A Night At the Richmond Hill

“Last orders please,” shouted the landlord of Black Swan as I staggered out of the lavatory, helplessly inebriated. I hugged the fruit machine for support. A pot bellied geezer whose name I could not recall caught my arm.

“I think you’ve had enough for one night mate.”

I pushed him away and I almost fell backwards. Swaying like a metronome, I steadied myself with great effort.

“Piss off.” I said, angry that he would even suggest such a thing.

He shrugged and left me alone.

Pushing and shoving through the punters I struggled my way towards the crowded bar. Some were eyeing me curiously, laughing, and nudging one another. Others were staring at me in disgust. I did not give a toss. Finally, I squeezed into a tight spot at the end of the L shaped bar. Barmaid Charlotte the Harlot, rightfully nicknamed having slept with half the population of Richmond borough, shook her head in reproach.

“No more drinks for you Aybars. I think you should call it a night dear.”

“One for the road Charlotte. Please.” I pleaded. “ The bitch has stood me up again. One last pint and I’ll be on my way.”

Hands on her wide hips she rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sight.

“All right but you have to promise that you will head straight for home afterwards.”

I glanced up at her, hardly keeping my eyes open “Promise.”

The clock on the wall showed 10.45 p.m. The pub was packed with regular punters gushing down their last drinks, chatting and laughing aloud. It was an unbearable cacophony to my ears. My head hurt and my eyes were bleary from the stale cigarette smoke I wanted down my drink quickly and get out.

Charlotte the Harlot brought my pint. I blew the thick froth from the top and took a hefty sip while some of the amber liquid dribbled from the corners of my mouth onto my shirt. I must have looked like a right loser. Leaning closer Charlotte started caressing my hand with her red nailed fingers.

“One last piece of advice. Stop chasing that slag. Louisa is toying with you as she had done the same thing to the several others before you. She is a Good thing teaser.”

“Can’t. She got me hooked.” I slurred over.

She fixed her provocative gaze on me. “There’re many fish in the sea love. Go home sleep it off. It’s my day off tomorrow. You and I can spend some quality time together.” She smiled broadly.

Never in a month of Sundays.

I cracked out in laughing. “Yeah, I hear you.” I said as I imbibed the rest of my lager like whale, smacked my lips and blinked myopically. The contents in my tummy started taking a tumble; gastric juices shooting towards my throat were disconcerting.

“Bloody reflux.” I said as I stifled a loud burp, which turned several heads staring at me in dismay.

I bid Charlotte goodbye and I zigzagged my way out of the pub.

Outside on the Queen’s Road the rain was pouring in heavy sheets. A black cab whizzed by splashing me with a huge wave of rainwater. I was soaked to my boxers.

“Bastard” I bellowed as I gave him the two fingers. I was livid. I crossed the street, passed the Richmond University Campus and climbed the slope towards the Veterans Hospital. From the Richmond Park intersection I strolled down on the Richmond Hill towards Terrace Gardens, falling flat on my face on two occasions. The road was deserted at this time of the night. The posh residents of Richmond were fast asleep in their luxurious cocoons.

“Bloody bastards.” I shouted at the white terraced buildings and walked straight into a lamppost. I fell down hard on my posterior. For a moment of two I remained on the ground. A nasty bump was growing on my left temple, which hurt like hell. I was looking at my right as I walked into the iron post and got away with a bump. Otherwise I would have broken my nose for sure.

I broke into an insane laughter.” You’re pathetic.” I mumbled.

A flash of anger swept through me.

The bitch had to pay. I decided to pay a visit to Louisa.

Grabbing the lamppost I raised myself slowly. I started having a bad case of heaves. I took a couple of steps forward and regurgitated on the wheels of a fiery red Aston Martin V8. A mixture of foul smelling greenish- yellowish bile was spewing out of my mouth in jet streams. Having done with the unpleasant act, I regained my composure. I took several deep breaths. I scanned my surroundings. To my luck no one had seen me. I coughed and spat nasty phlegm on the sidewalk. I rummaged in my coat packet for my hanky and cleaned my mouth. I had a rancid taste in my mouth as if I had chewed Gandhi’s flip-flops all night long.

Fortunately the rain stopped and a cool breeze started to blow from the Richmond and The Thames valley. I sucked in several deep breaths as I took a right from the Terrace Gardens to Friars Stile road for number nineteen.

That’s where the spoilt bitch lived.

I stood and gazed at the three storey detached house with a neatly tended garden. Louisa lived her with her parents. Her father was the owner of Villa De Cesar, a pricey restaurant by the bank of River Thames. Rumour has it that he was well connected to the underground.

Who cares anyway I am here to settle a score.

Her bedroom light was off. Either she was out or fast asleep. I needed to find out. I picked of a few pebble stones from the sidewalk and threw them at her bedroom window on the second floor. Missing the first three, the forth pebble found its target with a cracking sound. The light went on and she appeared at the window.

“Who’s there?” She whispered.

“Your knight and shining armour.” I said.

“Aybars?”

“Who else?” I replied tersely.

“What’re you doing? It is well past midnight.”

“Oh you’re the one to ask. I thought we had a date you double timing bitch.” I barked.

“Shush. You will wake my parents and I am not seeing anyone else.” She said panic rising in her voice.

“Where were you then? I waited until closing time in Black Swan.”

“I had a nasty quarrel with my father. I am housebound. I am sorry.”

“Don’t lie to me. You fucking trollop.” I hissed.

“You are drunk. Could we talk about this tomorrow morning?” she asked pleadingly.

I could not hold on to my rage that had kept bottling inside of me.

“No! We are going to settle this right here, right now. You come down now.” I said at the top of my voice.

Then it all happened very quickly. Her father opened the door and came running at me with a cricket bat. Looking furious with eyes glazing he ran towards me in his robe de chamber. I was still heavily intoxicated and could not move quickly. All I could manage was to protect my face as he wildly swung the cricket bat. I caught one on the shoulder and winced with pain. Louisa was screaming in terror and pleading with her father to stop. But the man was out of control and charged towards me like a raging bull.

I knelt on the ground, grabbed his legs wrestled him on his back. He was still holding the bat firmly. I sat on his stomach and threw him a mighty punch. He dropped the cricket bat and tried to grab my throat.

Whilst we were struggling on the ground a heavy set of hands had picked me up and threw me sideways. A couple of burly coppers were trying to separate us. The scuffle was over and we were taken to Richmond police Station in town centre.

Louisa and her mother came to the station too. Apparently her mother called the police.
Her father pressed charges against me. I was arrested on three counts: being drunk and disorderly, breaking and entering and assault on private property. I demanded a lawyer to be present. I was told that a lawyer would be provided for me in the morning. I would be taken to the magistrate’s court tomorrow.

I was locked in a cell for the night.

You got you knickers in a right twist you moron. My inner voice spoke to me as I slumped on the hard mattress.

The officer on watch dropped by every hour on the hour checking me up from the peephole. In one of his rounds he even mocked at me. He asked me whether I would like a pint of lager.
I did not reply but cursed his entire family silently.

The next morning I woke up with a splitting headache. A sudden wave of embarrassment swept over me as I recalled the events of last night.

What was I thinking?

I asked for two tables of aspirin to the sergeant who escorted my lawyer to my cell. Minutes later he came back with the aspirins and a glass of cold water, which I took appreciatively.

The aspirin lessened my pulsating headache. My lawyer, a public defender working for pro bono, told me the good news. Louisa’s father dropped his charges against me. I guess he did not want to bother going through with court procedures or he would deal me with his own methods. I prayed to God that it was the former rather than latter or I was in deep shit.

I was only going to be charged with being drunk and disorderly in public. My lawyer told me that I probably would get away this time with a fair reprimand since it was my first offence in this country.

I seriously contemplated leaving London once this is over. My father would kill me had I give up my school and return to Turkey. How would I explain this to him? I was a dead man whether I stayed here or left for Istanbul.

That day I was taken to magistrate’s court. My lawyer was right on the money. From his stand the old magistrate with horned rimmed glasses, wearing a funny wig and a black robe had gave me a slap on the wrist and bashed my ears for minutes which seemed like eternity.

I thanked my lawyer in earnest and left the court in a hurry to taste the freedom again. Outside the court building Louisa was waiting on the sidewalk. She walked towards me and gave me a hug. I broke away quickly.

“Look I regret everything about last night. I had one too many.” I said apologetically.

“My father is still furious Aybars but you got away this time. I begged him till daylight to drop the charges.”

“I am grateful for that but what if he send his cronies to take my kneecaps off.” I said apprehensively.

“I talked to him about that too. No one will come after you I can guarantee you that. But we can’t see each other anymore and my street is off limits to you.” She said with a gloomy expression on her face.

“Shame.” I said pretending to be upset.

She gave me a light peck on the check “Take care of yourself now and go easy on the booze.” She said and left with hurried steps towards the black Mercedes that was waiting for her a hundred yards ahead.

I gave very big sigh of relief as if a ton of bricks lifted from my shoulders. The weather was cleared from last night to a spotless blue sky and I looked up and squinted from the scorching sun blazing directly above.

Never again will I drink to the oblivion. From now on I am a social drinker. I promised myself. Maybe later today I would shag Charlotte the Harlot to alleviate my stress.

My stomach was churning .I can hear the grumbling sounds from my tummy as I walked towards the zebra crossing for the Burger King across the street.