Author's Note: It's a little long, but enjoy anyway. As usual, I have copyright over everything in it - breach it and you risk the wrath of the Awod™
The Gods' Review
It had to be said; the Gods’ idea of a good evening was not exactly the most exhilarating. Unlike the Devil, the Sins (not to mention Death and his Posse), the Gods’ did not go out and have a good time. No visits to Earth to scare vagabonds and perplex tourists, no ‘Natural Disaster’ Competitions or Tournaments, no little plagues or anomalies to test mankind. Nope, for them a good evening was renting out Destiny Discs and commenting on how rubbish they were.
Destiny Discs were a new craze in the Heavens. Introduced by the Lone God from a neighbouring dimension (coincidentally, our one!), these discs played very much like a movie with a few subtle differences. The obvious difference was that they were only available to the Creme de la Creme of God-dom. Even the Big Cheeses of the Beyond couldn’t get their hands on these; you had to be a Gargantuan Wedge of Edam, as tall as all of the Alps stacked on top of each other and as wide as the World’s entire population lined up for a Mexican Wave. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Another difference was that the actors were unlike any other. They weren’t your plastically-enhanced supermodels-trying-to-be-Actresses, nor were they your teenage-heartthrobs-but-ultimately-alcoholic-womanising walking Six-Packs. They were real people. No make-up, no audition processes, just random people from the world that the customer(s) ‘Godded’ over.
Another interesting point about these discs were that they weren’t made of metal, plastic, combinations of the two, or any other earthly material. Even the humans on the most technologically advanced World (our one, again!), couldn’t replicate these discs. These discs were, rather fittingly (in the Gods’ opinion), made of lightning. Pure lightning, snatched from the sky and forced to take up a disc-like shape, after which the creator poured his power, magic, plot, storyline and script into it. Of course, eventually the Gods would have to worry about Destiny Disc Piracy, but the problem hadn’t arisen yet so there was no point worrying about it.
The main difference between Destiny Discs was that the events weren’t just played on the Gods’ cloud-made cinema screens, but they also occurred on Earth too. This was a much easier system than the old Gods-playing-Dice-with-Lives game, because now the Gods got to put their feet up while events unfolded. Of course, between viewing different discs, the Gods of each dimension would try to come up with the own storylines and plots - and there was even talk of an award’s ceremony being held to honour the best Destiny Disc Authors.
The Gods off this particular dimension (it didn’t have a name - none of them did) sat down with their newly-arrived Destiny Disc, entitled The Unlikely Hero, and conjured up a television screen.
“The Unlikely Hero?” Wisdom spat, “How cheesy is that?”
The others shrugged and shot him a look that said, ‘It could be a lot worse’.
He shot them a look that said he agreed, pushed the electrical disc into the cloudy screen and sat down on the newly formed sofa.
Lightning crashed and thunder roared. The stormy night…
“Why is there always a storm at the beginning?” Destiny asked.
“And why is it always at night?” her brother, Fate, asked.
“Dunno,” replied Wisdom, “Perhaps it’s because it makes it more dramatic.”
The siblings shrugged and returned their attentions to the screen.
Lightning crashed and thunder roared. The stormy night lashed out at travellers with whips composed of biting, cold water. But the rider ignored this. His task was far too important to be hindered by mere rain.
He galloped onward, occasionally looking up and ahead of him, but the glance would be forced back down by blinding raindrops. On his fourth glance, he saw it and sighed with relief. The Castle was up ahead, highlighted by lightning and bombarded with rain.
The Sentry saw the approaching figure and bellowed out through the rain.
“Who goes there?” he called.
“It is I,” the rider replied, not looking up, “Revoi, the Messenger!”
“Let him in,” the Sentry called to the gatekeeper.
The gatekeeper, half asleep in his hut, simply stretched out a leg and kicked frantically at the level. After a minute or so of pointless leg-flailing, his foot struck the lever, pushing it forward. The drawbridge fell noisily, but it was drowned out by the incredible thunder.
Revoi galloped inside, not thanking the gatekeeper. He sped through the town surrounding the castle and stopped before the second drawbridge. The next Sentry saw the waiting messenger and called down to the next gatekeeper, who opened the next gate in a similar fashion to the first gatekeeper. Revoi rode on, leaping off his horse at the foot of the castle steps and running up to the front door. He burst into the entry hall and made his way to the throne room, ignoring anyone he passed.
There was an almighty crash as the doors of the throne room were punched open by the hurried messenger. The King calmly awaited the message, watching Revoi catch his breath.
“Your majesty,” he panted, “He has escaped.”
A crash of thunder. The King stood up.
“When?”
“This morning,” the messenger answered, “I came as quick as I could.”
“Well done,” the King smiled. His face then turned as cold as the storm and he turned to the Captain of the Guard.
“Seal off the Castle,” he ordered, “Every window. Every door. Every sewer. He could arrive at any moment.”
The Captain scurried off and the King turned to his daughter.
“You had better go to your room, my dear,” he said gently, “before he arrives.”
“It is too late, your majesty,” a deep, booming voice echoed through the halls.
There was a flash of lightning and all of the candles and lanterns in the room went out. The room went pitch black and screams of alarm could be heard from the princess.
Another flash of lightning revealed the outline of a retreating wizard, the princess held over his soldier.
Another flash of lightning, and this time the candles were lit again, as if by magic.
The wizard and the princess had gone.
The King glared at the messenger.
“Get the word out to everyone in the land,” he barked, “There will be a substantial reward for he who rescues the princess.”
The messenger nodded and…
“Oooh!” Love mocked, “Original. The princess has been kidnapped by an evil wizard.”
“Now, now,” Courage soothed, “It is hard to come up with something original nowadays. So much has been done before.”
“And the beginning was good,” Friendship piped up, “It could have been worse.”
The others glared at him. A decent beginning did not excuse a poor film...or destiny.
The messenger nodded and left the room. As he ran through the castle, barking his message to anyone he passed, he failed to notice a dark figure. The dark figure was crouching behind a suit of armour in an empty corridor. It waited until the messenger was out of sight and then, satisfied that no one was around, it stood up.
As it did so, it entered the light. It was a man, dressed entirely in black. His shirt and trousers were black, his cloak was black and its hood, currently concealing his face, was also black. It was clear that it was a thief. The thief ran…
“I bet most thieves don’t look like that,” Fate spat.
“Shh!” The others hissed in unison.
The thief ran in the direction that Revoi had entered from and headed up a stone, spiralling staircase. He dashed through various corridors, not meeting anyone else, until he reached an illustriously carved door. He opened it slightly, slipped through and closed it once more. He looked around.
It was clearly a girl’s room; all of the furniture was pink and soft, and regal dresses and gowns lay about the floor, flowing from an enormous wardrobe. On the dressing table of the far side of the room were various jewels, winking at him in the dancing candlelight. He scurried over to it and began moving every bit of jewellery into his sack.
He was halfway through when someone burst in. He looked behind him to see a wizard (as designated by his pointed hat, patterned robes and staff) with a young girl slung over his shoulder, through the thief couldn’t see her face.
“You didn’t see anything, thief!” the wizard barked.
“Young women should be left alone!” the Thief barked back.
“And who’s going to stop me you?”
The thief drew his sword and lunged at the wizard. The wizard fired a bolt of lightning at the thief, sending him flying across the room. As the thief recovered, the wizard transformed his staff into a sword and ran towards the thief, one hand of his weapon, the other holding the girl.
The two fought ferociously, though they failed to hit each other, until the wizard pushed the thief away.
“I’d love to stay, but I must fly,” he laughed. He fired a bolt of lightning at the floor and a ball of lightning began to grow around him. The thief jumped up and dived at the wizard. He hit the wall of the lightning globe and remained where he was, shaking from side to side as the magic soared through his body. Then the ball disappeared, taking the thief with it.
Meanwhile back in the throne room, the King…
“Boring!” Wisdom moaned, “It’s all so predictable. A thief is trying to rescue a princess kidnapped by a wizard who’s probably her fiancee anyway!”
He sighed again. Fate did too.
“I’m going to get some popcorn.”
The Brother of Destiny stood up, conjured up a microwave sitting atop a small table, reached inside and removed a bowl of freshly cooked popcorn. With a click of his fingers, the microwave and table disappeared, and he sat down again. Destiny reached over attempting to take a handful, to which Fate responded, “Get Your Own!!”
Meanwhile back in the throne room, the King paced up and down. The Captain of the Guard came in.
“Sire,” he cried, “We have searched the Castle and have found no trace of Rethlok or your daughter.”
The King sighed unhappily
“OK,” the monarch replied, “What do we know about Rethlok?”
“He became a wizard at a very young age,” the Captain began, “and studied hard to become Royal Advisor. As you know, the custom of our country is that the Princess must marry the Royal Advisor when she comes of age (that is, when she turns sixteen)
“See? Wisdom was right!” Fate exclaimed triumphantly, “The Wizard is the Princess’s fiancee!”
He looked expectantly at the others. They ignored him so he returned to his popcorn. He thought about what he just said and shook his head at his stupidity. Wisdom was always right. That’s why he was Wisdom, right?
“She turned sixteen last month,” the Captain continued, “and the wedding preparations began. However, two weeks ago, it was discovered that Rethlok has been studying Dark Magic, and so we imprisoned him. He has obviously returned, seeking revenge and claiming your daughter.”
The King sighed once more.
“Do we know where his lair is?”
The Captain shook his head.
“Find it!”
The Captain nodded and ran outside. He saddled his horse and rode off, scaring a bird away from the seed it had been plucking at.
The bird soared away to the south, over forests, lakes and towns, weaving in and out of mountains, until it reached a volcano. It flew into the volcanic crater and landed on the roof of a mansion that had been built inside. It flew off in amazement as a ball of lightning flashed into view in front of the door to the mansion.
From it, the Thief was thrown through one of the windows, landing unconscious in what seemed to be a kitchen. The Wizard emerged from the globe, unaware of the criminal hitch-hiker and walked in, the girl still over his shoulder. He strode up to his bedroom and threw her on the bed.
“Get undressed!” he yelled.
“No…” she whimpered.
He stretched out his arms towards her and lightning struck her shoulders. Slowly but surely, a rip in her dress appeared and wormed around her body, slowly taking her dress apart. First a sleeve fell off, then another one…all the time, Rethlok watched in glee.
There was a thump from behind him. He wheeled around, coming face to face with the thief. The thief drew his sword and swung it at the wizard. Rethlok’s head fell neatly onto the floor and his body slumped over it. The thief looked towards the girl…
“I’m sorry!?!” Destiny cried, “The main villain is dead and the Disc has been running for less that an hour!”
“Well, that’s poor Destiny-crafting for you,” Wisdom reasoned.
The thief looked towards the girl and asked if she was okay.
“I’m fine,” she cooed, “Thank you so much for saving me.”
She was lying on the bed, her clothes completely removed from her body. He began taking his off and lay down on the bed next to her. She rolled on top of him and kissed him passionately, before…
“WHAT?!?” two or three Gods screamed at once.
“Destinies are meant to be like cartoons,” Love observed, “On the verge of believable, unscathed by predictability and appropriate for family viewing!”
“This is ridiculous!” Wisdom exclaimed, “As Love said, it’s been believable so far…ish. Yes, it may have been predictable but most discs are nowadays. But this is just totally inappropriate, it’s unnecessary, it’s…”
The Gods continued their moans and protests (though none removed their eyes from the screen) for the entire duration of the scene. Which, for the record, lasted thirty minutes, four and a half seconds. That’s a lot of protesting…and, as you have just realised (and probably pictured), a lot of something else as well.
Once it was over, the Gods sat in silent reverie, picturing the previous scene in their minds as the Destiny progressed through long, pointless and boring conversations between the thief and the princess.
The hero and heroine continued to ride through the land.
The Gods continued to picture ‘the scene’. Well, Gods have libidos, too.
The sun rose beautifully over the forest in which the two lovers had slept. Once again, Lasaro [that was the thief’s name, as discovered in one of the boring and ignored conversations] found himself lying on the grass next to Penelope [the princess, as discovered in one of the blah, blah, blah…well, you know what I’m talking about], wearing nothing but the blanket that the two shared.
They ate berries for breakfast, again, before mounting the thief’s horse…
“Where’d he get the horse from?” Fate asked.
“We must have missed that bit,” Courage explained.
They didn’t want to rewind the Destiny to watch the things they’d missed. Then again, they couldn’t rewind it. Nor could they fast forward it. Destinies happened in real time - to mess with a Destiny’s time was to mess with real time. And if you were a God, that just wasn’t done. Not only did it have severe consequences on the inhabitants of your world, but you also had to fill out a mountain of paperwork to get permission to do so.
Even Gods hate paperwork.
Who doesn’t?
They ate berries for breakfast, again, before mounting the thief’s horse and riding off towards Penelope’s home. As they rode through the forest, a bandit leapt out from the tree and commanded them to hand over their valuables…including the princess.
“Never!” Lasaro cried.
He leapt off the horse, drawing his sword mid-leap and proceeded to fight the bandit without even receiving a scratch. It ended when the bandit, his stomach pierced by the thief’s sword, whistled with his dying breath. As the bandit died, ten more appeared from the bushes, and the thief fought them all, though none of them could hit him. Blades clashed…
“This is exciting!” Wisdom observed with an overdose of sarcasm, “Yet another tacked-on fight sequence where the hero fights off ten men at the same time without even getting hit once! What joy!”
The fight went on for several minutes and was followed by another boring conversation. The conversations in the previous scenes had been so long and covered so much that now the only thing the lovers had to talk about was the weather and the beauty of the forest.
They stopped talking and gazed up at the Castle in relief. They were home. They galloped up to the Gate and waited for the Sentry.
“Who goes there?” he called.
“Just a lowly thief,” Lasaro called, “and the PRINCESS!!”
The gate slammed down and an army of guards escorted them to the Castle, and then to the throne room.
The thief bowed before the King.
“Sire,” he said, “I have rescued your daughter, Penelope, from the evil Rethlok.”
“Thank you, Lasaro,” the King beamed, “And what would you seek as your reward?”
“Only your daughter’s hand in marriage…”
The King smiled and nodded. She ran up to him and they embraced, kissing passionately. The crowd cheered. Lasaro stopped them.
“…and,” he said, “Since I am a thief, I want all of your gold too!”
The room erupted with laughter…
…and the image faded away. Wisdom removed the disc and the television disappeared.
“Well, what did we think?” he asked.
“The plot was too predictable!” Courage moaned.
“The plot progressed too quickly!” Friendship groaned.
“There was unnecessary explicit content!” Love complained.
“It was too unrealistic!” Destiny protested.
“The action involved was irrelevant!” Fate sighed.
“Rubbish!” said Courage.
“Horrible!” said Friendship.
“Terrible!” said Love.
“Appalling!” said Destiny.
“Ridiculous!” said Fate.
“Crap!!” Finished Wisdom.
There was silence among the Gods.
A long silence.
And during this silence, they all thought the same thing.
‘We’ll have to come up with something better next time!’
The Moral of this Story is…
See what happens when you don’t take your destiny into your own hands?
…or…
Leave film making, destiny-crafting, etc. to the professionals
…but most importantly
BE CRITICAL OF YOUR OWN WORK!