Hope nobody minds me posting this, but I'd like your opinions on this.

I've written out four sample passages from the story I am planning. They are for two separate events (over a year apart) and for each of these events one is written through Teavie's eyes and one is written through the eyes of the narrator.

I warn you now, the second sample isn't for the squeemish. It's based on an actual event (happened to me on 1st of February), let me warn you now, it's not exactly graphic but I know it's the sort of thing that grosses lots of people out. If you don't like E.R. when people get stabbed and stuff, don't look behind the second LJ cut.

Also, I know that some of the passages contain a little more information than their alternatives, part of that's because I was thinking of additional information as I wrote it, and part of it's because it was difficult to include that information in the given writing style.


“Here you go Teavie, that’s the last of it.” My Dad said as he placed the last of the boxes onto the floor of the tiny room.

With four large boxes, my father, mother and brother the room was pretty cramped. I couldn’t help but wonder how on earth this place would ever come to feel like home. The furniture was old and very well used (one of the wardrobe doors wouldn’t stay closed), the tiles around the sink were cracked and the walls were littered with remnants of ‘Blu Tac’ and a light smattering of pin holes.

“You know, we’re so proud of you Teavie.” My Mum told me. I could see the tears in her eyes and knew she was about to crying.

Luckily my younger brother recognised this. “We should probably get going now, shouldn’t we? We’re going to miss the last boat otherwise.”

***

“Here you go Teavie, that’s the last of it.”

Teavie watched as her father placed the last of the boxes onto the tiny room. She couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed with her room. It was tiny. She suspected that some of the furniture was older than she was; the wardrobe was especially ancient, so old in fact that it wouldn’t stay shut. There were cracked tiles around the sink in the corner and the green-grey walls were covered with pin holes and the remnants of ‘Blu Tac’.

“You know, we’re so proud of you Teavie.” Her Mum told her, tears obviously gathering in her eyes. In only a few minutes the flood gates would open and she would dissolve into sobs.

Luckily Toby, Teavie’s younger brother, recognised the signs. He winked at Teavie before turning to his mother. “We should probably get going now, shouldn’t we? We’re going to miss the last boat otherwise.”

*-*-*

I walked around the table, watching carefully to check that the children had the hang of their sums. I couldn’t help but feel especially proud of myself when I realised that Harvey had finally got the hang of counting ‘minutes past’. Squeezing past his chair I bent a little and whispered that he was doing very well, he smiled broadly and I grinned too, then I straightened up to speak to the entire group. “Remember, when you finish you need to put your workbook in the marking tray at the end of the table.”

I eased past the table in question; a beat up old coffee table with three trays on top of it. Suddenly I felt my trousers snag against the edge of it. Without thinking I moved away and felt the strangest feeling in my thigh. Looking down I saw a small piece of wood on my trousers, without thinking I reached out to brush it off and started to tell the children to start packing up.

But something wasn’t right. As the wood fell to the floor I felt, with horror, something move inside my leg. Running my hand down my leg I was horribly aware of something about two inches long on the right hand side of my thigh, and it appeared to be inside my leg.

***

As she walked around the table Teavie carefully checked the children’s sums. Harvey had finally got the hang of counting ‘minutes past’; Teavie couldn’t help but glow when she realised this and bent down to tell him how pleased she was with his work. The look on his face made her smile too, still grinning she straightened up to speak to the entire group.

“Remember, when you finish you need to put your workbook in the marking tray at the end of the table.” She told the children, indicating the beaten up, old coffee table with the three marking trays on it.

As she eased past it she felt her right trouser leg snag against the edge. Without thinking she moved away and felt an odd pain in her thigh. Attached to her trouser leg was a small piece of wood from the table, assuming it was just a large splinter she brush it away. As it fell to the floor she felt another odd pain, this one a little more definite – something had just moved inside leg.

Teavie ran her hand down her leg, barely comprehending what had happened. Sure enough, half-way down her thigh there was something two inches long and very hard. Pain shot through her leg as she touched it. With a strangely detached sense of horror she realised that something definitely wasn’t right.


Generally speaking I write in third person. That's more out of habit than person preference. I've recently been playing around with writing in the first person and I like the fact that it feels more personal somehow. As much of what Teavie goes through is based on personal experience it's easier to write this way, but it adapts just as easily into third person.

So what do you think?

P.S. Ignore the quality/quantity of the samples, they're just that, I whipped them up in about forty-five minutes (as a sort of exercise for myself more than anything).

First of all, this is very good - I'm really intrigued by this story even with these few paragraphs.

It's always a tough one to answer, first or third person. On just a cursory read the paragraphs written in the third person grabbed my attention more as they seem to have more description in and seem to generally flow better but, as you pointed out, that's probably because you've mainly written in the third person in the past.

I would say write in whichever one feels more right for the story. First person does have the benefit of being able to transpose aspects of the person's character into the narrative, just don't forget your descriptions, as you've put some good descriptive stuff in your third person paragraphs.

I hope that’s of some help and I look forward to seeing more of this story.

Aleana

I think that I am going to go with first person, at least for the time being, I can always change as I go along. I think that part of the reason for the greater detail in the second examples is partly because I wrote them second.

I'm not intending to go into too much detail on other people - Teavie will learn things through the exposition of other characters. I'm also keen to try writing in first person as it's not usually the style I use. I want a challenge and I'm a sadist. ;)

I'm afraid i can't say anything more than aleana already has.

Your story is good, can't wait to read more, and both perspectives work well, but in the end, it's about which one you are more comfortable with, and which one conveys the information of your story better.

It is a toughie - I've always written 3rd person out of habit, too, and i find it's much better because you can change character perspective more easily. However, when i read a passage out to my writing group they said that i needed to find a better way to present the information (I'd written about an A4 page describing a castle!) and suggested getting a character to lead the reader through it. I tried it in first-person and it suits the story much better, despite it being perfectly valid in third.

I always like playing around with third person myself, i change the persective however as you have indeed done in yours. I prefer to write speciffically in 3rd person 1st perspective simply because it is like being a live recorder in someones head and being played back. In short you get all of thier thoughts and emotions and are still seperate, you are not as bound to them so it is easy (if you wish) to change to either a different perspective for a short time or indeed a different character. In the end it comes back to what you are more comfortable with, thats all.

hope this helps.

GC