The Kid Story
By Christopher Thomson
Intro
Narrator
A regular child would on most days ordinarily go to school, come home, play games and then go to bed. That was the life of a regular child, but these people were not regular children. Rumours about a group of locals, who were aiding the Police in combating assaults, thefts, and vandalism etc, were being spread. They were like superheroes, coming and going with no trace of their presence. The Police had been on trying to identify the heroic children for months with no luck at all. They were beaten in crime prevention by a group of kids. They wanted to congratulate them, to make them famous. It seemed that they didn’t want fame and glory.
Scene 1: McDonald’s Restaurant, Chelmsford
(Rachel is having her lunch. She ate a bit of her meal. Jon goes over to her and puts his hand on her shoulder.)
Jon
Rachel. We meet again.
(He sits down opposite her.)
Rachel
What are you doing here?
Jon
It’s my job, Rachel. I can’t fail the team.
Rachel
I know why you are here.
Jon
Do you now?
(She takes a bite from her meal.)
Rachel
You want me to confess about him?
(Jon sighs.)
Rachel
Jon, I can’t tell you. He’ll get me, Jon. Look at Ryan for goodness sake!
(Jon holds her hand to comfort her.)
Jon
We haven’t enough proof to put him in. With your story, we may put him away for a long time.
(Rachel’s mobile rings. She answers it and reads a text message saying: “I CAN C U!!!!” She looks around her and spots a boy in sunglasses watching them on another table.)
Rachel
He’s here!
(Jon lifts his lapel to his mouth.)
Jon
Is he here?
Brian
(On radio)
His goons are outside the building. Be careful.
(Jon pulls Rachel from her seat. He drags her along as he ran to the counter. He climbs over it with Rachel and they rush out a fire door.)
Scene 2: McDonald’s Restaurant EXT.
(Jon is hit in the stomach and gasps for breath. Ralph grabs Rachel. She tries to break free, but fails. Jon hits a boy in the face and another boy hits him. He’s about to strike again.)
Victor
Stop! I’ll handle them.
(Victor walks onto the scene. He looks at Jon and then turns to Rachel.)
Victor
Rachel, why be found with this filth?
(He turns to Jon.)
Victor
Ralph, get him on his feet!
(Ralph violently helps Jon onto his feet and pushes him towards Victor.)
Victor
You want to put me in lifetime detention. Good job so far.
Jon
I’ll get you, Victor! I’ll get you!
Victor
First, I’ll be gone on vacation. Secondly, Rachel will pay for this!
(Jon reaches into his pocket and takes out a nasal spray tube. He waves it in front of Ralph’s face. Ralph coughs and falls back. Jon knocks the other boys out. Jon and Rachel kick Ralph in the groin. Victor runs from the scene. They run after him.)
Scene 3: Waterstones INT.
(Victor runs up the stairs. Jon and Rachel follow by shortly after. Victor runs one way and they lose them.)
Jon
You take Science Fiction! I’ll take Literature!
(They split up. Rachel sees Victor.)
Rachel
Jon, he’s going towards the Atlas section!
(Jon blocks Victor, and he goes the way he came, but is trapped by Rachel. Victor sighs. Jon takes out a pair of handcuffs.)
Jon
Victor Locust, I am arresting you for his attack on both Ryan P. Rifflin and myself.
(Jon puts the handcuffs on Victor. Mike enters and joins him.)
Mike
The van’s downstairs, Jon.
Jon
The vehicle is waiting for us, and most importantly… you.
(Jon and Mike escort Victor out of the shop. Rachel smiles as they leave.)
(Opening Titles)
Scene 4: Mr. Benoit’s Room
(Benoit is marking the pupils’ work booklets. Baker enters with some booklets.)
Baker
Nearly finished, Mr. Benoit?
Benoit
School has finished, Luke. Don’t call me Mr. Benoit when we’re off duty.
Baker
Sorry.
Benoit
No problems. I’m nearly finished marking.
Baker
Are you coming? The car is waiting outside.
Benoit
Oui, I am coming.
(Benoit and Baker leave the room. Then Jessica and Bill enter. Jessica checks the drawers and finds a card.)
Jessica
(Whispers)
I’ve found it, Bill.
Bill
Good work, Jess. Let’s get out of here!
Jessica
(Whispers)
Keep it down will you; we aren’t out of the woods yet.
(They go over to the door. They hear something and dive for cover behind a workbench as Benoit enters. He notices the drawer open.)
Benoit
My card has gone!
(Baker enters.)
Baker
Are you sure?
Benoit
Someone’s stolen it! I came in and the drawer was open!
(Jessica and Bill sneak out of the room, whilst Benoit and Baker search the other drawers.)
Scene 5: Hewlett’s House
(Jon is playing on the PS2, and Mike is reading a book. Jon is getting to a difficult part of the game.)
Jon
Come on! No, no, no! Yes!
(There are loud bleeps and Jon loses the game.)
Jon
Noooooo!
(He sighs and goes over to the corner of the room. Mike goes over to join him.)
Mike
It’s not the end of the world, Jon.
Jon
I almost made it, Mike. Brian better have a good reason for calling us down there.
(There is a flash and they are gone.)
--------------------------------------------
What do you think? Will it qualify?
Highly entertaining, and a good example of the teenage spy fiction craze that seems to be emerging. The opening conversation is intriguing and the narrator’s prologue is a nice touch, implying there is a back story to your heroes.
Your main letdown is your stage directions. The opening stage direction seems to dip briefly into the past tense before returning to the present tense. Also, while it is brilliant that you’ve managed to name every one of your characters (names are the bane of writers!), you could have included a brief description of each character.
Something to bear in mind for the next round. I’d put you through.
We wait for Clairc, and possible Loner Child, to pass judgement, and if they agree with me, you're into Write Idol 2004. Of course, because we're all busy this month, the challenges won't start until January. So it really is Write Idol 2005.
Who knows? We might start them soon - it depends how many people audition!
I agree with Thought Fox on this one. It needs better stage directions, but it is good enough for my standards. Seeing how Loner has not been around and he is out voted anyway…
....
You have been put through. Welcome to Write Idol 2005!
Nice dramatic pause there, Clairc!