who dont love death scenes???? muahahahhaa
neways
k this is a scene from a story that im writing where this dude kills his younger brother
itd take to long to explain the plot background but it dont matter im just looking for criticism on style n stuff
told in 1st person from the older bros pov
ohhh and i sorta write mostly everything in poetry form so its a narrative poem/story
He waits in the snow for my attack
or perhaps he hopes to melt into the kin whiteness
slowly with his eyes closed
So I arc my sword upon him
imagining him lying in that snow
in two perfectly equal pieces
It seems like
no matter what, were I even to
hack him into a thousand tiny pieces
he won’t bleed
He’ll just become that many pieces
like sliced cheese, or bread, or a cracked statue
And I see the last look in his eyes that would ever fly out into the world
He looks like
He looks like
like if I were to stop my sword an inch above his head
that he would stand there still
And if I said then, “Beg for your life,”
he would kneel and beg for life
And if I said instead, “Beg for your death,”
he would kneel and beg for death
And even if I said, “Rip a whole in this moment,
and step into another world,
and bring me back the greatest treasure which lies within,”
He would make to do it
So I push the sword down on him, with all my strength, even
as the blade encounters hard resistance,
even
as I hear his skull splinter
even
as I find my face hot with his blood,
even
as I look down at that horrible heap,
a body with a head in two mismatched slices
like a smashed watermelon
not clean
not clean at all
At this moment, I look out across the entire world
and that vision blinks, opens unto a new, deformed reality
A reality so despairingly gray,
long,
cold
That I tilt back my head
to gaze instead at what lies above
Pressing my face against that sky, wondering,
will it suffocate me
for what I have done
.....wow........
its very atmospheric if thats the right word...
it builds up throughout the poem
it also seems very sinister
Very good. Very interesting. I have to say, I've not seen a narrative death scene written in poem form, but it allows us to read the character's every thought and emotion, including hesitations.
I thought the 'even...as I' thing could have been repeated a little too often, but that's only a minor point in an otherwise intriguing and sinister death scene.
*atmospheric
*sinister
they're both right.
Reading it has a real effect on me, well done :)
Thats a really good piece of writing. Disturbing in its intimacy to the event, but really good. I grimaced when he actually killed his brother.
excellent