hhahaha....... roflmao


This boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?

"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

A young man goes into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.

The bartender serves them up, and the man downs then in no time.

He orders another three shots and the same thing happens.

When he orders a third round, the bartender refuses, saying, "That can't be good for you." The man replies, "I guess you're right, especially considering what I've got."

Now concerned about what kind of health worries the young man is trying to drown with drink, the bartender says, "Sorry, buddy. What have you got?"

The man reaches in his pocket and pulls something out. Looking at what's in his hand, he replies, "About a buck and a quarter."

roflmao OMG Ace you can tell 'em cant; you?

Why have elephants got big ears?
Cos Noddy wont; pay the ransom. :D

Well it's clean roflmao

hello lbh ;)

Ok time for me to take win.




Here is a cool one.


I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for
it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last
week,


you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails
done,
cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came
homeand ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the
game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or
anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case
is, I'm

gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


&bp; Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown
out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice
when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came
to mind was "You

look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say
anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I
stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you
had on that new negligee
because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a
coincidence that
my brother

had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and
your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and
felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit
the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I
guess.
I hope you

have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take
care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.



Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

That is the funniest thing I have seen on the net for a while.

Needs sound up

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

It's the office Christmas party and one guy's clearly had too much to drink. He goes over to a group of people less inebriated than himself, and, leering slightly, offers a challenge:

"I bet anyone £50 than I could jump out the window and remain unharmed".

The group all exchange knowing looks and mumble their excuses. One guy though, who'd had a bit too much to drink as well, and was relatively new to the company, was utterly perplexed by the bet.

"But this is the 50th floor!" he proclaimed, aghast. "You'd be killed for sure!"

"So you'd earn yourself £50 then" challenged the first guy, "go on, you know you want to".

Against his better judgement, the guy decides to go along with it. Immediately the first guy runs over to the balcony and jumps off. The second guy can't believe he's done it, and goes to check the carnage that's sure to have occured. He can't see anything and is utterly perplexed when the man saunters back in 5 minutes later and collects his winnings.

His intrigue getting the better of him after a couple more drinks, he goes over to the guy that jumped and conveys his incredulation. "How did you do that?" he demanded.

"All you have to do is truly believe you're going to be fine, and you'll land safely", was the reply. "I know it sounds strange, but trust me you'll be fine. I'll give you your money back if you can pull it off".

The guy downs a tequila and takes the plunge. His body smacks onto the concrete with a sickening noise, passers by start screaming and the ambulance quickly comes to take his lifeless, mangled body away. Observing the carnage, the first man goes back into the room and rejoins his original group. One of them gave him a disgusted look and said:

"You know what, you can be a real c--- when you're drunk, Superman".

roflmao roflmao I wasnt expecting that punchline :o

roflmao roflmao roflmao

Well of my joke being removed was anything to go by, that oen wont; last long.

:yikes: Didn't realise that could get banned. Here we go then, I'll redeem myself. If anyone gets a better joke than this in their Christmas cracker, I wanna hear it:

What happened when the frog's car broke down?

It got toad away.

There was a woman who visited church regularly, but whose husband rarely went and when he did he always fell asleep once he was inside.
One day she took him along and threatened to poke him with a knitting needle every time he fell asleep to awaken him.

The vicar started this particular address with a few questions for those present. The first one he asked was: “Who created the universe as we know it?”

At this point the woman poked her husband and he shouted “GOD!”, and the vicar said “Yes that’s correct”

The vicar then asked: “Who is the son of God?”

Again the woman poked her husband to awaken him and he yelled “JESUS!”, and against the vicar praised him for his correct answer.

The vicar then asked: “What did Eve say to Adam after he fathered his 58th child with her?”

The woman poked him yet again and he said: “If you poke me on more time with that bloody thing I’m going to take it off you and snap it in two”

roflmao

roflmao I love th eold crap one liners.

Lmao not bad guys even though I've heard them already.

Sorry bout the double post .....cant really edit.

*This joke is completely made up and no offence is meant to the people
involved*

>Roger Federer, Pete Sampras , Maria Sharapova and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and .. it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The old woman, Maria and Fed are sitting there looking perplexed. Pistol Pete is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

>The old woman is thinking : Sampras must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped.

Pete is thinking : "Damn it, that Fed must have tried to kiss Maria, she thought it was me and slapped me instead."

Maria is thinking : "Sampras must have moved to kiss
>me,but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."

>Fed is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could
>make another kissing sound and slap Pete again.

Dyslexic walks in to a bra....

yow mamas so fat she fell inlove and broke it:P

Two Irish men -Shaun and John- were planning a fun night out in Munich. Unfortunately, after searching their pockets, they discovered that they only had 1€. "What shall we do?", they wondered. But John had an idea. He took the money and ran to the next bratwurst-shop. He came out clutching a large sausage.

Shaun: "Are you stupid? We only have one Euro left and you go and spend it on a bloody sausage"

John: "Look I have an idea. Let's go into that bar, order two beers and when I say "go!", put the sausage in your mouth and start sucking it."

Shaun reluctantly agreed to try it out. So they entered the nearest beer-garden, went up to the bar and ordered two large beers. They calmly drank their beer. When they had finished, the landlord came up to them and asked for the money. "Go!", said John. Shaun was alarmed to discover that one end of the sausage was sticking our of John's zipper. "GO!!!", John repeated. And so, Shaun got down on his knees and started sucking on the sausage, dangling from his friend's crotch. Horrified, the landlord grabbed them both by the collar and kicked them onto the street.

Shaun: "Are you stupid? What the Hell was that about?! That was just weird!"

John: "But we just got two beers right?"

Shaun: "Yeah..."

John: "And did we have to pay?

Shaun: "No... no we didn't! You're a genius John!"

John: "Exactly! Come on Shaun. Off to the next bar we go."

And so, Shaun and John went from one bar to the next and ordered beer. Everytime it was time to pay up, Shaun would perform a fake blowjob and they would be kicked out.
At about half past one in the morning, Shaun and John came staggering out of yet another bar. They had visited virtually every beer-garden on the street.

Shaun: "John...."

John: "Yeah?"

Shaun: "Lezzgohome. My back hurts fromaving to kneel down allthtime."

John: "Might be a *hick* goodidea Shaun. I lost the bloody sausage six bars ago."

roflmao

love it!

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested
an audience, and as they are The Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in
to see the Holy Father. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns
around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back,
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey
Turns back and says, "Your Extreme Holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere at all in the world?"

After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding
the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting,
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am,
may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one
in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that
seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only
are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine
didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the
train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my
honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting
nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for
doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive
your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to
have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded, and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, " Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormity of the undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it will take! It will nearly exhaust all the natural resources. It is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me".

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. How she feels inside, what she's thinking when she's silent? Why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how to make her truly happy".

The Lord replied, "You want four lanes or six on that bridge?"

------------

*runs and hides*

Yeah you hide lexi! roflmao

That's a good one. :D

What do you call a chicken wearing a shell suit?














An egg roflmao

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted! roflmao

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug.

What do you call a man with his bottom stuffed with leaves?

Russel.

And a man with rabbits up his ass?
Warren.

The old ones are the best roflmao

roflmao

I read one in a cracker the other day -

Why do chickens watch TV?

Cos it;s great hentertainment! roflmao

what do you call a man with no arms or legs in a river?

Bob

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a man stood between two buildings?

Ali

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm
bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't
have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod
appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin
turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam
away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new
menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone
one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.

Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He
begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a
prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to
his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve
a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old
pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that
his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came
the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin,
your old friend, come out and see me again.

"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy
and I'll not be tricked.

"Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.".....................
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


>>>>>>>>>>>>>



>>>>>>

>



.
"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"

How many man utd fans does it take to change a light bulb?

2-one to change the bulb, and the other to drive to Kent to pick him up!!!

---------------------

Why is the Premiership like a cordless drill?

No leeds!!!!

---------------------

What 3ft long and keeps a pussy warm?

A man utd scarf!!!!

---------------------

Why wasn't Jesus born is Australia?

God couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin!!!!!

What do you get if you cross man utd with relegation?

about 70,000 new chelsea fans :P

What do you get when you cross a rhinocerous with an elephant?





'ell if I know? :shrug:

:o :cry: :badpc: