The New Thing to Say

Prelude

He was funny.

A lot of people would say that he was funny, that he could make them laugh until their sides hurt. They would say that he was bright, that he was good, and they would count him among the most entertaining of their friends.
But that’s the thing about masks, Will thought as he moved towards his lecture, at some point, and you don’t know when, you stop wearing them and instead they wear you. They leave nothing underneath after a while. Only the mask.
Even here he held that mask close and it had cost him, with almost everyone he had ever known or dated, it had cost him. Almost, and that was the source of his happiness as he moved to his lecture hall, almost everyone saw the mask.
Most of his friends he knew thought that all he wanted from a girl was one thing and that fell primarily between her legs. All they saw was the sarcastic humorous man that held bitterness barely in check. The truth was that he had not been that in a long time, the bitterness had melted over time, to give way first to a resignation, then a quiet joy at what he had.
On the surface, which was what most people saw, he had changed little, but inside he had left behind self pity and with it most of the pain and all the bitterness. He looked similar to what he had before though. When he bothered to shave (as he had today) he looked very much like he once had, with the exception of a new coat. His hair was still unkempt, his eyes would still size you up, and though obviously no longer like a ghost he sometimes still, in rare moments, faded into the background.
But everything had changed, he felt true transcendent joy now, his past though never truly buried had lost the pain and now he could only look back and feel a mild regret. His shoulders were straighter; the weight of his own personal world had left them. Hs smiled, laughed, ran, he sung, and oh he sung so terribly that it would make a deaf man scream in pain. He still sang though.
As he found his room, he realized he was early and quietly, with the ease of long practice he opened the door without a sound he eyes found immediately the main reason that this change had been kept, but not why it was possible. Her eyes were blue, blue of the summer sky, of fragile crystal, and a million other things besides.
Other people might look at other things on this woman, they might notice first her smile, beautiful and welcoming when it was released or the small glasses that perched, almost jokingly, on her nose but for him it was her eyes. Her name was Cat.
So much could be seen in those crystal depths as her eyes found his. In them was promise of peace, the slight glint of her humorous nature and the frank unabashed way that she looked at the world. Not least of all in them was love and her eyes, and his, shone with it. Stars seemed to play in her eyes as he gazed into them. The look was intensely personal and he saw someone look away, red, at what was read in them, not because their was something dirty in their depths but because they were intruding in on and being completely ignored by two people in love at the same time.
As Will moved to sit beside her was smiling to himself, because he was who he was, and because his life had taken him here.
He almost laughed at the irony of university now, he was an English student and had always believed in the power of words and yet, in that look was more words than could ever be written and many things understood. Least of those things was that she saw behind the mask to the quiet lonely child beneath and she loved him.
In short William James Knell had fallen in love for the second time in his life and he gave his entire being to it, as was his way in such things. It completely mystified him, but it was fair to say that he was very happily mystified. She had given him something, he thought, or found something in him long buried. It was not the obvious thing that could bring sniggers from corners of darkened rooms. Truth to tell he did not know what it was lightness? An easing of burdens maybe?
He did not probe the thought, not because he was afraid but simply because he did not care. All he knew that the hand resting on his, right then, in that very moment was not only the most important thing in the world to him, but was also a symbol of how much he was loved and not only by her.
As for carnal things, how could he explain it to someone else? That was almost immaterial, because he had forgotten so much, he had forgotten how far a touch, a caress, a sigh could go and how deep. Words form in his head.

“In deep mourning darkness, my soul wept,
My soul wept for the world lost and the boy incomplete,
And, after a time even as my body moved,
My soul went to sleep.

Nothing more than physical release was found,
Buried memories of love,
Left in the ground,
And I Knew not the power of sound.

But I have been raised from the shadows deep,
And now both my body and my soul,
Into sunlight creep,
No more to sleep.

And sound holds the world in its palm
In a those beautiful moments are no harm,
But deep glorious healing,
Thanks to you love,
This man is complete”


He did not say them to her though; no words were needed with her because she already knew. Even here the whole world was her look, her touch and her sigh.

There, because he was complete as anyone can be at one time, he smiled away any shadows in the room knowing that such things were immaterial in his world and in his earnest face was one single thought.

With this woman my soul will never again sleep.

He was happy and she was the light.

Bound to each other in thought and touch they both were free.

Incredible stuff, GC. Everyone has one Magnum Opus in them - looks like you've just started your second!

*bow*

Chapter 1

He stroked her hair. That was all he could manage in the candlelight, he could not speak, not yet, it was too soon after their love making and he still had a way to travel yet, back from the place of touch and sound and back to the world of men.
As always with her he felt like he was glowing, as if warmth had spread from his heart to cover him from head to toe. He was content in these moments after, as he was content nowhere else. He was an island in the quiet sea with her beside him.
“Do you want to talk about it” she asked, her voice betraying only a slight German accent and his heart went out to her. It seemed he was far enough, just far enough, to shake his head and whisper one word
“No” and he knew how much it hurt her, but he would never lie to her, he couldn’t, not now or ever. How could he explain though and what would she think of him if he did talk about it.
The truth was that the act of love making even with her, carried him farther away from everyone he knew and though that in it’s self was not a bad thing, the beginning of it was. How could he explain? There was a wall in him, which was so old, so entrenched that even with her the first moments were a terrifying struggle with him, worse they were a pain. How could he explain to the woman he loved that her very touch hurt him?
How could he tell her that dark thing, that last thing and the reason behind it and not break. He might one day, but not yet, oh not yet. Please not yet. Let memory bury it, let memory take it down deep where he didn’t have to think about it. Let memory take it to a place where he didn’t have to tell the one thing that he hadn’t told anyone else and she didn’t have to see what it had done to him.
“You love me don’t you?” she asked and it was such a small voice that asked, such a child’s voice, from this woman and it was so full of anxiety and worry.
“Of course I do Cat, I love you….so much” he finished lamely because it seemed how much he loved her and how deep her eyes took him couldn’t really be explained either.
She turned to look at him and he saw her take the pain she felt and hide it from him, hide it so that she might not hurt him as he had inadvertently hurt her. God how he loved this woman! He didn’t know how he could express it beyond stroking her dark brown hair and whispering the words over and over.
Seeing her beautiful naked body in the candle light he marvelled not only at her beauty outside but also her beauty inside and was shocked to realise just how strong and yet how weak it was. He smiled at her and kissed her nose, just once. Then he had to laugh at the expression on her face, he just couldn’t help it and she gave him a playful slap on his arm, and he just laughed all the louder at the chagrin on her face.
“Stop it! It’s rude to laugh at a girl when she’s naked!”
He kissed her “Do you forgive me?” he asked a smile still on his face but the laughter stilled.
“Always” she paused that tell tale glint coming into her eye “even when you’re being stupid”
“Even then?” he asked, his face a mock up of pure innocence
“Especially then” she said and the, oh then, she began to laugh and it seemed that he had to laugh too.
And then he kissed her and he felt the wall, but like her he was careful to disguise it. As the kissing increased she began to touch him and he fingers felt like acid on the skin. Was there no release even in this? Was there no end to the past?
And then the world blurred as he was past the wall and all he felt was the softest of touches, of caresses as her smile and her eyes led him down, deeper than sex and further than love. Down so deep that he lost his name, that everything but the candlelight their bodies lost all meaning. He lost time and pain, he lost memories and he lost hope she was everything, she was all. With the softest of sighs he left the world of men behind.

It was much later, very much later when they both stretched again contently and she nuzzled his neck.
“Do you have to go?” she asked her voice was light and her eyes playful
“I don’t have to” he said seriously, holding her closer. Such eyes she had, their were worlds in them.
“Don’t be silly, you have to go home, your family need you and you distract me from my work” she said
“Is that all I am then? A distraction?” he asked
“Of course” said with an absolutely straight face
“My heart aches from your loving sentiment”
“I’m glad”
“I’m glad to” he replied impishly
“Good” she paused “Your family love you and they need you in their lives whether they know it or not. You need to go because they need you”
“I need you”
“And I’m here, I’m always here.”

He made her breakfast the way she liked it the next morning, startling her flatmates when the walked into the kitchen in just a towel they blushed and he smiled.
He opened her door and quietly, as he had once been taught, he moved to the side of her bed and gently, oh so gently, placed the food on her lap. He leaned over for a passionate kiss, which of course woke her up.
“You know one day you will have to explain exactly how you do that”
“Do what?”
“Move so quietly, I mean I’m not exactly a heavy sleeper and you still manage to not wake me”
“Trade secrets” he relied mysteriously with a little smile of his own
“Secrets? From me?” she even managed to sound shocked
“We have all the time in the world to talk about this love” She smiled at him a little smile all of her own
“That’s right. We have all the time in the world” she paused “And I like the way that that word sounds on your tongue
“Which word was that beloved?” he asked completely at a loss
“There you go again, ‘love’ and ‘beloved’, it sounds so good coming so freely from your lips”
“Should I not say what I feel?”
“Am I that special to you?” she said in a girlish voice
“You’re the most special person in the entire world to me” and that it seemed was exactly what she wanted to hear, and soon he was spiralling down again and again, into the world that had no name.
When he could, finally, think again he would realise how little he understood women and he knew that he never would, but that was okay too.

As always GC you are a fantastical writer. What's really nice about reading this is that it reflects you and I know from that how much happier you are. : )

Figured as much. ;)



What I love about your writing is the passion in the words. Anybody can be descriptive, but your works can be truly moving. This is probably because you relate so closely to the character but the reader can really FEEL what William Knell feels. Any luck getting the first one published?

still workin on it
*bows to the beautiful dragonlady*

Thank you my friend and welcome back.

You have been missed.

Wow- so much changes... don't know why took so long to read that.. as always v moving,. takes you to be a fly on the wall... as if you're there...
well written. yes get first one published!

Chapter 2
When he went home he visited Jon among others. The last year had been kind to his long term friend and any bitterness Will thought about him was gone, because he couldn’t be bitter. It was not in him.
His friend’s eyes had gained a new appreciation of life and his smile was quicker than before, he seemed more at ease with who he was and will heartily approved. He had a suspicion of a woman at work in his friend’s life and if that was the case Will approved of the changes that caused his friend such happiness.
He knew about changes like that though, he couldn’t honestly tell you when the changes started in him, they were so gradual that Will was surprised now that he didn’t mind the face he saw in the mirror. He didn’t like it, he wouldn’t go that far, but he didn’t mind it and that by any stretch of the imagination and that for him was a huge stretch from what he once was. He was broken out of his reflection by Jon’s voice
“My game” he said, holding the pool cue so casually that it was almost enough to make Will laugh. There was no need to explain that it was mostly, not all, but mostly luck that had won Jon the game. Jon didn’t know yet about Cat, some things were his, only his, for now at least. I f he had known he would be happy for Will, he knew. Will wanted to savour the feeling for a while yet though.
“Luck” was all that Will said. There was no need to say it, but friendship, Will reflected, was nothing without honesty.
Jon just laughed.

It seemed in that moment, standing there in the quiet pub in which they were playing pool, that Will saw time stop it’s stately pace and move back, just a few short years, to when they were teenagers again and they had been out every other week doing this, before they had all left for university, before everything that had happened in his life since and he smiled slightly at the memory.
They had been hard years for him, hard ones, but good on reflection. Catrina (Cat) was always telling him that he took things too seriously and he could see now what she meant. Maybe it was being a teenager, maybe it was just him, but in those last years before they had both left he seemed to have ignored the good times, too wrapped up in personal pain to see what a support (a flawed human one maybe, but a support nonetheless) his friend and other friends had been. Most of all it seemed that he had ignored what a joy he had been and still was for that matter.

“All too true” Jon replied
“Well at least you have the good sense to admit it”
“Me?” he sounded shocked “Good sense? What planet have you been living on?”
“Fair point”
“Bastard” Jon smiled as he said it though “another game?”
“Sure”
Will proceeded to own his friend at pool in no uncertain terms because friendship was one thing, pool was quite another. One did have to keep One’s priorities after all.
“Bastard” he said again, in answer to Will’s cocky grin.

After they had got the score about even, both Will and Jon decided, without a word expressed, that they would sit down and have a nice long chat.
“So how’s Kelly?” Will asked
“Don’t know. Haven’t really seen her but I think she’s okay, the new collage course she’s on keeps her busy.
“How are you anyway?”
“Good”
Will smiled a small smile “That’s good”
That was the thing about people that had been friends for so long, there was a comfortable silence among them that surpassed words and Will was not shocked to realise that there was almost no other place that he would rather be. Then he thought about Catrina’s ace and he knew, despite everything, that there was one place that he’d rather be.
Will enjoyed the easy silence to this part of his life. After everything that he had been through he knew how to enjoy these quiet moments because life, whether good or bad, like the wind, will soon change direction again.
“How is Gemz?”
“Haven’t you heard?” asked Jon
“Not really no. If you haven’t noticed I’ve been out of touch for a while.”
“Chris was saying….” Jon began
“Stop right there because I don’t really need to know” there was a small flash in Will’s grey-blue eyes, a memory of the darkness in him that was held in check only by the fragile chains of love. As ever though those chains remained firm and unbreakable.
Will and Jon shared a look and it was deep and the memories behind it were almost painful. The truth was that Jon, unlike Will, had not yet surrendered his friendship to Chris, but this was understandable. When it came down to it Will was not a lenient or forgiving man and he had known Chris longer.
The man was an idiot, worse than that; all he wanted to do it seemed was cause pain and misery for those that he called his fiends. He seemed to enjoy watching them squirm under accusations, sometimes true, mostly false that he made. What made it worse was the fact that he normally said it behind the back of that person. Will knew why as well, he did it to excuse his own flaws but did not excuse what he did, it simply caused pity.
If Will had it in him to hate, he would hate Chris, he would replay every insult, every snide remark and every innuendo with the point of his knives. Will was smart enough to know, even now, that a part of him wanted to do just that and that it was only the fact that this part was small, very small, and that he had controlled it for years now that he did not.
Will also knew that generally, he was not a good man, he had too many bad habits, he drank too much, smoked and swore and he had no tact. He was a man in love though and that counted for something, it had to. There was also the fact that his moral code, though complex, was unbreakable. Though he had been many things that were inappropriate to say the least and done many more his morals always guided him. This was the problem he knew, because every time he broke them to do these things the guilt simply dragged him deeper into them. It was only in the past two years that this had changed but he was glad for it, his morals were still their, but he no longer felt guilt over bending a few of them now and again, not because he liked it, bur simply because he knew that he was human and humans failed.
Sometimes humans failed badly and disliked it; sometimes they failed because they could never really have won. Sometimes, just sometimes, people failed and were happier in their failure because they failed, because it reaffirmed in some indefinable way what they were.
Gemz was a friend to them both and in the look that they both shared then it was accepted that it was none of their business whatever it was, because if it was important they would either know it already or be told by Gemz in her own time.

Of Chris not a word was spoken.

Jon smiled and Will simply nodded, because friendship, like all forms of love, could never be described.

It was only in the past two years that this had changed but he was glad for it, his morals were still there, but he no longer felt guilt over bending a few of them now and again, not because he liked it, but simply because he knew that he was human and humans failed.

and it's WEIRD that you call me Kelly, cos as I said before she always has her name confused with mine at school and vice versa. Even at college!!!

and do I know this Chris?

I can't remember who chris is. Nice to see one of the principal characters back, though *coughjoncough*

Btw, when do i get to beat you at pool again? I lost back on my b'day drinkup - i need revenge

Chris= richard

Ah, yes, i remember.

Im confused. You went from ch 1 to ch 3....where's ch 2

typing error, that is chapter 2

Ooooh, I get a mention again! How exciting! What has Richard been telling you about me then, eh? Glad to see that I'm back in the story, and that me and your new lover are the only ones who don't get our names changed. Are we not special enough then, eh?

J/k! Great, as always, and I can't wait for the third chapter. Go-go-gadget typing!

actually you special enough NOT to get your name changed

my 'new lover' and i are engaged!!!!!

third chapter should b done some time 2nite

as 4 richard he's just being a (snip - TF). I hardly even listen anymore.

Awww, yey, I'm special! *giggles*

Oh, do tell me what he was saying. I'm so intrigued. And yes, you told me over the phone that you were engaged, and I said congratualtions then, so I'm not saying it again :P

Just make sure I'm invited to the wedding, m'kay?

it wouldn't be a wedding without you!

as for what he said... i'll tell you in detail some other time but basically it involved a friend of yours in a wheelchair and your sexual orientation.

none of his, or my business.

besides if you wanted me to know anything about anything you'd have told me already.

I'm bisexual, big wow. And my mate in a wheelchair? That's Joey, the one thats dying, so if he wants to come and talk to me about it, I'll tell him where to stick his (snip - TF)opinions. Stupid knob. How (snip - TF)dare he... I'll kill him, I really will... *fumes*

Can I watch you hurt him....../ restrain YOU from a prison sentence?

*snarls* You can try... (snip - TF)! I will stop swearing soon, I promise...

Thats fine dearest..... it's what im here for remember.

i DID yell at him a bit.....

So what was actually said, because I'd like to know. You know me, most things are like water off a duck's back, so i might be getting angry for no real reason... but still... grrrr...

he made a stupid joke about you falling in love with an ugly girl in a wheelchair.... then he laughed.

sorry.

(snip - TF). Absolute (snippety snip - TF). I'm too angry for words now, I really am.

welcome to my life with that (snip - TF)

the real third chapter


Chapter 3
He was dreaming he knew this as easily as he knew his own name. If he looked behind him he could see his body laid out in sleep, he would see his messy room and the world which, at this moment, he had left behind. He didn’t look back though. There was something far more interesting in front of him.
He looked into those dark eyes that stared back at him and smiled a small whimsical smile that embodied love, pain and, most of all, an aching cord of loss.
“You’re dead” he said quietly to Rachel, to the woman who had first held him close, to the woman who had kept the world and all it’s vileness at bay. To Rachel, his first in many things.
“I always did pick the smart ones” and she smiled too, but that smile did not reach her eyes. She held out her arms and he hugged her, almost becoming the boy she loved again, almost.
“Why are you here?” he said when he stood back
“You tell me” she touched his cheek with her hand
“What do you mean?”
“I’m dead and you are dreaming. This is your dream isn’t it?”
“You’re not really here are you?” and there was still pain it seemed and regret, enough to drown everything if it so chose.
“Nope”
“So I am going insane” he laughed as he said it though and that was the important thing.
“Silly boy” she whispered and the look in her eyes as she said it was so strange, so powerful, that he thought he might just be fifteen again.
“Tell her” an abrupt change in the conversation, so abrupt, and she held him there motionless, not judging, never judging but holding him all the same.
“I can’t” the sound was almost ripped from him, a note of utmost pain against the song that played, that always seemed to play among the two of them. “I couldn’t even tell you for God’s sake”
“The wall. Tell her.”
The fear, oh the fear that came with that idea. He felt the panic rush up on him like an animal, he almost wanted to run. He wanted to scream to keep away from that knowledge at any cost. He forced it back, keeping the wall and the memory behind it away.
“Don’t do that” she sighed “You’re not ready yet are you? To face what the wall is?” She looked closely at his face seeing that abject terror there and the fear. “No, your not”
“Please don’t do that” he whispered
“What?”
“Analyse me” he said quietly
She paused “There was another reason that I came her you know”
“What now” he was a little exasperated, he didn’t like being given riddles. In all honestly they annoyed the hell out of him. Unless he made them of course, then it was okay.
“It’s okay” she paused “You and her…. It’s okay” and she said it with such a tender look and with such a smile that he feared that his heart might break because of the amount of emotion in him on such small fragile points in his soul.
His hand reached out and slowly moved as if to brush her face. In that simple gesture the memory of their entire relationship was made clear. They were not allowed the one thing that both their souls craved.
That was the thing about William Knell, he could give love albeit grudgingly and behind a lot of sarcasm and a great deal of curses, he always found it hardest though, not only to show that love normally, but to accept love that was given to him.
“You’re not her are you?” he asked in a small timid voice
“No”
“What are you then?” he asked his face somewhat hurt
“A ghost... A memory? I don’t really know, except that I’m a part of you” she held his eyes with her own and he knew what was coming before she said it.
“And you don’t really need me any more” she continued
“No” he said “No, you don’t really mean that”
“Yes I do and as I’m a part of you, you know it too”
“Why do you have to go?” he asked in such a small, tiny voice.
“Because I’m not helping you any more”
“Not helping…..what do you mean?”
“I mean that you let me go at my grave” she smiled and softly, oh so softly, touched his hand “and now you have to let me go again”
“Why?” anguish, it was that simple.
“Because you don’t need me anymore”
“I always need you” was his simple reply
“No you don’t and it wouldn’t be good if you did.”
“But I love you!” and it was true, a part of him would always love Rachel no matter where he was, what he was doing or who he would become.
“I think we both know that I loved you too”

Then he woke up.

He was ill again for the next three days, it was strange that after all of the things that he had been through, after everything that had happened, his illness still took him regularly.
This time was a bad one and he stayed in his room for four days as the agony of his illness ripped through him so thoroughly that even now with everything good that was going on in his life that was good, he wished for death.
He had very few coherent memories of the attack because it was a bad one, what he remembered most was that his itunes was playing extremely loud and he had a pillow clamped around his mouth to stifle the screams of pain and catch the tears that fell in the attack.
He also remembered throwing up more than anything; he even threw up when there was nothing left in his stomach to expel. He became nothing more than a shivering hollowed out shell of himself. He did not see Cat in that time, he would not allow himself to be seen because he could not bear at this moment, sharing the pain that he went through with her. He did not want to put her through the helplessness that these attacks caused and though she knew about them she did not know that they could get this severe and, as always in their relationship, he hid that fact not because he wanted to lie to her but simply because they had a history of each protecting the other.

He knew she’d probably figure it out anyway.


But for now he want too focused as he gave serious thought to jumping out the window to end the pain.

Ooooh, that doesn't sound good.

you know i get ill remember?

you just proably didn't realise how much.

s'all rite though it only happens every couple of months and it ranges anything from a migrane and throwing up to what i have just described

Shit dude. I had no idea. *huggles*

*huggles back*

Excellent chapter, GC.

And btw, I had to do a lot of tidying up of your posts, Gems and GC. I realise you're angry, Gems - after reading about what Richard said, so am I - but this is a family problem. In future, PM each other - then you can swear as much as you like :P

Chapter 4
He was being stoked by the tenderest of hands and yet again he couldn’t come back far enough, he was scaling the wall still. She didn’t know yet, she still hadn’t been told about the Wall, but she wasn’t stupid. She knew there was something in him, she knew that their was pain in whatever stopped him. She didn’t push him on it though, she just stoked his cheek. The warmth from that repetitive movement kept him in the all encompassing circle of her body and he felt the tears almost swamp him, but he held them back. He held them back not because he couldn’t cry but because he still wasn’t far enough back to do something so complicated yet.
He was so far way from everything at this moment; he was away in the world in a way that defied description, that was so far beyond words that he knew what a mockery it made of letters and language. A man could say I love you to a thousand women yet have it mean nothing, it was not the words that were important but the emotion expressed in them and in every single thing that you did. At the end of the day that, not your words, was what counted the most in life and love.
He was so weak; literally, his illness had left him so tired. It didn’t help that they had just made love; it wasn’t that he disliked it, it was simply that now he was even more tired than he was before. His body felt like a stream truck had run over it, then reversed, several times. A small grown escaped his lips and Catrina looked at him.
That gaze was so encompassing, so complete, that Will could feel the tenderness and the worry that came from the look in all encompassing waves.

The bacon sizzled in the pan and the smell of it was almost too much for Will’s bruised and battered stomach. His mouth began to water at the mere smell of it. He groaned as he finished his smoke outside and realised that although it was wonderful to get a cooked breakfast, it was not wonderful to have to smell it in his weak and starved condition.
“That’s not good for you Y’know” Will turned and saw Catrina behind him. He shouldn’t have turned though, at least not as quickly as he had. Dizziness swamped him and he staggered. His leg buckled and he knew that he was about to fall only to be half caught by Catrina and, of course, the nearest wall. He smiled even though she frowned at him.
“Don’t even start dear one” he said but his tone carried the weight of a question. Not now, oh please my love, not now…
“Let’s get you inside” was all that she said, but volumes were spoken in the inflection of those words and he knew that he had not put off his scolding for long. “You are an idiot you know that?”
“Yes. I am well aware of the fact the my stupidity can be counted more times than the stars” He said it with a smile but she would not allow the mood to be lightened
“You have to go again” Not quite a question, not quite a statement but he answered it anyway.
“Yeah Jon would get lonesome without me” and he still held the smile, that superficial bright smile which so many could not look beyond, that formed a barrier to his soul for most. Not for her, he reminded himself again, there were almost no barriers for her and he resolved that before the end of this year there would be none.
This did earn a smile, such a bright one, if only for a moment, and it seemed that she was changing the subject.
“You love him don’t you?” Seeing his look she added “I didn’t mean that you’re in love with him, just that you love him “
At this he relaxed into the chair that she had half carried him, wiping a hot hand over his sweat soaked brow and his eyes had seemed so confused only moments before soften into full trust.
“Of course I do, he his closer to me than I can ever explain. He is closer than a brother, closer than blood. He has seen me at my worst”
“And probably at your best” She interrupted softly he nodded and then continued
“He is the best of what I once could have become, he has seen things that for people his age might be considered….I don’t know……dark?...... Twisted? Yet he has remained relatively uncorrupted” he paused showing a wolf like grin “Except by me of course” his smile faded “Seriously though, he is the best of friends and the best of men mainly because he keeps, in some respects that which I’ve lost”
“And what is that?” she asked
“My innocence” he laughed “If he was a knight, he would be Galahad, the purest and truest”
“And you would be…..hmmmm” she thought about it, her eyes sparkling “Lancelot, yes that’s it Lancelot”
“I hardly consider myself Jon’s father” there was a bitter twist in that memory, of father’s outliving their sons and of graveside visits and bitter tears.
“No but you’re flawed, honourable, beautiful, good and loving but flawed”
“Thanks oh so much” Now she laughed and looked to the heavens it seemed
“How can one so smart be so stupid?” The heavens of course did not answer, but then, they rarely did.
“Jon uses his innocence to help him. You have a heavy burden, my flawed champion, because you know how flawed the world is and you are, but you do the right thing anyway” she kissed him “That is only part of why I love you”
He arched an eyebrow “Oh really?” not realising that she had tricked him of course
“If you hold him so dear why doesn’t he know how ill you get?”
“He knows that I get ill, we don’t worry about the details though”
“They should. You should”
“I’m strong enough dear one” he said, a note a confidence, unfelt mostly, in his voice. He would not go back to the doctors for anything; he would not visit those faceless, nameless people that seemed to cause more pain than anything else.
“Oh really?” Sarcasm laced her voice, as sharp as bright, bright, daggers “Well you’re as weak as a two day old kitten and you know it”
He had nothing to say to that it seemed, I mean he really couldn’t say anything to that, because anything he did say would have been a lie and to her he would not lie.
“How does he know about it anyway?” she asked
“I wrote a story with it in once, I kind of glossed over it, but it’s there” he paused “It’s really more about my life than anything else”
“May I read it?” she asked in a small voice
Will was truly torn, because as much as he wanted to be completely honest with Cat he knew what most girls, especially his girlfriends reactions were to his past, because of Rachel, because of what he had felt for her and in that story he was brutally honest almost about his life, his state of mind, his friends and most of all his love for the dead girl that had been his wife in everything but name. To show her it now would mean opening her up to everything but the Wall and that was a very risky business he knew. What if she couldn’t handle it? What if he was left alone again? He didn’t think that he could handle that.
Looking into her face though, he knew that any thought he had of refusing was lost, so utterly lost, as he looked in to the face that marked his heart and his soul, whose smile could banish shadows and whose eyes had stars.
So “Sure” was all he said, though his fear never left him, he buried it in the bravery that she believed he had and the strength that her love gave him.

After she had read it (and he felt like he was on hot coals all the time) she turned to him, so slowly, and those eyes worked their magic again. It seemed that she ran into his arms repeating one phrase over and over.
“Oh Will, Oh Will” she whispered past the tears. He didn’t cry though, he had shed those tears a long time ago. After a time he asked one of the questions he feared to ask
“You don’t think that I don’t love you do you?”
“Should I?” she asked with, what he was shocked to hear, was surprise
“No” he said forcefully, he had loved Rachel, but that part of his life was buried and gone, it belonged to a different time.
“Then why worry?” she asked the tears tracing soft patterns down her cheeks
“You don’t think I’m bad? That I’m horrible do you? You won’t leave me?” and there it was, the hardest questions, the deepest questions. He bared his fragile soul to Cat in that moment and she loved him for it.
“Silly Boy” she said and smiled. After a time it seemed that he could smile too and that the tears could stop as she led him to their bed, not to have sex, but simply to feel each others bodies in the dark. The Warmth of skin against skin, bound in love with their souls reaching out past those fragile shells glorying in each other.

Interlude

Love is a beautiful thing, it can lift us higher than we are have ever been before, it can make colours bright and dazzling, it can turn a dreary day to the most beautiful one that you ever could remember.
It holds the promise of all of our days and all our nights, yet though it is beautiful and though we long for it when we find it we are held by fear as well as love. This was the twin ambivalence that my mind was in at this time.
I face my death every time I have an…episode for lack of a better term and every time I have felt that this time, it could be my last and I have laughed it off, I have cried it off and I have fought it off, because I never fought for myself, I fought to spare others pain and if I failed, well, that was okay because I had tried and I honestly believed that it would not have been a regret.
Love changes it though. I feel my death creep on me as every episode lasts just a little longer, or every episode hurts just a little bit more. Whether this is the case or whether it is just my mind playing tricks is beside the point. I feel my death, in every irregular beat of my heart, in every pain filled tear and every suppressed sob. I feel death’s cold hands on my soul slowly dragging me away and up to this point I didn’t rightly mind.
Now I do. Now I’m in love and I find myself wondering, by what right do I drag my love into this place of half death and very real pain? By what right am I keeping the one person who means everything stuck in that hellish moment where all her fears and pains are for me, worse than that, because of me?
I sigh inside as I realise the answer. Love, it’s always love and there is the rub, I love Cat and I need her in more senses than I could ever explain, no words encompass how much I do. Need and love, love and need.
I was never bothered before because I had so little to loose, except my life which was such a small thing, now I have my love and a joy and a burden it is.

One thought now plays in my mind, right or wrong I cannot ask her to leave, indeed I would fight for her love and everything that represents and she too is bound by love and so she stays.

Darkest of dark thoughts though, what if I die now and dear God what if she has to see it?
I never cared before because I had nothing to loose, now I have everything and I am afraid.

Will.

Chapter 5
They were in the student union bar, himself and Cat, enjoying a quiet drink, not only that but as always, they were simply enjoying each others company. He was holding her hand and she was holding his, he head resting softly against his head as they talked and laughed and smiled. In Short Will was at peace, more complete now than at any other time in his life.
He couldn’t help but notice than even at this time of the day there was one part of the S.U. that wasn’t crowded, Simon was sitting by himself and the tables by him were conspicuously empty and he was drinking heavily, no beer, just hard whisky and vodka, one after the other in fast succession. It was not hard to understand, after what he had done, his girlfriend or rather ex-girlfriend now, and the charges. Will sighed, wishing that life was simple, that life was like when you were a child again and shook his head, dislodging Cat from his shoulder.
“What’s the matter?” but he didn’t need to say anything, his eyes that were are sharp as steel marked what he was looking at, as the hunter sometimes marks the prey “Oh..” she whispered “Simon”
“Simon” he said, a growl at the back of his throat and cold, cold anger in his eyes. She sat up, forcing his head to her and as she looked at his face his eyes softened momentarily.
“No” One word, that was all that was said. She could feel him, feel the anger in him caused simply by his existence, she could see that in his normally calm and impassive face their was a fury barely suppressed, a hate barely held in check. It didn’t matter to Will that he knew Alicia, it wouldn’t have mattered if he had, he thought back instinctively to the wall and he felt the gore rise in his throat matching his fury. Abuse, any abuse, was so wrong that he wanted to leap half way across the room and rip the bastard’s throat out.
He saw that she knew and he felt rather than saw through his red misted vision her arm clamp down on his, holding him in place, stopping him, barely, from giving in, for inflicting every mark his hand given her, every degrading comment, every single moment of doubt in herself and every abuse.
Then Simon looked up and saw his stare, he saw the dagger of fury flying straight at him, he saw the righteous anger in those eyes. If looks could kill he wouldn’t just be dead, you would need to give several hundred men weeks to find enough of his body to put in a bloody casket. Simon then began to move towards him and it seemed that every head in the bar turned towards them as he approached, he could almost feel their eyes on them and they all seemed to be thinking one word as he approached, just one which of course was mistake.
“Where is she?” their was anger in that voice and a kind of strength, in that Simon seemed to think that it was impossible for anyone to refuse his question, that he had every right to know where Alicia was.
“And what” Will asked “Makes you think that I will ever tell you?” his voice was quiet, but his eyes still showed the same anger and, quite frankly, Will was extremely impressed that his voice was so quiet and that it was not shaking with the same barely suppressed fury that he felt churning like a wild animal in his gut.
“She is MY girlfriend” he almost screamed, spittle flying from his mouth like a wild dog. Will noticed, slightly bemused, that Simon might have appeared attractive to women if his face was twisted completely by the apparent righteous anger that he felt.
“Ex-girlfriend” Will stated, almost as quietly. Now of course everyone was looking, wondering exactly how far this would end. The tension in the room was almost palatable as was the hatred emanating from the two men.
“Don’t fool around with me” Simon said, truly angry now “Tell. Me. Where. She. Is.” A demand from him, yeah because Will was really going to take that.
“No.” stated with such finality that Simon looked uncertain, or maybe it was simply the fact that he was aware of the fact that Will had a bottle in his hand, that his eyes were not only full of hate, but they seemed to impart only one message give me a reason, give me one fucking reason.
“She needs me” he almost whined.
“Yeah cos I’m sure that she’s missing all the beatings that you’re giving her really. I’m sure she’s somewhere safe thinking “oh I need a black eye today” She is safe and away from you” The anger in his voice was worse than any shout, it was cold as ice and yet as sharp as any blade.
Catrina slipped her fingers around his, because she knew Will too well, she knew that every tendon in his body was stretched like a cord and he would not hesitate to bottle the arrogant son of a bitch right now. Not that she minded, she would tell him later, she simply didn’t think that it was worth going to court over. Not for someone like him.
With a bottle ready for violence in one hand, yet Cat’s gentle reminder in the other that this was not the place. He merely smiled and put the bottle down and began to get up Cat’s hand still in his, to leave this sputtering thing in a hell of it’s own making, and if it followed, well Will did know of several ways to cause extreme pain without leaving any marks. The threat was there, unspoken, hanging between them.
Simon threw up his hands in artful despair and almost screamed “That’s right walk away. I always knew that you were useless… you…you…. Fucking spastic!” If Simon was hoping to get a rise Will thought, he was sorely disappointed as he began to chuckle, no actually, he downright laughed in his face.
“Oh Simon” he said between his laughter “Can’t you think of anything better? I have heard shit like that since I was four years old, get a fucking grip you idiot” and with that he and Cat turned their backs and began to walk away. Even as the bar staff were finally trying to calm him down and make him leave, he would not be quieted so easily though.
“Oh so that’s your game is it!” he said triumphant “One girl not enough for you, I knew you always wanted to fuck her but by God man, don’t you ever get tired?” The insult, aimed at Will, missed its target though and hit someone who would never take that kind of thing. Catrina’s hand left his and she stormed up to Simon. She hit him full in the face, more of a slap than a hit really but everyone in the suddenly quiet bar heard that distinctive sound.
“Don’t you ever, EVER say that about my boyfriend got it? He knows how to treat women….” She looked him straight in the face “unlike some weak boy who only wants to dominate, hurt and humiliate them” Her eyes were anger, her heart was fire and her soul screamed through her mouth. God he loved her
Simon looked like he wanted to hit her and this just made her laugh and it was a harsh, illusion stripping sound. “That’s right hit me, in front of I don’t know how many witnesses and they will tell anyone who asks that I was provoked and...” she paused for added affect “It’s going to look really good that you hit another girl isn’t it if Alicia decides to press charges?” Simon stood open mouthed as the full import of what she had said washed over him. Catrina muttered something as she walked away from him back to Will, something that sound suspiciously like what a dumb-ass.
Will just smirked at Simon and followed his girlfriend out.


When they got back to her room Will almost crushed her pulling her to him as he began to smother her with kisses.
“You were brilliant, bloody brilliant”
“Why thank you” she smiled impishly at him. Then, because someone like Simon, or rather with Simon’s attitudes, affected Will more than he cared to admit, he began to kiss her in a more serious fashion, first on the head, then the mouth, the cheeks, her hands came around his head as he reached her throat with and with a little contented noise in the back of her throat he travelled deeper… because that was what it was about, he wanted to hear her every noise and whimper, not because he enjoyed it (though he did) but because it was a partnership and as he heard those noises and his head went lower he lost himself in the joy of it.

Excellent, GC. Keep it up. The interlude is perhaps your most emotional piece yet, and chapter 5 is a good example of what is so gripping about this story: we always learn something new about the character's world, life and the people he knows in each chapter.

Chapter 6

“Are you okay?” she asked sleepy as he sat on the end of their bed. He looked at the sky through the window; he was so lost in thought that he almost didn’t hear her.
“Mmmm…?” he asked
“Hey” she lightly touched his arm causing shivers to causes goose bumps on his flesh “this is me y’know” and she lightly, only with the tips of her fingers caressed his arm.
“Bad dreams” he sighed “just bad dreams” He smiled at her, the shadows of the night still behind his eyes, the shadow of a wall so dark that when he faced it he would never be the same and he knew, he knew that he would have to face it as well, not for himself (he had been running from it, from the idea of it, all his life) but for the woman sitting next to him in the dark night, for the smile that she gave him that was just his and he tried to give her one back. He failed of course but then, with Cat it was never about actually doing something, only trying.
“I’m not ready to tell…. Not yet” he looked into her eyes and saw the trust their and he was humbled by the depth of it, he was humbled by how much she loved him. “I’m not ready to tell but I will be” She kissed him on the cheek and returned to the bed looking up at him, still with that awe inspiring trust that was rooted in a love so deep that it defied everything that either of them had been through and caused him to feel so safe that he was almost moved to tears.
As you have woke me up could you sing something to me? I want to hear your voice as I sleep. Can I please?” he laughed, what else would he do.
“You know I can’t sing”
“Please?” and it was this question, this plea, that tightened his throat as he fully felt the love in which she had so effortlessly caught him and so, with unshed tears in his eyes for such love, for such a one, he softly sang.

“As I drift slowly awake,
I see the beaten tracks of my home,
The muddy trails of earth and loam,
And all this I take,
Because my home is my own to make.

I feel the earth beneath my feet as I walk,
I see stones skitter from my shoes,
Like tiny meteors they quickly and nosily move.
And my unquiet heart they soothe.

I see the end and the beginning;
I see life’s balance and love’s hope,
In every single blade of grass and leaf on tree.
I see all of life around me.

And as I turn this final corner and see your smile,
no bitter darkness, no denial,
I wonder at the world and see the beauty anew,
As with you I always do.
I also wonder what I did, what I could have done,
to earn the love of someone like you.”

He smiled as he saw that she was asleep and he longed to touch her then, to show her in action what he had just said in words or even lay down and sleep next to her, but he couldn’t sleep, not being who he was and having come so close to understanding the wall, he body was wired for either fight or flight he couldn’t tell. Whatever it was wired for though his body was still wired and so, he quietly got dressed, only causing Cat to move once as she murmured in her sleep (he was pleased to her hear that she murmured his name but now wasn’t the time for that) he turned at the door and looked in the pinkish grey light of the approaching dawn at her face and his heart caught in his throat. She didn’t need to walk where he was about to go, she might want to but he wouldn’t give her the choice. In her sleep she looked so peaceful, like a child, and his heart ached for her then. He wouldn’t lie to her but also he would wake her, not for the world.

As much as he would like to deny it Will knew that there was a part of him, suppressed for a long time, which liked the night and walked in the shadows of the dawn light. There was a part of him which wanted to cause pain to others, not just those that had hurt him but anyone. The dark side of him was normally under tight reign but it never really left. The part of him that was rooted in hate and had the memories of beatings, both given and taken and had carried knives was as much him as the part that remembered Cat’s touch, laughing with Abby, singing with Rupert or hugging Gemz and chatting with Jon. He couldn’t deny that as much as he wanted to and in this morning, because of the wall, because of memories not quite remembered and because of his exhausted state he let, tentatively, that part of him out to play.
Play, that was exactly what it was, he ran, enjoying letting that part of himself free, feeling all the anger and all the rage that he held in check burst free in his voice and the laughter, the freedom, the fun it was….intoxicating and he knew that this, more than anything else was his problem.
Despite the wall, despite all of his emotional problems and his physical ones, his problem was that he was a weak man. Not that he couldn’t take care of himself, no he was weak in the context that he was so weak willed, if he even allowed himself a moment of true anger (as he did now), not just that shadows that passed his defences, he began to wonder why he bothered controlling it at all, he wondered why bothered with anything else at all. He shook his head, trying to clear it, trying once again to bottle his emotions.
He began to slowly suppress his darker nature, knowing the full extent of what he was capable under it’s influence. It felt like there was a door in his mind and he was fighting to, almost literately, stuff that darker part of himself back into it’s suddenly too small room behind that door.
He sighed, when was his life not complicated, but then what was he to expect? He had not led a normal life and it seemed that he paid for every moment he slipped into anger or greed or lust again and again. He smiled a bitter, self mocking smile, once he was told, it was because he was a good person, that the self flagellation was he way of atoning for what he had done, that suppressing the darker side of himself was his own mind stopping a part of him which was caused by the emotional stresses that he had endured and therefore not really him. Did he ever really believe that? He thought not, not really, maybe he had just wanted to believe it, just as he wanted to believe that now he could have a normal life, that he could have a normal girlfriend. What normal boyfriend had nightmares every other night? What normal boyfriend had trouble touching his girlfriend, if only for the first few seconds? What normal boyfriend couldn’t hold more than one drink safely, What normal boyfriend wouldn’t go see the doctor when he was dying……
I am NOT dying he thought, I will not have it, I will not! I don’t know what’s going on, but I do know I’m not dying. It wouldn’t be fair, to have come so close only to die before the end and getting everything that I want.
He was a coward and that was the truth, he loved her, he did, but he couldn’t face the realities of life and so he ran from them. The truth was that the darker side of his nature was a part of him, a part that enjoyed hurting others and causing pain, he couldn’t face that, and the joy he took in that was what caused him to hate himself, to have guilt. Not so much because he was ashamed of what he had done, that could be rationalised away, no it was the fact that he had enjoyed it. Whatever happened now, he promised himself, he would not shape events, he would not be the stone that caused the avalanche, there is too much temptation in those situations and the likely hood would be high of someone getting hurt. William Knell, the coward, who had done so much, would not risk that because he was too self centred on what it might mean for him and because it might allow Cat to see that dark side of him and, more importantly, the joy behind it.
He was a coward he admitted as he headed home. The truth was that he had too much to loose.

I am not dying.

He walked home thinking those four words I am not dying.

He hoped that they were true. He hoped he could see the end of this thing, because there was now so much to love and so much reason to live.

I am not dying.

Harrowing but highly enjoyable. Another section that draws us deeper and deeper into the character's mind. Keep it up!