Allllllllrighty then, smegheads and dwarfers. Here is my attempt at part of a Red Dwarf Script. I wrote it when my cousin wanted to write a series with me via email. He wrote the first part, I wrote the second. He wrote the third, but it completely crapped on everything I did in the second part. Anyway, enjoy.

Chapter 1 of episode 1

(In sleeping quarters)
Lister: Ahhh!(In agony). I think I’m going to be sick. I shouldn’t have eaten that food at lunch.
Rimmer: What did you have for lunch?
Lister: A caviar vindaloo & some pappodums.
Rimmer: How can that make you sick? You love things like that!
Lister: I know. But all the ingredients were 3,000,000 years old!
Cat: Hey! How ya doing. You know, I know a perfect remedy for bad stomachs.
Lister: No thanks! Remember when you made that fish soup. I was coughing up fur balls for a week!
Cat: How was I supposed to know that’s what was going to happen. What do you think I am, a human fortuneteller or something!
Lister: No. But you could have waited until I knew we had some descent fish!
Rimmer: Do you two always have to argue. Lister, you’re sick so lie down and get some shut-eye. And you, pussy, go and… Claim a few things for all I care.
(Cat leaves the room)
Cat: This is mine, and this is mine, not to mention this…(Voice fading as he goes)
Holly: Alright. Whats happening, dudes!
Lister: Not too well Holly. Did you want something?
Holly: Well I didn’t when I first appeared but now I need to tell you something.
Lister: What?
Holly: While the cat was going round claiming things, he claimed the engine and his spray has just made the main engine malfunction and is going to explode in 6 minutes unless you can stop it.
Rimmer: I’m going to kill that cat!
Lister: This isn’t the time to complain, come on!

(In engine room)
Rimmer: Now what are we supposed to do.
Cat: Well, I did learn some engineering skills at kitty school when I was young and I still remember a few good ones for times like this.
Rimmer: Go on.
Cat: What?
Rimmer: Give us one then.
Cat: Well we could…
Rimmer: Get on with it!
Cat: ABBANDON SHIP BEFORE OUR BUTTS AND MY BEAUTIFUL FACE GET BLOWN TO SMITHERINES!
Lister: That’s a good one cat. But why don’t we just hook up to the emergency backup engine while we shut down this main one and clean it out.
Holly: Smart arse!


End of chapter 1


Chapter 2 of episode 1

(engine room. Lister, Rimmer and the Cat run in.)
Lister: Okay, Hol, I need you to explain how to divert power to the backup engine.
Rimmer: I never knew that we had a backup engine.
Holly: Well, the thing is guys, something incredible has happened.
Cat: The engines are fine and we’re in no danger at all?
Holly: No, something even more incredible.
Lister: What?
Holly: Rimmer is right.
Cat: (oblivious to what this means) Wow, that IS incredible!
Rimmer: You mean we don’t have a backup emergency engine?
Holly: Spot on.
Lister: Well, why didn’t you tell me that when I came up with the idea?
Holly: I didn’t want to ruin your moment.
Rimmer: (getting quite panicky) So what do we do now? The engine’s going to blow any second, we’ll never reach the shuttle bays!
Holly: Don’t worry, guys, I’ve just remembered that we have an engine jettison system.
Cat: What that?
Lister: It’s a system that ejects the engine into space, where it can explode without harming the ship or her crew.
Rimmer: How the smeg did you know that?
Lister: I’m not totally stupid you know. I read it in a book.
Rimmer: A book? You?
Lister: Yeah, a comic book. Adventures in Outer Space. This ship was stranded in the middle of space when a dangerous chemical got onto the engine. The crew decided to jettison the engine into space.
Rimmer: What happened to them?
Lister: Dunno. I was reading it on the bog. We’d run out of toilet paper, so I used the last few pages to wipe my…
Rimmer: (stopping him) Holly, what exactly will happen?
Holly: Well, the engine will float out into space, but I don’t know how far. If it’s far enough away, the explosion will push the ship along for a little way.
Rimmer: And if it isn’t far away?
Holly: (calmly) Well, we get caught in the explosion and blow up.
Rimmer: So on the one hand, we jettison the engine with the possibility of blowing up or drifting a few miles and becoming derelict. And on the other hand, we sit here and blow up anyway.
Holly: Pretty much. So what do you want me to do?
Lister: (grinning) Er, can I phone a friend on that?
Rimmer: EJECT THE SMEGGING ENGINE!!!!

(Shot from space. The engine flies out into space and blows up. Red Dwarf is pushed away. The camera follows it and watches it stop in the middle of nowhere.)

(drive room. Lister, Rimmer and Cat walk in.)
Lister: So what do we do now, Hol?
Holly: Well, we need to get another engine, otherwise we can’t move.
Rimmer: Where the smeg are we going to get an engine from?
Holly: (calmly) Haven’t a clue.
Lister: So we’re stranded?

End of chapter 2

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude... You are sad!

...yeah, but so's my cousin!

But thats taken for granted - they're a member of your family. They share the same smegging bloodline! :P

Yeah, but his side of my family are more stupid than the other!

very good , i enjoyed it , maybe if the spelling was checked in one area it would have made more sense of having decent fish instead of descent fish

but hey , thats all

thats really good

i always wanted to write a script where the red dwarf crew meet a giant 200 ft space chipmunk with human eyes and tiny teeth. maybe they could get swallowed by the chipmunk butthats just being stupid now.