I hate you I hate you I hate you
you push me and pull me
and push me away
I hate when you tell me to go and to stay

You need me you pluck me
You bleed me you fuck me
You cast me aside and away
You tell me to leave you
to come and receive you
I’m told to believe that
you love me okay
You sound so clichéd

Our love is the greatest, the strongest, the latest
the longest, delicious, supreme and ambitious
tremendous, progressive, extreme and impressive

oppressive
capricious
fictitious and dead

I need you I love you I feed you I heed you
I frequently shove you away
I hate you and wait with you
go out and date with you
mate with you
Why won’t I leave you just leave you alone
I stay with my own yes for reasons unknown

You need your alone-time
and I need my moan-time
I need to have time to climb out of the drain
But why do you ask me to come to you, help you
then task me quite simply to fuck off again?
I’m weary I’m weary it’s dreary
to love you
I love you
despite all the strain and the pain
despite all the strain and the pain I do love you
I love you although I complain
No pain is no pain and no gain

Our love is alive with the tremor of being
I’m constantly fleeing and growing and seeing
the changes in us that are showing
It’s knowing
just when I should stay with you
when I should go
these little things I need to know

Our love is not dead it is flowing and fighting
it’s kicking and biting
dividing, uniting
each day is
exciting to know that I’m with you and that is
igniting our passionate hatred and love
our passionate hatred and love

I don't approve of the ugly word used in your poem. It is completely unnecessary. It made it difficult to notice anything else, and in my eyes, ruined your work.

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but that type of language isn't going to help you as a writer. It just might hurt you and your image. So if I were you, I'd leave the bad language out of your work, and concentrate on filling those places where you'd like to use foul language with something else.

Thanks for the honesty. I did a while back rewrite the poem leaving out the swearwords, but in the end it did not make me feel it really expressed what I felt at the time that I wrote it.

The sentiments of the poem are so violent and deep that to tone down the words would feel like I was not expressing what needed to be expressed.

So, again, thanks for your feedback, but I would like to say that I think it yours is only the opinion of 1, and that's why I included the poll - I am hoping more people will give me a more general opinion.

I really do appreciate constructive feedback (and thanks for putting it in a friendly way, that is so much nicer to read than simply dismissing the poem).

I would love to hear what others have to say about my poem - even if you only leave a vote!! (though I appreciate you, angela, for letting me know why you thought it was awful)

I liked it. Aside from the obvious language quibble, which Angela's already dealt with, what stood out for me was the rhythm. There was a very fast rhythm with short words that gave this piece a really good pace and emphasises the frustration of the character. When we vent anger, we tend to speak a lot faster than normal and this poem reflects that. Good stuff.

Hi Isa,

While I too find the swear words offputting for my personal taste, I do see that they fit with the tone of the poem. And I agree with TF that the rythum is fast and very good, it flows well and I can picture someone ranting and raving, perhaps at a mirror or somethinng.

Sometimes I found that lack of grammer confusing in the rhythum structure, but I know it's very difficult to put grammer in poems, and as it stands it is a very powerful piece of work.

Aleana.

I am deeply impressed I liked it a great deal. to my mind the swear words are needed, but maybe that's just because right now I can deeply relate.

you know ppl would know this if they actually read my poems...... <_<

Yes, but i KNEW you'd approve (or at least wouldn't DISapprove) of the swearing, cos i've often read swearwords in your work. Guttermouth! :P

How dare you!!!!!! <_< you ake it sound like all my work is swear words!!!!!!!

Hey, chill your exclamation marks, i didn't mean all your work :P

Ok on swearwords:

I don't tend to use them in daily life - I dislike the negative tone. Especially when people use swearwords like they use most words - without thinking.

The only times I use swearwords are when I want to make a point. I never swear unless it was very consciously done. Pretty much only when I feel very much driven into a corner.

So in this poem I do feel the swearwords are apt. They fulfil a function. :D

Fair enough. In the end, it's each to their own, and you haven't sworn excessively or unnecessarily.

wow, I been out of here awhile. To be absolutely honest, I don't think that your poem was quite vitriolic enough. It needed more epithets, if anything. or maybe I've just been too busy being a drunken lout going through a bad breakup. but really, it coulda been nastier.

Hey Captain IPA

Thanks for the feedback... but actually, to be honest I'd almost think you were sarcastic. The poem is littered with epithets. To me it is exactly as vitriolic as it should be although, since the birth of the reader must be ransomed by the death of the author, you're perfectly well justified in saying that it is not bitter enough for you :)

Good luck with the heart-mending

no sarcasm intended. I saw the word fuck only one time, which I know isnt poetic, but still, coulda used it more. didnt see the words filthy lying slag either. not sure how poetic that one is, but yeah. I guess maybe my level of bile doesnt really fit into a poetic form. it was a pretty decent poem, though, better'n I could write.