(This only the beginning of the first chapter. Does it make you want to read on? What do you think of the writing style I am trying to use?)


Chapter 1:


It was early spring. The snows of the winter had come and passed and only left its faint memory in the thawing ground. Warmed by the touch of the sun, damp fields lay open to the sky, covered only by a faint green blush as the first tender shoots emerged from their winter’s sleep. Early one fine morning, when the air was still cold, the man Clairc, dressed in his usual black sleeveless shirt and combat pants, emerged from his tent. This was his first morning in the fields of Maran and the slowly creeping day promised it wouldn’t be his last. Clairc was a tall, sandy haired swordsman for the Shomoro army. His small platoon had been dispatched early that week for Maran City. He knew very little of the mission before him, but he knew enough to assume he was going to need to put his military training to good use in the next few days.
His platoon members traveled at his side. He knew his platoon members talked about him behind his back. They called him selfish and a lone wolf, but he didn’t care. They weren’t his friends. He didn’t need friends. Everyone has to look out for his or her self. That’s the only way they can survive in this world.
Johan stepped out of his tent as Clairc finished building the campfire with the small twigs and branches they brought along in the pack mulls. The tall, longhaired archer had made many attempts to talk to him over the last week, and each time, Clairc shot him down. Clairc was certain he gave up the last time, but yet again, Johan walked over to him and began to talk.
“It’s a fine morning, wouldn’t you say?” Johan asked, squatting next to him.
Clairc pulled to two eggs from his pack and cracked them into an iron pan. He held the pan over the flames, using a piece of cloth to protect his hand from the heating metal.
“It’s a fine morning, wouldn’t you say?” Johan repeated noticeably louder.
“Yes, it is.” Clairc said shortly as he flipped one the eggs with his knife.
“Yes, well. You know, back in hometown, we use to pray for mornings like these. Our winters were long and cold and it’s hard to grow crops in the snow.”
Clairc nodded his head and turned his back to him, hoping he would give up and go away.
“Where did you grow up?” Johan asked.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Clairc said.
“Oh. Well, I guess I will talk to you later.” Johan said with defeated tone.
“Whatever.” Clairc muttered. That was the possibly the shortest attempted Johan had made yet. Clairc felt a smile creep across his face. He knew that there weren’t going to be many more.
A half hour after he had eaten, his platoon was fully awake and preparing for the upcoming day. His commander, Zack Loving, was talking with a group of Johan’s friends as Clairc finished packing his horse. Zack was dark haired man of a medium build and always had something of a dangerous look about him. Clairc liked him. He was a good leader and didn’t talk too much like the other men. He was an iron fist. Zack broke away with his usual frown on his face.
He walked into the center of the deteriorating camp and spoke in a loud and commanding tone. “Most of you know that we should arrive in Maran sometime tomorrow evening. I have been instructed to give your first briefing at this point to prepare you for what lies ahead. We are heading for what has be labeled a civil war zone. A rebel party managed to rally enough citizens to overtake the guards in the city. Their attempt to overthrow our government is going to be met by us and by the local soldiers. Our first objective is to penetrate the city and make our way to the base, where we shall receive the second part of our briefing.”
“What were the rebels reasons for overthrowing the city?” Conan the small bald axeman asked.
“Something about wanting to be free of our grip. They think that we are trying to revert back to kinship.” Zack tolled him.
“They must be mad. Why would our government want to do that?”
“I don’t know, but they believe it.” Zack let the subject drop.
They road at a canter that day, but still Clairc wished they could ride faster. This would be Clairc first combat mission and he was eager to test his skills on some real opponents. He had fought in training and graduated the top of his class, but this was a real. It was life or death. Clairc knew he shouldn’t be excided about that, but he couldn’t help himself. He had train long and hard for this day and he didn’t what to ruin it with fear.
He heard a loud echoing voice riding behind him. The same loud voice he couldn’t help but to hear every day. It was Lugana McCloud riding along with Johan. Clairc found this tall man with long dark brown hair to be annoying and immature. Why couldn’t he talk like a normal human being?
“And well,” Lugana continued, “That’s how I found myself here. This is going to be my first battle and I can’t wait to start.”
Finally, something they had in common.
“This is just another battle to me,” Johan said, “ I have been through so many. To be honest, I would like to forgo the fighting for just a little while. I am starting to feel my age, if you know what I mean.”
“I understand. My father was like that. He was acutely labeled a hero at one point or another for saving the king of Ce’mya from an assassin. But once hit middle age, his passion for fighting left him and all he wanted to do was spend his time in the garden.”
“Ce’mya?” Johan asked with a hit of surprise in his voice. “Isn’t that the forest people’s kingdom in the Lunar Forest?”
“Why yes it is.”
“I thought they hated all outsiders.”
Lugana shrugged, “No, they hate most outsiders. My father fell in love with one of their woman when he was captured traveling through their forest. He spent nearly a year in their jail before they realized he wasn’t a bad guy. My mother convinced their king to let him go.”
“Your mother?” Johan asked, becoming nearly as load as Lugana.
“Yes. She was beautiful woman from what I can remember of her. Green hair I think it was. Anyway, they brought him into the throne room to apologize for the inconvenience and to give him back this sword.” Lugana’s sword sang from his scabbard.
Clairc turned his head to him hold a long, shining sword with engravings on the blade.
“My mother engraved her endless love for him on the blade in their native language. He gave it to me in his will. Anyway, no sooner then they gave him his sword he spotted the assassin hiding in a dark corner with a throwing dirk. My father announced his presents and took the assassin’s dirk in his shoulder. The assassin jumped out the window and killed himself after that. It turns out that he was from the Blue Moon Forest. My father was named a hero and was taken into my mothers care. He spent another year there and my mother became pregnant with me. After that, they left the forest and join a small village outside of Volga to have me. My mother died when I was four of some sort of heart problem.”
“It must have been hard.” Johan said with sympathy building in his voice.
“I can hardly remember it. My father later on taught me how to use this thing,” Lugana tapped on his blade, “and sent me of to join the army. He died last year of cancer. It was a sad day for me and his friends.”
“Didn’t your family show?”
“I don’t have any other family that know of.”
“No cousins or anything like that?”
“No. I am the last of them.”
The conversation died shortly after that. Clairc found him-self feeling sorry for him, but quickly threw the thought out. Clairc never knew his parents and he grew up in an orphanage. That’s the way it is. People die. All you can do is put it behind you and never look back.

What I love about this is that your characters' personalities are coming through strongly here, which is always a good thing :) It makes you want to know more about Clairc and why he's like that, and to know more about the world and the civil war in the city. I think it's got great potential!

oh, and I like the style you use to describe the scenery. See if you can carry it on throughout the story :)

Let me just add this part in real quick.

Later that night, when tents we’re up and fires warmed the camp, Clairc stood alone by his campfire, gazing up into the sparkling stars and dreaming of the upcoming battle.

“Clairc.” A familiar stone cold voice came up from behind him. Zack emerged from the vaporous darkness and into the light of the fire. His steely brown eyes as hard as rock. “We need to talk.”

“Yes sir.” Clairc said. “How may I help you?”

“We’re coming close to our destination, as you know, and one of our group leaders as fallen very ill. You have remarkable scores in both combat and tactical on the SQT.” The Shomoro Qualifying Test, “Actually, you have the best of any man that has ever come under my command. How would you like to lead the Gate group tomorrow.”

Clairc’s mind was racing. This was his first battle and he was has already been asked to lead a attack. His voice betrayed no hint of his true excitement, “I would be honored to lead the group, but may I ask what the objectives of the Gate Group is?”

“The Gate Group is the group that sneaks into the city and opens the gates. The Tunnel Group will dig the tunnel your group will use to enter the city. Once inside, we have no information on how the gate controls are guarded. That’s why I need someone with your skill set to lead the group. Do you have any questions?”

Clairc thought for a moment, “What other groups are there?”

“Well, first there is the Wall Group.” Zack said. “They are the group that will attack the walls while the Tunnel Group begins to dig on the less guarded side. Then there’s the Raiding Group. They are group that charges inside the city and kills resistance on the walls once you open the gates. And finally, there is the Guard Group. They will guard the rest of us as we make our way to the base.”

“Who will be in my group?”

“You will have the smallest group. There is Conan Zane, our best axeman, and Lugana McCloud, the only other swordsmen that scored as high as you in the Combat part of the SQT.”

The name Lugana made Clairc’s gut wrench. He had to deal with that loud mouth as he tries to sneak into a heavily guarded city. What was Zack thinking? “Did you say Lugana McCloud sir?”

“Yes, is there a problem?” Zack asked with a level gaze.

“No sure.” Clairc said defeated. “Just making sure I had my information straight.”

“Good. We will arrive at the city by tomorrow evening. Get some rest tonight. The action starts as soon as we can see the city I the evening sun.”



I am going to have two main viewpoints. The second Viewpoint is the rebel leader Shirley Kay Shields. Do you think I should continue as Clairc until he reaches the inside of the city or switch now, introduce her and her motives and switch back?


Oh, and “Clairc” is not the book title. I am just using that as the project name until I come up with one.