Okat to understand my situation you'll have to have some very basic family history

my gran (my mum's mum) is not a nice person....to put mildly half the time she does not acknowlege that my mum exists...literally.

anyway about 40 years ago my gran and grandad L (or the major as I like to call him :D ) devorced because...well...she's not nice. Anyway she told her children the the major didn't want them anymore and it was all my mum's fault anyway. my mum has suffered years of emotional abuse from my gran, as have I and the rest of my family. about 5 years ago mum had had enough and she did one of the bravest things that she has ever done. She sent the major a post card saying she would like to get in touch. The major respoded with absoloute joy. It turns out that he had a signed letter from gran saying that neither she or the kids wanted anything to do with him. this is bad enough.

what makes it worse is that we didn't get to see any member of that side of the family, including my auntie joan, who lives in norfolk. as such we have missed out on getting to know her.

she has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. she has three months.

because of this, for the first time in my life, I hate my gran beyond words. I used to think she was merely contemptable but now... hate. don't know how to describe how much...hate. It was bad enough stealing all that time between my mum and her dad but auntie joan is such a lovely person and because of that fucking woman we have not had a chance to get to know her well at all.

as such I want to take a blunt knife and explain paitently...over a few months... why this is bad.

hate.

is this really all that wrong?

I believe that Love and Hate are the strongest words that a person can use. Two words that shouldn't be used in someones everyday vocabulary. You shouldn't say that you love somebody if you don't mean it. You shouln't say that you hate somebody unless you mean it.

It isn't wrong to love somebody and it definitly isn't wrong to hate somebody. Sometimes we even hate the people we love. And even though we know its wrong, sometimes we get wrapped up in our emothins so much that it drives us to have thoughts about killing, others, maybe even ourselves.

I can't say that I know EXACTLY how you feel, but I know what that kind of anger and sadness feels like, I've had plenty of my own. I don't think your wrong for feeling how you feel, I don't know everyones side to your story but just judging from what I've heard, I think you have the right to be angry and know that I'm here If you feel like talking to me.

my thanks.

ordinarily i would agree with your assesment because of love and hate. however my family dinamic teaches that you love family unconditionally and you treat those few friends that you love like family. My gran is not family, she lost that a long time ago. My aunt joan is because she is the major's sister. simple.

can you understand that at all?

Yes, and its unfortunate that you have lost some much time with your aunt. Me and my mother used to be close, but long since before I was born, she's had an alchohol problem and I eventually had to go live with my father. Although my situation isn't much like yours, I understand what it's like to be unable to see family, I feel angry because my mom isn't here to help me through my teen years. If I were wiser then i'd be able to offer more wisdom but all I know is what I've learned, but I think it's important to really listen and hear what people are saying beacause we can all learn from each other. I wish you and your family luck and hope that someday you and your aunt get the opporitunuty to be aquainted.

someday we will, of that i have no doubt.

I am not longer a teen and am strangley disconnevted from my memories as a teen because they were so...painful, bitter maybe?

I thought I was unhappy once because I had so many questions and couldn't find the answers, now though I realise that it's about the questions having no answer or at least a different answer for everyone.

If you want my story of my strange life in full, ask someone else or read in in TTTS. Trust me on four things though.

1.I understand the futility of hate
2. i have had an...interesting time and have learned from it (ask TF)
3. I am not given to hate in any shape way or form
4. It disturbs me that I can, which I think is the point of this thread. I am disturbed because I hate, When I have never hated.

to feel the way you do is PERFECTLY healthy... acting on it would not be - that is simple and, I believe, understood at this point.

i must agree with three on that

*holds rusty knife*

can't i even hurt her just a little?

No, no you can't. Hit walls, or cushions. Tear up newspapers. All that sort of thing helps. That way you're letting out your destructive engeries without doing something thats likely to land you in prison. I know it's not that same, but as much as some people deserve it sometimes, it's just not worth it.

your going to make me behave aren't you?

All of us are going to make you behave because we don't want you locked up.

:D :P :) :rolleyes:

GRRRRR!!!!

s'not fair!

Damn right you're gunna have to behave mister. Unless you want me to beat you up, which you know I can do with ease...

LMFAO

I wouldn't laugh. You know I've beaten you up before. Or have you blocked the 6th form incident from your mind?

serveral times.

besides 1. i don't hit girls. 2. i dont hit the ones i love. 3. I don't hurt my family (or i try not to)

so im afraid that your safe on all three counts sweetling

im afraid im not going to be online much over the next week or so.

My aunt died this morning.

goodbye.