I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
-- Bob Hope

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
-- Douglas Adams

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!
-- Steven Wright

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
-- Andy Rooney

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-- Somerset Maugham


I thought they were somewhat funny.... :P

all from www.famous-quotes-and-quotations.com :)

Favorite Funny Quote #1
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
~ Will Rogers
Favorite Funny Quote #2
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
~ Groucho Marx
Favorite Funny Quote #3
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
~ George Burns
Favorite Funny Quote #4
Coffee isn't my cup of tea.
~ Samuel Goldwyn
Favorite Funny Quote #5
I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
~ Bob Hope
Favorite Funny Quote #6
Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.
~ Robert Benchley
Favorite Funny Quote #7
The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
~ Arthur Schopenhauer
Favorite Funny Quote #8
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
~ Robert Orben
Favorite Funny Quote #9
Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.
~ G. K. Chesterton
Favorite Funny Quote #10
I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true.
~ Katherine Hepburn

"If something's difficult to do, then it's not worth doing at all" - Homer Simpson :P

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
Dick Cavett (1936 - )

It wasnt me, I wasn't there, I didnt do it and whoever said I did was lying

-bart simpson

If it's not one thing, it's your mother

- Peter Kay

‘Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.’
Mark Twain, in More Maxims of Mark Twain, ed. M. Johnson

HERES A NICE OUTLOOK ON PARENTING

Ben Harper (My Family) replying to a pregant woman who accuses him of not liking babies.

"Babies are fine, but do you really know what their thinking? When they look at you, their just sizing you up! First, they learn to talk only so they can answer back. Then they learn to walk only so they can walk out of shops having spent your money. Then they go to school where they pick up FRIENDS, so they learn to HUNT IN PACKS. AND JUST WHEN THEY'RE OLD ENOUGH TO FLY THE NEST....THEY DON'T! LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE FAT, YOUR BACK ACHES, YOUR FEET ACHE - WELL ENJOY IT COS THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS!!"

:lol:

lol, thats quite good.