this is a poem i wrote for school.... i really want opinions on my writing from someone other than my english teacher who says nice things to evry1... i really wanna know if i have any talent whatsoever and if pursing writing isnt a laughable dream...

its a poem about a dystopic sort of place i was imagining, coming out of the book im gonna write someday ^_^

A place
Poised
in liminality,
feeling as though
on the verge of a spectacular climax
growing stronger every second,
but never realizing itself
So only stringing out, on
and on
into the infinite distance
It feels like that there
Like an entire world existing within
one moment of time

Staring out across the earth, he sees
roads and nothing
The air so clear as to bite
but revealing only
a whitish earth
The color long having
fled off into places
behind the sky
Even the sun, nothing more than
a piece of glass
nailed to that air
And so black as to seem wet
cutting through all the paleness,
Long, black roads, lain beneath
that air
So black as to seem like
veins
With the blood running hot
amid so much cold
to account for the slight steam in the air
In between the roads, flowers
made of ice
Captured in a semblance of life
Constantly shattering in the weak,
cold wind
The branches of trees bent to the ground
in a perfect arc
with their leaves just slightly touching the surface
of the roads
Scraping just slightly against its surface in the
weak, cold wind
Any change would have sounded like thunder

And train tracks
Off away from the roads, he stands by the train tracks
Coming from nowhere and going off to some other world
Empty for ages at a time
But still he stares at them, like a
small statuette in a snow globe
Until
Until little tinkling explosions sound
of the flowers shattering
from the force of the silent train
And then it streaks by
faster than breathing but
completely mute
The explosions of the icy flowers the only sound

So he stands there, bent back a bit by the force
with the long black roads off
in the distance
and flowers all around
and the stale blue sky being far too wide

It’s a place with nothing in which to do because
there isn’t anything left
Nothing left to do or say
or believe or hate or destroy
because they’ve just done it all,said it all,hoped it all,despised it all,and killed it all.
And so,
there’s just nothing left
here
or there
or anywhere
All of it seems to be blinking,
blinking triangles of black and white, the black and white
blinking and switching to fast to see
So he shuts his eyes
and tries to imagine a perfect blue

But who can imagine what they have never seen
but only wait for
So still he stands
Fragile like a shell of flower petals
with the wind encased within
He might someday simply
burst, into wind
But
but for now he just
looks at the sky, again
Perhaps hoping to see a face peeking at him
from the place behind the sky.

I'm afraid i'm no poetry expert (we did have an aspiring poet here but he left), but that's very good. I certainly like the:

until
until little tinkling explosions sound


it creates a good level of anticipation even for a second. The poem overall is very good, because you can feel the sense of despair and emptiness, and yet always with an undertone of hope that grows towards the end. I'd love to read some of your stuff set in this world, and apologise for such vague comments.

Im not to good at critisising but I can say that I like it!

I'm no expert of poetry either, and not usually a big fan of it, but I like this poem.

I like the way that it develops and you gradually learn more about the world as the poem progresses - untill evenyually you learn that there is actually a person trying to survive in this desolate world. Your desciptions and analagies are effective but nicely simple.

My critisim is grammer - or mainly a lack of full stops, commas etc that tell the reader how the poem should be read and what sort of rythum it has. I know I nearly always moan about grammer, but it is something that is easily missed and makes all the difference when reading.

But this is a minor, picky issue really. Its a good poem and I'd like to read more about this world :D

it's good, though I never like using that form of poetry because the repetitious nature of the style always grates my nerves for some reason.

hey thanks for the feedback evry1

hmm greenchild wut do u mean by repititious?

cus i dont really use a form-- its free form

I think its just that you used the same word twice one after the other for more effect

Indeed it is, but there are elements of form to any free form and RT is right..... as usual

wow I feel so proud

but still the poems great!